WoT: PbP VIII Update 1

As we last left the Whore of Tar Vallon, Egwene was stepping into the last archway to her DOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!! All of sudden she is whisked away to some land and she is the new Amarylin Seat! Hot diggity! Not only is she now in charge of all the men, she's a Green ajah it appears, she's now in charge of all the women! So her first act that we see her do is sit down to court, and guess who she has to judge, that's right sportsfans, it's Rand, like you couldn't have guessed that. Elaida is shouting for him to be neutered or spayed or is that gentled, gotta be gentled as home slice doesn't have a pair on him.

So as cries for Egwene to sentence him ring out through the hall, Egwene refuses and she is attacked by her keeper and drug away. She awakens to find herself on a wooden table, naked, again for the upteenth time this day. I severly want to be in this world. The women run around naked 80% of the time and are dumber than a box of rocks, Win/Win I say. There are 13 Black Aes Sedai around her, some Half-Men, and she knows they are trying to turn off her connection to the one power. Honestly, if I was there and this hot ass woman was spread eagle on a table naked and unconcious and I was EVIL taking away the One True Power is the LAST thing on my mind, time to get my Swerve On! She screams, they look back at her, battle tactician that she is, channels the Myrdraal on fire and then escapes by having a cave-in on the door after getting out of it.

She runs back to her room, grabs some garb, finds out that they are gonna castrate Rand and she zooms off to save him. She sees him chained and they are sentancing him to death by gentling and before she can act she sees the Silver Arch appear and screaming/sobbing/blushing (sure why not add that) she plunges through it.

Back in the White Tower she has passed her test, she becomes Accepted and then is shipped off back to her room to read her notes but not before she suspects everyone of taking her stuff and flipping through it. No doubt, Elaida the Red was sniffing her panties and putting them on her head shouting "MMMMM COUNTRY FRESH SCENT!" before finishing the ceremony. Appears that there was a glitch in the Matrix, I mean, arches as something coulda happened to kill Egwene, could it have been that cockring? Unknown! But Egwene blushes anyway.

She travels to Nynaeves chamber and she sees Elayne bawling her eyes out with Nynaeve petting her shoulder saying "Good girl, no cookie" and then she turns to Egwene, and like fucking clockwork, the floodgates open and she starts sobbing like fucking Mount St. Helens had just erupted and Nynaeve has 2 sobbing women on her skirts while she consoles him while they talk about killing Rand, marrying Rand, having babies with Rand, driving Rand insane, doing a Three-some with Rand and a donkey, and various other acts.

I have come to the conclusion by now that the women in this story have what I will call the 3 Phases of Robert Jordan's Women. These are the 3 possible states/mood/phases that women are always in in this book at one time or another.

1. Weeping: They cry, over something, over spilled milk, over a fucking splinter, over seeing Rand do a backflip. Pick something, instant tearbath.

2. Blushing: They blush, they blush when a man's name is mentioned, they blush when they read a book, they blush when they see the sun come up and then turn beat fucking red when the moon rises.

3. Pissed the fuck off: They are mad, mad at life, mad at the cow that just shit in their path, mad that the hem of their dress is cut, made that Rand still hasn't popped their cherry, pick something.

Another corrollary is the 3 Phase Shift which indicates that a woman can be 2 of the 3 phases but not all 3 at once.

Example: Nynaeve tries to come up to Lan and tell him that she wants his manbabbies right then and there and to mount her like he does the horse and ride her like the wind. When he stares at her and tells her "I do not wish to give you a funeral shrowd as a wedding present." she goes through phase 2 and 3 but will not enact 1 until she is alone.

These principles have held true througout these 3 books and for the life of me I highly doubt they will change. I think RJ's wife was going through menopause and everytime he got shit, these women just decided to randomly to a Phase Shift and there we have it. Now back to the story.


Matt wakes up and decides it's time to get his game on, so he ices his ass out, throws the bling in the grill, and saunters down where his guard homies are. I keep picturing Vanilla Ice going up to a group of Compton thugs and saying "What's up dawg" everytime I see him talk to people. The guards tell him "That's nice boy, get your ass on outta here as you ain't getting into the city." Seeing as how his game has been dealt a blow he throws down some gangsigns with a "2 RiVa Soldah!" and stalks off to find some bitches, cause he's got a pocket full of rubbers and his homeboys do too (ooh ah ooh ah!).

He sees some girl he met back in book 1, a farm girl named Dell (so unworthy of any Sub-character status) and says "What's up my sweet ivory princess, you wanna have some chocolate in that cup o'milk?" she gives him the eye of "Is he really black or just fucking stupid?" and tells him to step on off. Matt gives her the "'s all good woman! all good!" and goes over to the practice field to see Gawyn and Galad sparring with a Warder teacher. He sits down sees all the hot women gawking over Galad and mumbles "Shit, if them bitches don't know what they be missin' over HEREAH!" and he breaks out some rocks and starts juggling them while practicing his new beat pattern. Gawyn and Galad see him when they break and come over and say hi. They ask him how he is with the sword and he responds "Shit, you don't see this nigga breakin' out with that shiny shit? Fuck that! I got me a fucking BIG STAFF that fucks shit up! Ya dig?!" and he grins. They obviously think he's talking about a quaterstaff here, and it appears that they think that he thinks that he's got the galls to say they don't know what they are doing with the sword.

CONT...