WoT:PbP XI

Listened more over the weekend, too damn exhausted to write it all up, hope I got it all as work is sucking ass today.

We return back to Perrin, Lan, Morainne, and Loiel journeying though the tracks and paths of Rand's chaotic wake. Everywhere he goes either the village is blessed by strong rains, water, good crops or cursed with fires, plagues, and ugly women. Some towns say they have seen Rand others have not, appears he's been busy playing the flute wherever he goes to earn his meal if he does stop and eat.

They manage to stop at one village that has a captured Aielman, kids are tossing rocks at him while he is locked away in a 4' x 4' cage off the ground. Perrin frowns at that as he thinks noone should be caged like an animal, and here we thought he hates the wolven side to him? They book rooms in an inn called the Staggering Virgin or something with the innkeeper groveling and asskissing the whole way. It relates that two brave seekers of the Horn of Valere fought 20 aielmen and captured one of them. One of them stumps downstairs, bitches for the nurse, and tells his tale of kicking a whole shitload of Aiel ass. They go off to their rooms and settle in for the night. Before Perrin goes up the stairs he sees a strangely exotic Mideast woman with a big nose but deep brown eyes, and [insert full page long length of garb of woman] this causes Perrin to wonder if she's looking at him or wants to kill him. Weeeee common sense escapes all major characters!

Perrin can't sleep, in fact he's been thinking of what to do since noon that day on how to 'fix' the problems. Appears that he really is as dumb as he tries not to let on, as he can't figure out how to solve a simple "Man in box, man go out of box!" solution. So he finally gets up, grabs his axe and marches out to the square where the Aiel is. He goes to the post and lowers the cage down to the ground telling him that he is free to go. The Aiel looks at him telling him his name is Gaul of Clan Ghost Bear of squadron Alpha Omni..Wait that's Battletech sorry...and tells him that he thanks him for letting him out and his water and wives are his. Of course Perrin's never had pussy since pussy had him so he blushes, probably a deep fucking scalding fiery red, and then we see a dozen White Cloak Klansman shout "The Aiel is free!"

Now for all 6 of you that have read this from the beginning or so, we know Perrin has a hate on for the Klan, we've seen it a dozen times, in fact whenever there is killing of White Cloaks to be done Perrin is there. How very odd that this is the only time that it really occurs, or maybe piss poor planning, who knows, anyway the White Cloaks have a deathwish, as the Aiel tells Perrin "Today is a good day to die!" and goes Ninjamode style pulling on his veil. He pulls some Jet Li moves and people start dropping, I guess the White Cloaks are speedy as they are on Perrin too. He growls a ferrule growl and slices into them hating the axe the entire time it is dishing out heapings of death. Why does he hate the axe? Shit, it's keeping his sorry ass alive! I'd be happy I got that thing. Within the span of a minute or 2 all the White Cloaks are dead and the Aiel tears off promising Perrin 77 virgins upon reaching Nirvana if he ever sees him again. Great, Islamic Ninja Desert Warriors....

Perrin sees the dead people and runs to the Inn and Lan catches him and calls him a fucking moron and to go get their horses they are leaving, he calls him "boy" allot, kids will be kids with sharp sticks I say. He yells at Loiel to getup they are leaving and they grab their horses and skeedattle! They mount up and find the first boat heading out, called the Snuffy Owl or Snowy Fuzzbucket I forget, captain by Captain ShivermeBritches (does it ever fucking matter what the hell their names are? Too many==confusion?!? Ever thought of that there RJ?!!?) and right as they are about to leave a strange figure sprints onto the dock and leaps aboard, she says she wants to book passage and pays the Capt. his fare, why it's the woman from the Battered Houswife Inn! Holy Plot Conversion Batman! Morraine and Lan go downstairs and Perrin is left alone with the woman on deck, god only knows what's going through his mind wondering if he ever will touch a Booby! They talk and it turns out that she's a hunter for the horn as well and that she figures where someone goes with an Aes Sedai, a Warder, an Ogier, and a guy with Yellow eyes well mystery and adventure sure will happen to lead to the horn. This rational confuses Perrin as he hasn't had 3 hours to 'work things out' in his head and he grunts. The next conversation is classical idiotry by Perrin:

Perrin: What's your name
Her: Zareen Al Azeery Jalal Al Shaquanda but you can call me Mondarb
Perrin: HAHAHAHA YUO HAVE TEH NAME OF LAN'S HORSE HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Her: !@%!#%^%^!!!! [BLUSH] Well you can call me Zareen
Perrin: HORSEGIRL! HUH HUH HUH!!! I goto bed now, goodnite horsegirl!
Zareen: Well you can call me Zareen then or Faile which means falcon!
Perrin: [walking down the ladder falls and busts his head open] Damn Min warned me about a caged Aiel and a Falcon! [SOB]

Yes folks, Perrin is a moron, as much as we think he's a decent guy, I fully believe that if he were ever alone in the wilderness with a full steak dinner in front of him he'd starve to death.

Perrin goes to his cabin and falls asleep and dreams of a dead wolf called Hopper. Hopper leads him to a room where Baalzeman/Satan is meeting with some servants of his, one of them didn't keep Matt from leaving Tar Vallon so he rips his soul out and tosses it in an infernal blender. MMMM Puree Dark essence! Lanfear comes in and bitches that Satan is taking over her realm. Satan bitchslaps her and tells her that he better not have to remind her again that this is the Great Lord of the Dark 2k4 's [queue evil spooky music] room and that she better remember who she serves! She tells him that she serves the Great Lord of Inky Baddness and then Perrin is back in his body. He wakes up and goes to find Morainne.

He finds her sitting there reading and he tells her about his dreams. She the tells him that some Red Ajah sisters would most likely gentle him rather than find out how he can dreamwalk. Perrin gets all pissy about "Why do you say that when I tell you shit like this!" and she just nods her head like talking to a 4 yr old. He tells her about Zareen and he wonders why she is following him. Morainne says to him "Perrin you fucking moron, did you ever think that she might have the hots for you? You're a strapping studmuffin and some chicks lust for that." Blushing commences, I hope that Perrin's blood flows from his heart to his face causing it to explode like red fireworks. Perrin thanks her and goes back to his bed to jerk off to his Furry Wolf Cooter and dream of bestiality with Zareen.

Perrin is the next coming of Jeffrey Dahlmer...i sense it now.