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Wheel of Time: Book by Book

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


I had planned to do a massive update over the weekend. I had a 3hr drive down south to pick up some porno tapes I was editing for this one chick, but sadly the MP3 deck I was using decided to run out of batteries so all I heard at one point was "Faile turned and faced Beralain and " and that was that halfway there. I was forced to listen to the radio till I bought some batteries today and used it that way. This is just another reason why I need to put in my damn head unit in the car instead of fucking around with a tape/cd combo deal!

Let's see...what was the last thing that happened to our merry band of fucktards. Oh here we go, it's all coming back to me in an epiphany of creative writing goodness!

Perrin, whom after fighting stuff, killing lots of Trollocs and other stuff is packing to go away from Rand and head back to the 2 Rivers. Why? Well he thinks that the only way to stop the White Cloaks and their rampage through the area is to go there and offer himself up as a sacrifice to die. Not to fight them or drive them off the land or slaughter them with brilliant tactical subterfuge, no damn no! He plans to go there and offer himself up as the proverbial lamb to the slaughter, home boy has a Jesus complex. Just as he's about to pack his furry wolf outfit away for a nice session of yiffing Baralain, the first of Mayan and a total cock tease, tries to tell Perrin how brave he was and that she really needs him to come back to Mayan and 'put some hard iron in her bedroom' He tries to shrug her off and keeps packing and tell her "Go get yer own damn blacksmith to pound out some iron elsewhere!" when Faile walks in as Baralain was playing with Perrin's hair. At this point Baralain whispers "You ass is mine boy." and fluffs out the door. Faile pulls out a dagger and prepares to carve out Perrin's heart when she asks Perrin what he is doing.

"I'm going home to the 2 Rivers, and you aren't going"
"So when do we leave?"
"In the morning and you can't come"
"Which boat are we going on?"

it goes back and forth and then Perrin says "You shoulda seen it earlier when I had Baralain under the sheets toying with the Happy Thunder Rod!" Faile throws a knife at Perrin and leaves and then Perrin gets all weepy he was mean to his gf as "I didn't want her to come, she would see me die!"

Now I'm going to stop for a second here and comment. If I had someone whom I cared for a great deal, loved, wanted her with me, and she was tough as nails, why the fuck would I kick her aside? Yes I know, male pride and all, but look at it this way. You've got someone whom can watch your back, she is fully well versed in killing any mutherfucker that messes with you, and she's fun as hell in bed! These are winning combo's here in the medieval stages that who wouldn't want them on their side??? If I had these problems I'd be saying "Saddle up honey, we are heading on out to kick some ass, make sure you got your shit packed." and if I was in one of Robert Jordan's books she'd be all flushing and blushing and then pulling hair and then call me Master as she does what I say as women here have no spine.

So Faile runs out and confront Baralain in the hall, she breaks out a dagger and says "Stay away from my MAN Bitch!" and the First takes the knife away backhands her and flips her over her shoulder. This doesn't sit well for Perrin's Babies momma, so she attacks her with another dagger before Rhuarc steps in ninja like. He takes the daggers, tells both of them that they need to get their shit straight, go the fuck to their rooms before he's gonna break himself off a piece. Baralain protests but he reminds her if they need to have a talk again, she runs away. Faile laughs, asks for her daggers back, Rhuarc bitch slaps her and says "You played with toys, now you can't have them" Faile sulks and asks about the 'talk'? Baralain was a bad girl when she got there and he made her shovel shit as a reminder that she can't break the rules that Rhuarc puts in place, and that if you disobey the rules you gotta pay the price, and he tells Faile to get the fuck out of his sight.

Matt, scurvy lil bastard, decides to tempt fate and go through the door that people ask 3 questions on. He's all decked out in his bling to a T after sassing up one of the kitchen maids for a bit, but it was dark and really she was rather rough on him and had an adam's apple to boot but it's neither here nor there. He steps through the doorway and lands in a large spiraled room with a snakey man who hiss out "So they have come again, so it as it was supposed to prophecized that all those.." "I'm here to get my questions answered, shut the fuck up and take me there before I stab you" "Ok! But do not bring the light in here or the pretty music my precious" We can see Matt is still sore after the rubdown he had earlier and wondered why he felt bristly hair on her while she was down on him "Could be me, I didn't shave today. Damn." he ponders while walking aimlessly after the guide. They reach a chamber with 3 of those hissing people and as they have an epileptic seizure shouting "Ask the questions!" Matt shrugs and says "Should I go save my family" All 3 shout out "Go to Rumidon!"

This wasn't the answer Matt wanted and he says "Why the fuck should I go there? What the fuck is that place! Answer my fucking questions" one of the veins on the hissing people's heads explodes while answering his question babbling and Matt presses on, forgetting the rest of his 3 questions which I was praying was gonna be fore more loot or poontang, inquiring "There ain't shit there! It's in the wastes! Are you fucking serious?!?!?" as his guide appears tugging on his coat sleeve. Suddenly all three of the speakers shake, rattle, and roll and gurgle out "TRICKSTER, GAMBLER, DO NOT DENY THE THREADS OF FATE! GOTO RUMIDON! THE STRAIN!!!' as Matt is lifted out of the room and tossed out through the doorway. This angers him greatly and he charges back through the Ter'An'Greal trying to get back there to answer his questions "Fuck Rumidon! Mutherfucking tricking ass fucktards!" as he hurtles through the door...and lands on the other side of the wall going straight through the door as if nothing was there. So he tries the other side and nearly smashes a barrel with his lamp there. Then a foot comes through the doorway. It's Rand!

Rand steps through with FireSword (tm) in hand. He spots Matt and says "Oh you were in there too? Did you get any answers?" "Fuck no, those snakeskin fags didn't tell me nuttin'!" he rants on as he breaks out the rolling papers for a phatty, "What 'bout you?" as Rand smiles, another foot comes through and it's Morainne! She stares at them all with that "I hate men, but since none are around you 2 will work!" look and then huskily asks them with her he best Estrogen enhanced voice "So you both were in there! No wonder the place erupted! Fools! You should no better than to mess with stuff you do not know! How did you find this device?" Rand looks at Matt "In a book, titled 'Shit the Aes Sedai don't want you to know about Vol 8'" and he gives Matt a high five and asks for a toke on the happy herb. Morainne shifts to Matt as he puffs out "Book..yes..stuff...reading.... Did you get answers in there?" She haughtily looks at him before giving him some vague "I may have, perhaps, could've, did you?" reply. "Didn't understand jack shit in there, what about you Rand." "I now know what I must do, to become The One." as he points out the shape of Jesus in the pot smoke and then leaves the room flame in hand. Morainne storms off after him while Matt shakes his head and thinks about some lil honey who need to have his Love Boat flow up her 2 Rivers.

Egwene, Elayne and Nynaeve are packing for Tanchico when the door is kicked open and Lan barges in. He demands to know why Nynaeve is going to Tanchico! By this tone we gather that Tanchico is like Compton and Nynave being a honkey from the farm will get gangraped faster than a Islamic prisoner at Abu Garhib. Nynaeve waves her hand to dismiss him as she pulls a "I never said where I was going, you only ASSUMED, stupid man." and then Lan is on her smothering her with kisses, and lovey dovey happy things, I guess all that time alone with the horses is getting him kinda ansy as Morainne keeps telling him to put it in her browneye and doesn't kiss him afterwards. Nynaeve struggles but she likes it rough, as he confesses his undying love for her and the women all coo at this as he leaves telling her "You had me at hello..." and then vanishes. How romantic, I think I'll smash my face into the cube wall for 10min now.

Sorry for the long delay...editing porn is harder than it sounds...

Friday, June 10, 2005


As last we left poor Rand in the midst of getting his ass handed to him by LanFear and some Trollocs, LanFear blabs on for a few minutes that Rand forgot all about his precious Callendor and that since he left it there some of the other Forsaken might be willing to take it from him, she then lets him go, again for the umpteenth time telling him that he will be hers, now and forever, lovey dovey peach bunnies in a barrel, and laughs as Rand gives a "OH SHIT!" look and darts off to get his magic SWORD!

Rand flees from a laughing Lanfear and she vanishes farther into the Stone as Rand ignores soliders, Trollocs, Aiel all fighting but Rand flies past them all trying to get at his magic Crystal Sword of PWR +12! He kicks the door open and he sees his pretty precious sitting right there for him to take with him. He rushes over it to cooing "Yes, they take you, my pretty red sword, precious, sweetling." while petting it over and over again. He hefts it high and we get a backdrop of the castle of Grayskull while he shouts out for Mum-ra to check himself before he wrecks himself while drawing in a shitload of the Midichlorians to kick some whoopass with.

A Fade walks into the room where Rand is, Rand turns slowly, the Fade gets the "Oh fuck" look on it's pale eyeless face, it's wearing black trousers by Jean Paul, a black tunic made by Armani, and those sexy lil gloves by OJ. Rand says "TIME TO DIE SUCKAH!" and blasts him to atoms with Saidin, Rand then proceeds to storm from room to room blasting shit to firebased atoms but finally stops and thinks "I must do this faster, yes faster, definately, definately." and conjures up a lightning storm somehow. Moiranne walks in on him with Lan in toe and sees Rand doing this and before she can stop him he unleashes hell upon the enemy there. Lighting courses throughout room to room obliterating Trollocs and Fades like they were made of nothing. They catch on fire and we hear Rand chortling, "burn it all down, burn the building, I'll burn it all!" when he spies a dead girl on the ground.

He decides that after he's incerated hundreds of enemies he's not done enough and plays Jesus and tries to bring the girl back to life. Moiranne calls him a fucking idiot and that he can't play God, but Rand holds up the sword Callandor and says "WATCH ME!" and gets her heart beating, her limbs moving, and her chest rising, but her eyes show her soul is gone. He gives a Darth Vader "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and let's her die on the ground, again. He then cries. Boohoo. Moiranne asks "What are you gonna do now?" and Rand mumbles "I will explain all on the morrow, yessssss..." and stumbles off to his room to pass out.

Flipping sideways over to Nynaeve, Egwene, Aviendha, and Elayne we see that after the battle Egwene wants to goto Tel'An'Rihod (fucking a what is with these names!??!!) the Dream World. They figure that they can go see what the Black Ajah are upto as they jack into the Matrix and leap on over to Tanchico to check it out. Egwene passes out without the ring so she can test her powers and not rely on the ring to help her out. She appears in a museum with an elephant skeleton, only they don't call it an elephant but whatever, and she decides to try on new clothes like a barbie doll. She goes form wearing red bondage garb stacked with leather boots, a riding crop, and a devil tail to bare ass naked and then to some sort of MC Hammer type pants and getup. We hear all in gushing detail the quality, texture, sparkly jewels, and other inane fashion statements about her clothes until she settles on something. She goes out exploring, walking, running into people and then she wonders about how the wise ones do the dream walking.

Next thing we see is she's in the Aiel wastes and some woman with a spear is going to stab a boar and Egwene flips out and runs away yelling at herself to concentrate and not be stupid. I kept saying the same damn thing. Wandering around the city, she sees more stuff, even though she's in a dream world and can do ANYTHING she walks, and then runs and guess what she thinks of? Yup back to the wastes we go!

Chiding herself as the boar rushes her and she screams and flails on the ground having a seizure praying she won't die, the lady with the spear says "You shouldn't be wearing that garb!" and then Egwene is naked! Egwene then puts on some other clothes magically, tells her "I mean you no harm!" and flees back to Tanchico.

Looking up in the Matrix she says "Woah!" as birds fly around and she thinks, "If they can do it so can I!" and she flies around like Peter fucking Pan looking for the Black Ajah. She's pulled to earth by some strange force and when she lands she sees the woman with the spear, only she doesn't have the spear but a pissed off look in her face. The woman, known as Amys (don't quote me on this one, I gotta recheck that) yells at her for being a fucking dumbass for flying like an idiot and telporting around and what the fuck is she doing here anyway and what the fuck is her fucking name! Clearly the Aiel woman is pissed and not going to take the hair pulling, blushing, stupid eyed shit from anyone. I like her! Egwene begins to confess everything, gushes is out like a fountain, remind me never to clue her in on anything, her whole mission, her life story, even that she sleeps with a Pikachu doll at night. Amys then tells her she doesn't know what the fuck she is doing and she needs to come up to the Cold Ass Sept where she is staying and learn before she kills herself. Then Egwene feels herself pulled back out of the Matrix by Elayne smacking her across the face Rick Flair style (WHOOOOO!) yelling at her "we didn't know if you were going to wake up we were so scared! " They cuddle and hold each other for a moment, and Egwene relates all the things that went down. Egwene tells them that she's going to go for this training and that the other girls can go on without her when Moiranne opens the door.

Moiranne informs them that the capitve Black Ajah women are dead and that she's got a message for Aviendha: She is to report to the Wise One's hold in the Aiel Waste ASAP and to STFU and not say anything bad. Aviendha pouts and rants saying "I'm a Warrior Princess! They can't do this to me!" and storms off. Nynaeve informs Moiranne of their plan: Egwene to the North to the waste with Aviendha and Elayne and Nynaeve to Tanchico to search out the Black Ajah that Egwene reported being there and feeling "E V I L!"

>>Rand's bout of trying to raise the dead was priceless. I hope he does it again, sometime soon, and then sets them on fire and flings them around like a battering ram! "FIRE SHIELD THIS ASSHOLE!" Oh to only be a NPC in this book...

Thursday, June 09, 2005


This one will be short, maybe, I didn't get a chance to listen to it as much as I wanted to as bitches had to keep calling me and racking up my cell phone bill that much more! That and there was no way I was gonna listen to this thing @ 10pm driving home, it would've sent me off one of the bridges into the Gulf!

So we are back to Matt's quest to get the fuck outta Dodge City but everytime he leaves he keeps getting sucked back in (think the scene from Godfather III here). He goes down to explore that door that Egwene talked about and didn't see squat, saw himself one of those girls with a phat booty and decided he need to 'break me off a piece o'dat!' and hussled away to get him some gin n' juice.

We soon find out that Elayne and Rand have been keeping quiet kissyface time whenever they got a spare amount of time, she's making him into a better ruler and telling him "Now remember Rand you can't butcher the villagers and burn them all down because they may have taken your stapler!" and generally making herself quite useful to him as he mutters along about "Power, Fajita I will you!, no you are not my Father!" His brain goes to mush as days pass and knowing that Elayne is leaving and that he'll have to do something when she's gone. How about take her into the room and show her your Dragon of Power there wonder boy?

Rand wanders back from a meeting with the lords of Tyr, threatening to hang them in pairs if they don't obey his commands, he's teetering on the deep end of Stalinistic power here, if he mentions the Gulag, I'll get ecstatic! He moves to the window to look over the hot and nasty city of Tyr, I'm thinking it's like New Orleans in the summertime, when he hears a voice telling him "Hello there hotstuff!" He whirls to see it's Lanf...I mean Selene and she's looking at him all lustfully telling him "Now you are MINE! Now and FOREVER!" Rand gives her his typical "Hi there Selene! We were friends, good friends, happy friends, 851 cherry blossoms go on that tree in the window, what do you mean you want me forever and stop calling me Leroy! I'm Rand!" "No Lews Therrin Tellephone you are mine now and forever! Don't you remember me! You loved me before you loved those other whores!" and she changes into her other form to a hotter MILF, I'm thinking of Wifey here, "I AM LANFEAR!" "Nahhh you can't be her, why would you say that? I like to eat drywall." Rand retorts to her remarks. Then she strikes him with the True Power and he realizes "Damn, the bitch really is Lanfear!" (see, anyone with half a fucking skull cap knew this already a book and a half ago, forgive him, he apparently lacks all common sense) So when he tries to get to his Magic Swod Callendor +5 Kinslaying UberWeapon of FIRE! he is blocked, she means business! Moving closer to him she tries to turn him to the Dark Side by promising him power, riches, the world, a bj that would cause his head to pop like a melon, but he adamantly refuses like that damn vulture on Bugs Bunny "Nope, nope, nope, nope, doohhhhh nope, nope, nuhuh, nope!" At that very moment a hand appears through the doorway with a knife just as Lanfear was about to cop a feel! Rand summons a sword, shoving Lanfear aside and lobs off the guys hand and stabs him WITH A TRIDENT! (bad Anchorman reference) in his heart. He wonders how anyone can get through his legion of trained Ninja assassin Pipe Hittin' Nigga Badass' when Lanfear says "You don't have to go out there, you can stay here and we can make whoppy and you can have TEH ULTIMAT POWR!!!11!!11eleven!" but he decides to go out and get killed with his new flaming magical sword he conjured up. He opens the door and see bodies and the sounds of battle!

Trollocs and Fades are killing Aiel and Guradians of the Stone. Hacking those mutherfuckers apart is more like it, but Rand calls out to the Fade giving him the typical "COME GETSUM MUTHAFUCKA!" and the Fade happily slinks over to him and Rand lobs his sissy lil head off. He calls out "The Stone must not FALL!" and the men rally around him and stab the rest of the Trollocs as they are now uncontrolled by the death of the Fade. He shouts "Rally to me! More to kill! BLOOD FOR THE BLOODGOD! Skulls for the Throne of Khorne!" (maybe the last bit is an improv) and the men charge up behind him and stalk off for more killing! Exciting!

The groups of men are joined by Aiel, some stay, some die, others go off their own way as Rand storms around the Stone of Tyr killing everything in his path. He looks over a balcony and sees Moiranne and Lan fighting off wave after wave of Trollocs, when Rand turns and see Trollocs busting through a door aside him! He whirls and does his Flipper Sliding through Porthole combined into Tree Snake Slithers along Sally on one of them and crashed into the second as he slips on blood. Another Trolloc comes to cleave him in two but a great big hole appears where it's head would be as a third Trolloc kills the one about to kill Rand! "Ironic, don't you think?" as Rand sets the last one on fire and then spots Lanfear looking like a humble lil maid. Again she promises him "Power unimaginable!" but he decides to pin her to the wall with Saidin and laughs at her, but then he is throw back and nearly chokes to death as she undoes his work on her and moves toward him "Stupid boy! I know more in my pinky than in your whole body!" Is Rand screwed? Will he be raped by this hot Wifey look alike? Will he finally lose his cherry or be sodomized by some Trollorc gangbang session??!?!? Stay tuned!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


Or "How Rand Learns to Use the Force by Wimen"

Sometime later in the morning after the whole Rumble in the Jungle went down we find Elayne and Egwene knocking on Rand's door. First thing I thought of "Rand's gonna geterdone 2 4 1!" but then I remembered "MORON! This is RAND! He only just in the last 2 books had 1 nut drop and he kicked a half-naked latina out of his room, what do you think he'll do with 2 hotties!??!!?" Silly me I must be thinking like a guy again. Rand invites them in, they see he's got tons and tons of books stacked up all around his room, piled high like some EQ junkie piles up Pizza Hut boxes. Egwene spots the titles of some "Treaties on Using Swords!" and "Dummies Guide to Being a Man" and she raises an eyebrow at a few copies of "Cherry Poppers" that he's tucked under the pillow. They inform him that they are there to teach him to use Saidin. He looks at them stupidly with a "It's like teaching a man to give birth to children! Can't be done!" (actual quote from the book!) But they try anyway.

Elayne and Egwene command (oh that's great!) him to use the True Power Source Magic on them as they try it out to see if he can detect them using it. Sure enough he can sense them using it but they can't feel it on them. Egwene blows up at him "Are you using it NOW!??!" so he uses a bit of it to pinch her ass, she blasts back with a cold cock on him sending him down. That pisses him the fuck off so he roars at them "you want to see the TRUE POWER OF THE DARKSIDE!!!??!?!" so he picks them up, cuts off their Saidar power source pool of magic and begins to randomly set things on fire and blow stuff up. I feel that that's a justified use as he's melting gold and making tables dance and catch on fire, good boy! Meanwhile the women are nearly shitting themselves as they can't use Saidar at all and are scared until he puts it all out and sets them down smugly.

As soon as he does they charge up Dragonball Z style going to 18billion quads of power and tell him to never do that again, Egwene then lays down the bombshell that she loves him like a brother and doesn't want to marry him anymore. Rand takes this a bit hard and tells her "Well I didn't want to hurt you with the Power and that's bad, and poopysticks " and then Egwene kisses him on the cheek and walks out. Rand then looks over at Elayne after she makes a lil "Hi, Rand" Now we see the true duplicity of women!

Elayne scoots up to him, tells him "I'm very very very like totally unholy fond of you Rand". I get the impression that's she's a fucking valley girl here from CA and this makes me loathe her even more. Rand says "Well DUH I'm fond of you too! HYUCK!" stupid ass fucking hillbilly bastard. Elayne takes this as a sign that Rand is confused, bewildered, doesn't know what to say, fuckstick he NEVER knows what to fucking SAY! RJ can't write a man and a woman holding a decent conversation no more than George Lucas can write a fucking love scene! GAH! So Elayne says "Kiss me Rand, oh just Kiss me!" as he stammers "But I only just met you and I'm FOND of you!" while the tricksy woman's mind comes up with "Oh does that mean you don't know how?" Now this is the universal way to manipulate a man, tell him "You don't know how to do it do you dummy!" and watch as he bumblefucks his way to do it to PROVE he can and sure as shit Rand scoops her up and puts a liplock worthy of Monica Lewinski on her. How sweet, I pulled off the interstate and vomited.

After a brief make out session that didn't even get Rand up to the plate, Elayne tells him that she's leaving in a few days and wants to see him some more, and before he can say "NO...OK...I mean..Fond! YES!" the lords of Tyr come in and Rand has to throw down some new laws on them as Elayne dips out. Rand in front of men==Strong, tough, stern! in front of women==bowl of 8 day old Laguna. Shit goes down, Rand yells at them and they do what he says, blah blah blah noone cares.

Egwene while wandering out in the gardens spots Matt trying to score some tail for a nooner, some plumper he's got his eye on and Egwene 'hmmphs!' at him and he tells the woman "Be back in a bit baby, got's to take care of some biz on the side, shizzle!" and smacks her on the ass as she hustles off and Matt gives her a "That's my baby's mama right HEUH!" as Egwene chides him on not spending time with her and Nynaeve. "You want me to spend time with a bunch of bitches that do nothing but root through my shit and wrap me up like a jimmy hat? You out your mind woman!?!?" he guffaws at her but she presses on and tells him about the MAGIC door that can answer 3 questions. This has him wondering about how he can make a BAJILLION dollars, and Egwene smacks him in the face for thinking of "being so greedy and selfish all the time! Honestly!" I was shouting "GO MATT GO!" while he said that as that's what I was gonna do, I'm liking Matt more now! Egwene asks about Perrin, and Matt says he's been in the same shithole taverns as he's been talking to sailors, merchants, and 'strange men from out of town'. I think Perrin's gone over to the side of the Village People when we find out he's been trying to find adventure for Faile his girlfriend or whatever she is.

Perrin, thinks it's a BRILLIANT idea to get rid of some hot asian broad who wants to share his bed with him, ride him like a stag pony, while he gets his rocks off to wearing a furry suit and yiffing with sailors. What fucking kind of idiot is this, but NO she's got to go because "she'll be safer away from me and Rand as I MUST follow RAND!" Give me a break, take her with you, if she dies, it's her fucking fault, she prolly has a twin sister somewhere! Fuckin A upgrade man! UPGRADE! Do you know how much trim you can get by saying "Yeah I'm with Jesus, I mean the Dragon Reborn!" fucking A! So Perrin is looking for an adventure to ship her off so she'll go away, far far away, so he can get back to playing hide the anchor with the sailors or his wolves....Saucy pervert..

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

WoT:PbP XVI Book 4 continues!

After nearly a year of taking time off from doing this and doing other things, my few fans have come to me kicking, screaming, and begging for me to do more. I know I know, I shouldn't tell people that my own mother kicked me, but hey, she's mom, what can you. Without further ado, I bring you Wheel of Time: Play by Play, now with more BUBBLES!

Yes, that's right bubbles. As we last left our fearless group of fucktard nitwits, they were all in Tyr as bad shit was happening all around them, very bad shit, naughty things and all. After Rand's whole debacle Moiraine comes in and explains to Rand, Perrin, and those Aiel women that it's due to 'evil bubbles in the Force"! The dark one Shitan, is breaking loose and his 'evilness' is bubbling out like me after eating a whole plate of spaghetti, mama mia! This EvilFarts(tm) is what caused the whole period of madness! It must be! That has to be it! It couldn't be due to the fact that there are other forces at work that want to kill all 3 of the boys, some Black Ajah left over, people who hate the boys for taking over the Stone of Tyr, someone who really didn't like Perrin's yellow eyes staring at his new Great Dane lustfully. Nah! It's gotta be Evil Bubbles!

Matt, whom I am liking more and more in a non homo way, decides that he's had enough of this and dashes off to Thom Maryland in the servants section of the Stone. Just as Thom was crafting up a letter to get one of his new hoes beatdown for giving him a case of the Itchy Crotch Rot Matt starts banging on the door and Thom toss the letter in his case. Matt describes his whole scene of flinging daggers at cards and "blasting shit as this shit was seriously fucking shit the fuck up! FUCK!" So now we all know that Matt was doing lines of Cocaine off one of the maids asscrack before he got drunk and played cards, I know this because Thom knows this and Thom tells him so. Matt says "I gots to get me the fuck outta this muthafucka!" but Thom persuades him with a game of Dominos and of course we all KNOW that throwing a brother a set of Dominoes immediately distracts him from doing something else than what he was supposed to be doing.

Rolling out to Egwene and Nynaeve, they are questioning the Black Ajah bitches about what they were doing and who they were going to see and what was going to happen by telling them "Tell me again but don't use the same words! Different words!" really harsh Gestapo tactics I know. They get that Leanndrin, this red ajah woman, is going to use another guy to impersonate Rand and then cause all sorts of hell by stating he is the Dragon Reborn and then rampaging across the land. The other woman whom they 'question' states that in the city of Tanchico something is going to go down there. Moraine bursts in with Elayne in tow looking like a beat down hoe after her man had to tell her twice, yells at the 2 captives that they have 4 days left before they are shipped to the white tower in Tar Valon and they better confess before they get 'REAL MEANLIKE!' on them. The women piss and shit themselves scared, (oh wait they don't, fuck that must've been the George Martin book I was reading,oops) and then are hustled out by the guards back to their cells.

Nynaeve blows up at this point yelling at Moraine that she storms off when they need her than comes in and dismisses their captives like she was in charge. Moraine looks at her and says "But I AM in charge, who is the Aes Sedai and who WANTs to be one?" Nyneave's vein on her forehead attempts to go Mt. St. Helens when Elayne mumbles something about Rand is hurt and that she saw a half-naked woman in Rand's chambers. Of course everyone stops and looks at Elayne, drama fucking queen, and asks about who this woman was and why she was naked and what about Rand. So she tells them and finishes up "I can't believe he did this to me, I LOVE HIM !" Egwene goes over to her and tells her that she doesn't want Rand anymore and that Elayne can have him as he's like a brother to her now and that's about it. Elayne gets all perky and they make out hot like until Moraine says that now that it's done what have they found out what's going on yet.

Fast forward to 20min of useless banter about nothing, (I want those 20min back goddamnitt!) and we hear Moraine ordering the women around to go down into the cellars and look at Ter'Angreal and about a door that can Answer 3 questions: 1 past, 1 present, 1 future. Of course Nynaneve starts frothing of "WHY DID YOU NOT TELL US BEFORE!" and Moraine calmly states it can only be used once and if you use it to ask about questions concerning the Dark Side of the Force then all shit breaks loose. Elayne thinks "I can ask it if Rand will ever marry me!" and other dreamy thoughts.

Ok, you got this fucking door right? It's powerful, any idiot can use it right? So what do you think you'd ask it? Me? Past: What was the name of that girl that I banged in the back of the Cop Car, I forget and I was drunk at the time. Present: How can I make a BILLION dollars? Future: How can I make a BILLION dollars? Common fucking sense questions here! This is why men rule the fucking world in this story and women are nothing but sniveling lil emotional ticking time bombs. I pray for when there comes a woman with a head on her shoulders besides Moraine!

So all 3 women are wondering where to go and why Moraine wants to push Rand toward warring with another nation, and Elayne begins to say "War is bad, but if you do this, it's ok , but it's bad" nevermind that she's the fucking queens daughter and will rule a fucking nation but she can't keep her head out of thoughts of butterfly fucking kisses with Rand, when Moraine states "If Rand attacks FIRST the rest will fall and he will rule them all" Good policy I think, but Rand is sitting on his ass reading books on prophecy and nonsense and won't make a move until he knows for sure.

All in all, the shit about the women took about 45min to listen to and it involved a whole fucking lot of fucking nothing. GAH! It coulda been done in 10min or less! More when I turn that thing on on the way home if the internet is working when I get there!

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

WoT:PbP XV Book 4 begins

Long overdue update. I had to stop listening to it over the weekend even though I drove a shitload. Sucks being 60 miles from everything in the middle of nowhere. But in the end my dear 3 readers can get a nice long update!

Book 4: Shadow Rising

We start the book off with some nonsense tale about the Dragon Reborn doing bad things to bad people. He'll kill everyone and then eat the rest with a fork and then blow up the world. I really think they are giving Rand waaayyy too much credit as he's good, but sure as shit not that good. I'll wait till he at least pops his cherry before I would even begin to call him newsworthy. But then again these are prophicies and they don't count for shit anyway.

Dain Borhald of the White Klan Cloaks is moving his troops across Andor toward the 2 River's. Apparently it's been some time since this place has 'seen the light'. Yes I know, Jesus is coming, but they want to spread the word quickly. So who do they hook up with? Of course! Ordeth/Paddon Fain. He is now in charge of the delegation to bring the Light to the towns that the original group of Rand, Perrin, Nynaeve, Matt, and Egwene came from. With Dain on a vengence hard-on for Perrin as this is where he came from we learn that he doesn't trust Ordeth as he's already tortured and killed 3 people. Perhaps the son of the guy that got killed when the White Cloaks attacked the Seanchan at the end of book 2. Using deductive reasoning that escapes normal human intellect he blames Perrin because Perrin was there and therefore he killed his dad.

So let's reason this out.

1. Dain's dad led a battle group against Seanchan army.
2. Perrin was in the town of Phalma.
3. Dain's dad died at Phalma.

So if we use Wheel of Time: Logic we deduce that because 1,2, and 3 are true therefore 2 caused 3 to happen. Logical? Hell no! It's all about vengence apparently. Dain suffers emotional pains about hanging innocent people but his thoughts all revolve around Perrin and butchering him in his sleep.

Lil miss Min heads to the White tower dressed not in butch but in a dress. Her hair has grown, she's got a nice body, unfortunately she hates wearing dresses and long hair as that conflicts with her Rainbow Rights ideology and she bitches constantly about it. She goes upto the White Tower requests to see the Amyrlin seat and suprisingly she gets in right away. Along the way she is hussled onward by some idiotic novice who keeps jawing away and right as she gets near the door to go in she holds a 10 minute conversation with Gawyn, Elayne's brother. I timed it, I sat there looking at the display as it clicked onward while her and Gawyn. It's not an important conversation, it's barely relavent to the topic at hand, Gawyn asks where's Elayne and Egwene and Min says "I've got no fucking idea" but she admits he's hot and starts to get all hot and bothered by him. Meanwhile the Amarylin, she's like the pope for god's sake, is sitting there waiting while Gawyn tries to grill Min where the fuck she has been and now that she looks hotter than hell. Finally the door busts open and the Keeper demands Min come in and talk to Suon Sanche, the Amyrlin. Gawyn scampers off cursing he didn't get the digitz but he knows where she is.

Min sees the Amyrlin and gets an earful of "Don't you be prettier than a silverpike flashing a blowfish in the spring rains! YAR!" which causes Min to wonder if her sanity is slipping, that or she wants some more 'hand's on' readings. Min tells Suon what's going on with Rand that he tore off to Tyr and Morainne is following him with Perrin. Suon thinks that's a good idea and an even better idea would be to keep Min here in the tower and ferret out some more information on what is going with Min's viewings. Min has been seeing Dead People (tm) all day as every Aes Sedai she looks is either coated in blood or in chains. Suon needs eyes and ears and says Min's going to be them. Min bitches she wants to go see Rand as she looooovvvessss him , it's a cover, but Suon says "What do you honestly think you can accomplish going to see him besides getting in his way?" and she agrees with her. Suon tells her she will go by her full name of El'Mindra, some hero who probably saved 1000 people but really butchered villages and ate babies alive, and keep dressing like a woman. Min is about to blow a gasket but Suon gives her the stare down and Min humbly agrees.

Back at the Stone of Tyr, Perrin is trying to settle down for the night. Faile is throwing a tirade about wanting to leave the Stone because Rand might flip out and kill everyone. Perrin tells her that she's being an idiot as Rand wouldn't do that. She starts pouting and Perrin gives her a hug and cops a feel, seems like Perrin has a gf! Holy shit! While Perrin's tryint to plant one on her Faile screams and Perrin whirls to see his axe coming at his head! He dodges it and pushes Faile out of the way, but the axe comes back around at him! He wrestles with it in one hand and forces Faile kicking and screaming out the door to their room. Once it's locked and barred he manuevers the axe to grind right into the door, tricky guy! He opens the door to see Failes face a cunt's hair's length away from the axe blade sticking out the door. They agree that Rand did this as it's part of him going mad, yeah, it's not that anyone is out to kill them as they just killed a Forsaken and captured some Black ajah, nahh that's got nothing at all to do with it!

Matt's turn. He's gambling, got his game of cards going on, his oponents, rich snobby lords and sons of lords of Tyr. He's taking all their money, he knows it, his luck is going apeshit here cards are going his way all nite, he knows it. The rest of the boys around the table are getting sloppy drunk and when Matt is dealt his last card he feels a pinprick on his hand. He looks down and see the Amarylin card has cut his hand. All of a sudden all the cards are growing out into human size with their swords and knives trying to stab him! Matt throws the cards into the air and using his throwing knives staples the cards to the wall. The images fade away but Matt finds himself lying on his back with all the cards speared and the lords looking at him as if he is insane. He gets up, grabs his loot and storms off as this is all Rand's fault for going insane. Logic 101 courses begin in 10...9...8...

Rand's turn. He's sitting in his rooms relaxing, mumbling over and over in his sleep that he is the prettiest princess in the land and that he will burn it all down, with fire, till they're dead! He wakes up to see the First of Mayan there. Picture Jessica Alba with seethrough clothes on. She tries to come up to Rand and more or less tells him that she wants him to fuck her brains out, but of course he being a 2 Rivers' boy, blushes and furiously will not take some free and easy poontang pie. AS she's about to rip open his pants and deepthroat his dragonspear, she screams and points behind him, all the mirrors in the room are growing images of Rand and stepping out of them. Holy duplicate of Conan batman! Rand conjures his sword, and the duplicates conjure swords of fire too. He breaks all the mirrors and locks the First in a cage of Air out of the way. Seems women are only useful at getting in the way as of late. Rand fights furiously with them wounding them all but they keep coming on. He puts his hand on the table near his bed which gets turned into feather puree rather quickly and is stabbed by a mini-Rand. He picks it up and absorbs it into him! He drops his sword and the others drop theirs and tackle him. He's taking a furious asskicking of epic proportion but he summons the Force and pulls the dupes into him. He rises, coated in blood from hundreds of cuts by glass, releases the First, she begs forgiveness for being so rude and gets down on hands and knees. Now if it were me, It'd be the perfect time for a blowjob, you just got done kicking some ass, your beatup, shit call in some dinner and a bj and it's a good nite! Nope he sends her off telling her to leave him the fuck alone and she runs away scared shitless.

Perrin comes stomping up to the door to Rand's room, tells Faile maybe he should talk to Rand alone and she agrees, she runs off as he gets to open the door. He sees the first come bolting out of there like a bat out of hell, he sees Rand all cut up mumbling stuff about "Burn it all, take my red stapler, bastards, 9941 toothpicks..." and Perrin screams for the Aiel to get Morainne. He questions Rand about what is going on and he says that he saw many of him and he killed them all. Morainne comes in and heals Rand and he screams as the glass comes out of him and his bleeding has stopped. He passes out and Perrin and Morainne leave as Rand becomes oblivious to all those who came to help him out as the whole room is full of glass shards.

Sorry this took so long, works sucking the life out of me.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

WoT:PbP XIV Update 1 End of Book 3

jesus h. christ. I had to goto my accountant today, he's about 1.5hrs away so I finished up book 3 today. Yeah, I'm impressed, sarcasm mode on.

Nynaeve, Egwene, and Elayne spend a few days hunting around and when Nynaeves comes back from the store with the theif hunter she sees the Black Ajah there in the house, she's been betrayed by the theif hunter. She attempts to blast them to pieces with the Force but it's cut off, so she does a good impression of Tanya Harding Boxing and mauls one of them and gives the other a backhand. Eventually she gets subdued by another woman giving her Bruce Lee force punches and goes down bloodied and brused. They drag them all off into a coach and carry them off to the Stone of Tyr as bait for other Aes Sedai, perhaps to be turned to the dark side. "Come to the darkside!" echoes faintly in the coach...

Matt's wanderings around town are fruitless and Thom's death wheezes are grating on his nerves so he looks for a doctor. He finds a wise woman that everyone mentions and she gives Thom some nasty black vile shit to drink. He cusses her out for a while and Matt laughs at him. She recognizes his accent and Matt gets all tense. He inquires about the girls and the wise woman says "You can't help them they've been take by a Highlord!" Matt has 0 idea what the hell that means and tells her "Tell me know before I tie you to a lightpost and set you on fire!" he's gone mad due to the stress by the way, his gold teeth all fell out. She tells him that they are in the Stone of Tyr and that they are 'guests' of Highlord Sammael. Matt thinks "Ok! Thom wait right here and I'll go spring them from an impenitrable fortress, using fireworks, a staff, and my wits!" Thom starts gagging on some phlegmn and the wise woman agrees to tend to him. He grabs his shit and goes off to assault Fort Knox!

Perrin meanwhile comes back from a hard day's work and sees Morainne and Lan all frantic. Zareen asks what's going on and she tells them that Lord Sammael has the black ajah there with him and they plan on going to assualt it. She tells them that they need to goto Tar Vallon as they will be safe there, Perrin says "Okie dokie" and Zareen runs upstairs to get the fuck out of Dodge. Perrin goes upstairs as she is taking her sweet ass time and when he sees her on the ground dead he attempts to goto her but Morainne holds him back. Appears she's been dragged off to the Land of Sleep by a ter'angreal that looks like Sonic the hedgehog. Perrin throws a temper tantrum but will not leave her, Morainne shrugs and takes off. Perrin grabs Loiel and tells him to watch over his body as he's going after her. He leaps in shouting "RAWR!" like a big cat and when he touches her he's teleported to the Land of Sleep. Here I thought as soon as he touched a booby he'd turn beat red and explode. Well there he is with Hopper and tells the wolf that they need to find Zareen and he morphs into a wolf and bounds after her! Amazing how one woman that he fucking hates just turns him into the path that he has been trying to avoid for the last XXX pages! Love is a fickle mistress, thank god my girlfriends Rosie and Manuela will never leave me, I love them both, sweet lil things!

[OK this part is a mass of plots and pages flipping all around, so instead of doing all the plot threads flipping back and forth I will run out each one till they intersect and finish there. Much easier to read and makes sense. If not you'll end up having a 1/5 of whisky like I just did! Wooyah!]

Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne awaken to find themselves still shielded from the Force (but they can still sense midichlorians! Oh the humanity!) so they see they are in some cell but they got all their loot. Doesn't anyone loot the bodies anymore? Fuckin' a! Egwene thinks that she can find a way out by going to sleep and using her ring ter'angreal to get them out. So she passes out in a coma and goes exploring. She manages to catch one Aes Sedai Black Ajah napping and she wraps them in Spirit and Air and cuts them from the One Power. She screams like a queer finding out they got dollar deals on rainbow spandex and she lies there as Egwene goes out more. She comes back to tell the girls that she can do more but she needs more sleep. She wants Nynaeve to lull her to sleep. So we get some good Jenna Jammeson action and Egwene passes out and finds the one sister guarding her door. She fuckstarts her brain and when she is done she comes back awake to see Matt and the theifcatcher there rescuing them. They get all huffy as they don't need rescuing but all agree that he's an idiot. Matt rolls his eyes as they leave to cause more trouble and hunt down Black Ajah, before they go Nynaeve cold clocks the Black sister by the door and their power is returned. I would've just stabbed her but that works too.

Matt peers outside on the roof overlooking the Stone of Tyr. it's a massive fucking fortress that isn't supposed to fall until the Aiel come and the Dragon Reborn takes the sword Excalibur, I mean Calandor. As Matt is about to 'assault' the castle all by himself he gets a spear to his throat, he tries to do a flip kick gimmick Jet Li style and ends up having 4 more spears on his throat. Turns out the Aiel are there to take down Tyr and Matt happens to be in the way. Matt says "Hey I'm going your way man! Why you keep a brutha down?" at that point the theif catcher Julian (sure that's it another expendable!) says "Hey I'm going there too to rescue the girls, I turned them in, I owe them" Yeah he's a mental genius, he's got a penis so 'nuff said. The Aiel agree to give them a pass and go assault it from another side saying only "The time of the Dragon is at hand, we go to seek him" and disapear Ninja Stealth style. I love those guys. How does Matt plan to get into the Stone? Easy! He straps all the fireworks into one hole and lights the fuse. One pound of C4 later and there's a nice huge hole which him and Julie go in. They tackle some guards and some Highlords all looking for the dungeon. They find a secret doorway as Matt was about to toss Julian out the window for wasting his time and they find it and find the girls after seeing the Aes Sedai that Egwene cut off from the One Power the first time. She's writing in pain crying "Help me!" Matt cops a feel real quick as he's getting the keys off her and frees the girls. They all go look for death.

Perrin in his wolf forms hunts for Zareen, whom he now calls Faile as he is all luvy dovey now, [vomit] and finds her in a room, frees her and she disapeers. This concept of "hahaha we hid her all over the place moron!" escapes him and he gets all furious and smashes shit to bits. He then hunts her down several more times till Hopper says "Time grows short, you've been here too long", Perrin growls "Then find her for me!" and they goto a big brass door. Perrin hits it with his hammer thrice and it crashes down. Inside is a falcon tied to a pole and hundreds of other hawks harry him while he gets to her. He makes it there and rips apart her chain as he's sliced to pieces by the birds. I hate birds by the way, filthy fucking creatures that eat and shit every where. You can't pet them, they bite you, best bird is a fucking dead bird run over by my car...ahhh memories... Anyway, Perrin awakes as Zareen is wiping up his blood mumering "My poor moronic blacksmith has saved me!" and he fades out into obliviou forgetting her name.

Rand, haven't spoken about him in ages, finally gets to the hall that holds Calandor he goes to pick it up and meets Belal. Again we get the whole "Do you remember me Lews Therrin? I was your buddy, we fought together, now take the sword Calandor or I will kill you!" Again with the whole "Do X or Die!" routine. They fight with Rand with a red sword of flame and Belal with a black sword. Eventually Belal forces Rand to take the sword by nearly using Black Balefire Hydooken on him. When Rand touches Calandor, besides the sound of angels going "LAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", he unleashes a Mega Blast on Belal and he screams as he is rended apart from all time. Rand starts to set down the sword and guess who fucking shows up? Just take a fucking guess? Come on we've all seen this fucking coming and I prayed it wasn't going to happen. Yes folks, that's right, fucking Baazelman. Jesush on a pogostick can't RJ find another fucking guy to throw at Rand for the Final Fight 2k4! climax? So here we go again with the whole "Since you won't serve me you die! I shall suck your soul and you will die! Serve the great lord of the dark in death so die! I hate you daddy now die!" routine. Rand keeps wondering "Didn't I kill this fucker twice already?" and then Rand shows him Calandor splitting some Baelfire as Baalzeman goes "Oh shit!" and teleports out of there. Rand grunts "It's time you fucking stay dead asshole!" and teleports after him. They end up doing a running battle similar to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom while Indy's escaping. Long story short (no shit right?) Rand unleashes Balefire, for 3000 year old technology it's popping up every fucking where!, and blasts Baazelman to bits. Darkness fades and Rand's back in the Stone and Morainne appears. Rand shouts "I killed that muther fucker dead!" and Morainne says "Nope, you killed A MAN not Satan himself" Rand gets all pissy and storms off. Overhead the flag of the Dragon flies overhead. Shouts of "AL'THOR!" and "DRAGON!" echo the town as the Aiel explain they are the Children of the Dragon (tm) and that none other know how to serve Rand than them.

So ends book 3. Overall a decent book, not the best pulp I've read, but it can all be summed up like this: Everyone goes apart, then comes back together again for some odd reason and plot hooks pull them together. Rand kills Satan again. The End.

If Rand fights fucking Satan at the end of Book 4 I am going to set the CD on fucking fire! Kill someone and keep them dead for godsake!

Good fight and Good nite! Time to hit the whisky!


or "Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's off to Tyr we go!"

First up is the women Nynaeve, Elayne, and Egwene dock at Tyr after nearly killing each other over the fact of who would be in charge. They get on their horses and ride off, Nynave telling them they are not staying at an Inn and Elayne getting huffy at the fact that she won't get her beauty sleep and Egwene isn't being an uber cunt toward them all. Nynaeve leads them to some herbal shop, some great big, fat, old woman is sitting there looking surly. Nynaeve and her get into an hour long pissing contest about herbal remedies and Egwene politely asks them "How do you cure someone that has the shits of the mouth?" and they get the hint. They secure rooms and tell the old woman about looking for the women and items that were stolen. The old witch says she knows a Private Investigator and goes out and gets him. Nynaeve tells the guy she's looking for 13 women and tells him that "These women will fuckstart your head if you EVEN think of fucking with them." He gives them a glazed over look, he's a male so of course by default he's a moron. The women settle down for the night in the shop and proceed to use the Ring of Sleepwalking to scout.

Egwene dreams herself into The Land of Sleep and goes straight to the Stone of Tyr. What she sees astounds her, 13 sisters all sitting around the sword Calador and when she looks around one of the sisters looks right at her, smiles, and then Egwene wakes up screaming! Oh no! Nynaeve and Elayne calm her down a bit by getting her all drugged up and then giving her a warm "rubdown". Lesbians all of them. They ponder over what it means that there are 13 women that know that they are there, that know what they know that they know what it is that is known by the unknown knowns! RJ should work for the defense department!

Matt's boat comes into Tyr after leaving Wherever in a hurry, him and Thom get their horses, pay the captain his gold and go looking for the girls. Happenstance they wander by the same place that the girls are at but he doesn't find them yet. Nope, we get another 30+ pages added to this tome about him hunting them down. Matt and Thom find an Inn and set their shit down. They then go out into the street and go Inn by Inn, gambling and asking about the women and Komar. Thom's got bronchitis, or probably Tuberculosis, death comes soon for Thom! MUHAHAHAHHHAHAHA! Eventually, half about to pass out they agree that this is the last Inn they are going into, and stagger into it. They see Komar dicing and talk to the innkeeper. He's bitching about Komar cheating at dice as he seems to win a helluva lot more than what he loses. Matt figures that if he can get Komar to fight him he can kill him and stop him from hurting the women. In reality we all know Matt wants to bang Egwene as she always talked about how Matt had the best 'staff' skills in the 2 River's, what a cocktease.

Matt gets his stroll on and sits down at the table with Komar. His gold teeth gleam in the light and Komar says "Well farmboy looks like you want to play? How about this?" and rolls the dice, 3 6's and 2 5's. Matt takes the dice and gives them a shake and gives it a "BOOYAH SUCKA!" and watches the world go crazy as the dice roll up 5 6's! He then tells Komar that he best not try to kill the girls and to leave town now. Of course this just pisses Komar off and he attempts to kill Matt but Matt flips him over the table and he breaks his back when he lands. Yeah Ok. Komar's dying words were "I am not alone, others are coming" and then he dies and Matt and Thom have to flee before trouble comes and finds them.

Perrin's group arrives in Tyr tired and exhausted. They've traveled nonstop to get to this place, I don't remember if it's by boat or not, does it even matter at this point? They find an Inn to stay at and get the penthouse suite. Morainne calls them into a private dining hall for them to 'talk' about the plans are. The conversation is priceless so it's worth parphrasing it out.

[Scene opens: Perrin has just walked into the room and closes the door, Loiel sits on the ground, Zareen sits on a chair in the back, Lan stands near the mantle watching all.]

Morainne: Perrin, sit down we need to talk.
Perrin: Um what is this all about.
Zareen: What the fuck did you drag us all into here for?
Lan: Shut the fuck up both of you.
Morainne: [Icy gaze silences Perrin and Zareen] There is a forsaken in Tyr, Belal is Lord Sammal. Loiel what do you know about Belal, short answer only.
Zareen: He's a fucking ogier what the hell does he know about Belal
Morainne: [Icy glare to Zarren, Zareen goes to look at the ceiling at how nice it is] Ogier know more about what's happend in the last 3000 years than humans ever will.
Loiel: Oh boy, Forsaken here in Tyr, shit fuck shit fuck shit! I coulda stayed at home and married someone mom told me to! Fuck forsake! Fuck fuck fuck!
Morainne: You going to help us furball or not?
Loiel: [Ears folded into hair] Sure, I know very lil about him, he's Netcatcher or soultaker, fuck the forsaken!
Morainne: Netcatcher huh? Never heard of that before. Ok here's the plan, I will assault Tyr and find out what is going on, the rest of you look busy and stay out of trouble.
Perrin: Look....Busy..?? [Long sentance has baffled his lil brain]
Zareen: We are supposed to fucking just sit here and not do shit?
Lan: No fool girl. You are supposed to sit here, me and Morainne are going to scout out, and don't try to stop me Morainne. Now if you will excuse me, I have to do recon. [Lan leaves]
Loiel: Shit fuck shit! The forsaken [weeping occurs]
Perrin: For..saken? [He sits down]
Morainne: That is all, I must be off. [She leaves]
Zareen: Fucking bitch better fucking watch herself before I knife her. [Morainne looks at her cooly, Zareen looks at that interesting window that she's just discovered]

So Perrin in order to keep himself busy goes down to the blacksmith across the street, straps on a red and white apron and begins to do work while Zareen watches him like a hawk. Days go by...