WoT:PbP V

fucking road construction sucks for me, good for all 3 of my readers ,mom and dad I love you but it's ok you don't have to read, honest.

We left off with Perrin stomping off to meet Rand in a glade in the middle of some forest in god knows where doing god knows what. He's standing amongst the trees mumbling stuff about "99 bottle of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer, take one down set it on fire, strap Aes Sedai to carts and flog them with a tire iron..." Perrin asks if everything is OK with Rand, and Rand responds "Yup, everythig is hunky dorey! Watch this!" and then the mountain goes all topsy turvey like an earthquake is happening. Perrin falls on his ass and Rand stands there in a trance surfing the shockwaves like he's hanging 10 in Hawaii. Perrin, of course, can't get too mad at Rand, calls him a fool and moves to see Moiranne.

Perrin finds them in a hut, she's busy with the tinker woman and still can't be disturbed. I am sure Lan is on this action as no doubt a Tinker is hella easier to break off a piece from than Nynaeve. So Perrin sits with Min and Min gives him the "I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" and "Why does Rand doesn't Rand love me?! I should leave him!" schpeal and Perrin says "Um ok, but you can so why don't you go?" Of course this is like talking to a white trash housewife with 4 kids, living in a trailer, and the hubby asks "You'll love me more everytime I beat you" and seeing if she goes. And as always Min cannot leave Rand, on no, she LUUUUVVVSSS him. Why? Who the fuck knows. Somehow in the last few hundred pages of the last 2 books Min has gone all mushy for him because she Sees Dead People. Yeah, ok. RJ secretly wishes he was Rand or maybe since his wife edits his books perhaps he's hinting at something for her to maybe bring in her sister who makes the purple dresses that look so good with his sequin pumps? Dunno.

Perrin, goes to bed, dreams of wolves and swords and get's all uppity about it. He believes that talking to wolves is a bad thing. Correct me if I am wrong but if you can control packs of wolves as big as small ponies who would die for you you wouldn't want that power??? He awakens to hear the cry of Lan shouting "Trollocks in the Camp!" and with Perrin's ears being what they are hears him mumble "And I was JUST about to get mine too!" Battle ensues Perrin rushes out in his nightie and starts hacking apart Trollocks and in the midst he starts communicating with the wolves that come in and rip the critters to bits. Perrin charges upto Moirannes cabin to save the Tinker woman and out comes a Fade/Half-man/Neverborn {Please give me more names to confuse myself!} The Tinker woman rushes out the cabin to save Perrin. Right, a barely clothed woman, tries to get in the midst of a one on one duel with some mega bad guy and another guy that looks like Conan with an axe to help him. Of course the enevitable happens, like you couldn't see this coming, and the Fade says "Bitch check yourself!" and lobs off her head. This causes Perrin/Young Bull/Kevin Costner to fly into a wolven fury (I made teh funney!) and tears the Fade a new asshole. He then charges down the hill to fuck shit the fuck up! Go Perrin! Be one with the wolves oh Bull Who Fucks Shit Up! Of course this being a true title in true wolven/RJ fashion I can't say that. It's Bull Who Storms Down Hills Through Trees Across Moonlit Water in the Dead of Night with Scent of Pine Cones Through Strong Winter Breeze Amongst the Rushes of Rivers Flowing From Mountains Freshly Melted by Snow from Winter Sun Gleaming Upon High. There we go, much better. Tor get that contract ready!

After the battle, Perrin goes to find Rand. He finds him in the same place he left him earlier, mumbling out loud "Don't touch my Swingling stapler, I'll set the building on fire, I'll burn them all" and all around Rand is burning trees. Rand whines that he wanted to help but couldn't control THE ONE P0Wr! and set everything else on fire instead. Perrin calls him a little bitch and tells him to do what he's gotta do and Rand starts talking about "Blood, Blood, Blood for the Blood God!" and in storms Moiranne and Lan who sees Rand bleeding, somehow they see it while Rand is wearing a Blood Red velvet coat they spot him bleeding, and Moiranne heals him, faints and Rand passes out.

Perrin wanders back, swearing that he will never ever be Young Bull who Dances with Wolves again, and sees Min. Min warns him about meeting a beautiful woman, and Perrins dim witted mind jumps to the conclusion (shock!) that she wants to geterdone doggy style! He tells her that "Um, baby, I um, like, um, what I mean to say, is um sister like love, stuff ya know, ummerrr um..." Min of course responds "Moron! I love Rand, not you! Stop thinking with your dick!" and storms off. This of course leads to many hours of blushing, shirking, and weeping by Perrin, sobbing "If only Rand told me his secret with Women, If ONLY I KNEW!" and goes back to his cabin to put the spiked doggy collar on and suck his thumb.

In the morning Perrin wakes up, swearing furiously that he won't be the doggy again, and goes to see Moiranne. Loiel is there with Lan. They found a note by Rand:


Dear Devoted Disciples of Me,
I had to go away now because noone would let me set stuff on fire, and everyone is cramping my style. So since
I can't get any action alone here, I've decided to go off on my own, and not tell you where I am going.
Duty is like a diaper, it's full of shit, but I gotta wear it.


Hugs and Smoochies,
Rand "The Dragon Reborn XP" Al' Thor



This sets the Aes Sedai into a tizzy. She of course was looking for a lil morning action from the Tinker and her Toys but she's dead and Lan's gone all longing for Nynaeve. They make plans to ride out and hunt down Rand but inspiration occurs "Let's divide forces!" she says. She ships off Min to Tar Vallon to talk to the Head Bitch In Charge, Uno (maybe make him sub-character later) a Shainaran off to some corner of the fucking planet that is barely mentioned to see if Rand goes there, and then the rest will hunt down Rand. They gather their shit and begin the trek of The Great Hunt of the Dragon Reborn! Didn't he just use that title?