I had planned to do a massive update over the weekend. I had a 3hr drive down south to pick up some porno tapes I was editing for this one chick, but sadly the MP3 deck I was using decided to run out of batteries so all I heard at one point was "Faile turned and faced Beralain and
Let's see...what was the last thing that happened to our merry band of fucktards. Oh here we go, it's all coming back to me in an epiphany of creative writing goodness!
Perrin, whom after fighting stuff, killing lots of Trollocs and other stuff is packing to go away from Rand and head back to the 2 Rivers. Why? Well he thinks that the only way to stop the White Cloaks and their rampage through the area is to go there and offer himself up as a sacrifice to die. Not to fight them or drive them off the land or slaughter them with brilliant tactical subterfuge, no damn no! He plans to go there and offer himself up as the proverbial lamb to the slaughter, home boy has a Jesus complex. Just as he's about to pack his furry wolf outfit away for a nice session of yiffing Baralain, the first of Mayan and a total cock tease, tries to tell Perrin how brave he was and that she really needs him to come back to Mayan and 'put some hard iron in her bedroom' He tries to shrug her off and keeps packing and tell her "Go get yer own damn blacksmith to pound out some iron elsewhere!" when Faile walks in as Baralain was playing with Perrin's hair. At this point Baralain whispers "You ass is mine boy." and fluffs out the door. Faile pulls out a dagger and prepares to carve out Perrin's heart when she asks Perrin what he is doing.
"I'm going home to the 2 Rivers, and you aren't going"
"So when do we leave?"
"In the morning and you can't come"
"Which boat are we going on?"
it goes back and forth and then Perrin says "You shoulda seen it earlier when I had Baralain under the sheets toying with the Happy Thunder Rod!" Faile throws a knife at Perrin and leaves and then Perrin gets all weepy he was mean to his gf as "I didn't want her to come, she would see me die!"
Now I'm going to stop for a second here and comment. If I had someone whom I cared for a great deal, loved, wanted her with me, and she was tough as nails, why the fuck would I kick her aside? Yes I know, male pride and all, but look at it this way. You've got someone whom can watch your back, she is fully well versed in killing any mutherfucker that messes with you, and she's fun as hell in bed! These are winning combo's here in the medieval stages that who wouldn't want them on their side??? If I had these problems I'd be saying "Saddle up honey, we are heading on out to kick some ass, make sure you got your shit packed." and if I was in one of Robert Jordan's books she'd be all flushing and blushing and then pulling hair and then call me Master as she does what I say as women here have no spine.
So Faile runs out and confront Baralain in the hall, she breaks out a dagger and says "Stay away from my MAN Bitch!" and the First takes the knife away backhands her and flips her over her shoulder. This doesn't sit well for Perrin's Babies momma, so she attacks her with another dagger before Rhuarc steps in ninja like. He takes the daggers, tells both of them that they need to get their shit straight, go the fuck to their rooms before he's gonna break himself off a piece. Baralain protests but he reminds her if they need to have a talk again, she runs away. Faile laughs, asks for her daggers back, Rhuarc bitch slaps her and says "You played with toys, now you can't have them" Faile sulks and asks about the 'talk'? Baralain was a bad girl when she got there and he made her shovel shit as a reminder that she can't break the rules that Rhuarc puts in place, and that if you disobey the rules you gotta pay the price, and he tells Faile to get the fuck out of his sight.
Matt, scurvy lil bastard, decides to tempt fate and go through the door that people ask 3 questions on. He's all decked out in his bling to a T after sassing up one of the kitchen maids for a bit, but it was dark and really she was rather rough on him and had an adam's apple to boot but it's neither here nor there. He steps through the doorway and lands in a large spiraled room with a snakey man who hiss out "So they have come again, so it as it was supposed to prophecized that all those.." "I'm here to get my questions answered, shut the fuck up and take me there before I stab you" "Ok! But do not bring the light in here or the pretty music my precious"
This wasn't the answer Matt wanted and he says "Why the fuck should I go there? What the fuck is that place! Answer my fucking questions" one of the veins on the hissing people's heads explodes while answering his question babbling and Matt presses on, forgetting the rest of his 3 questions which I was praying was gonna be fore more loot or poontang, inquiring "There ain't shit there! It's in the wastes! Are you fucking serious?!?!?" as his guide appears tugging on his coat sleeve. Suddenly all three of the speakers shake, rattle, and roll and gurgle out "TRICKSTER, GAMBLER, DO NOT DENY THE THREADS OF FATE! GOTO RUMIDON! THE STRAIN!!!' as Matt is lifted out of the room and tossed out through the doorway. This angers him greatly and he charges back through the Ter'An'Greal trying to get back there to answer his questions "Fuck Rumidon! Mutherfucking tricking ass fucktards!" as he hurtles through the door...and lands on the other side of the wall going straight through the door as if nothing was there. So he tries the other side and nearly smashes a barrel with his lamp there. Then a foot comes through the doorway. It's Rand!
Rand steps through with FireSword (tm) in hand. He spots Matt and says "Oh you were in there too? Did you get any answers?" "Fuck no, those snakeskin fags didn't tell me nuttin'!" he rants on as he breaks out the rolling papers for a phatty, "What 'bout you?" as Rand smiles, another foot comes through and it's Morainne! She stares at them all with that "I hate men, but since none are around you 2 will work!" look and then huskily asks them with her he best Estrogen enhanced voice "So you both were in there! No wonder the place erupted! Fools! You should no better than to mess with stuff you do not know! How did you find this device?" Rand looks at Matt "In a book, titled 'Shit the Aes Sedai don't want you to know about Vol 8'" and he gives Matt a high five and asks for a toke on the happy herb. Morainne shifts to Matt as he puffs out "Book..yes..stuff...reading...
Egwene, Elayne and Nynaeve are packing for Tanchico when the door is kicked open and Lan barges in. He demands to know why Nynaeve is going to Tanchico! By this tone we gather that Tanchico is like Compton and Nynave being a honkey from the farm will get gangraped faster than a Islamic prisoner at Abu Garhib. Nynaeve waves her hand to dismiss him as she pulls a "I never said where I was going, you only ASSUMED, stupid man." and then Lan is on her smothering her with kisses, and lovey dovey happy things, I guess all that time alone with the horses is getting him kinda ansy as Morainne keeps telling him to put it in her browneye and doesn't kiss him afterwards. Nynaeve struggles but she likes it rough, as he confesses his undying love for her and the women all coo at this as he leaves telling her "You had me at hello..." and then vanishes. How romantic, I think I'll smash my face into the cube wall for 10min now.
Sorry for the long delay...editing porn is harder than it sounds...