WoT:PbP XV Book 4 begins

Long overdue update. I had to stop listening to it over the weekend even though I drove a shitload. Sucks being 60 miles from everything in the middle of nowhere. But in the end my dear 3 readers can get a nice long update!

Book 4: Shadow Rising


We start the book off with some nonsense tale about the Dragon Reborn doing bad things to bad people. He'll kill everyone and then eat the rest with a fork and then blow up the world. I really think they are giving Rand waaayyy too much credit as he's good, but sure as shit not that good. I'll wait till he at least pops his cherry before I would even begin to call him newsworthy. But then again these are prophicies and they don't count for shit anyway.

Dain Borhald of the White Klan Cloaks is moving his troops across Andor toward the 2 River's. Apparently it's been some time since this place has 'seen the light'. Yes I know, Jesus is coming, but they want to spread the word quickly. So who do they hook up with? Of course! Ordeth/Paddon Fain. He is now in charge of the delegation to bring the Light to the towns that the original group of Rand, Perrin, Nynaeve, Matt, and Egwene came from. With Dain on a vengence hard-on for Perrin as this is where he came from we learn that he doesn't trust Ordeth as he's already tortured and killed 3 people. Perhaps the son of the guy that got killed when the White Cloaks attacked the Seanchan at the end of book 2. Using deductive reasoning that escapes normal human intellect he blames Perrin because Perrin was there and therefore he killed his dad.

So let's reason this out.

1. Dain's dad led a battle group against Seanchan army.
2. Perrin was in the town of Phalma.
3. Dain's dad died at Phalma.

So if we use Wheel of Time: Logic we deduce that because 1,2, and 3 are true therefore 2 caused 3 to happen. Logical? Hell no! It's all about vengence apparently. Dain suffers emotional pains about hanging innocent people but his thoughts all revolve around Perrin and butchering him in his sleep.

Lil miss Min heads to the White tower dressed not in butch but in a dress. Her hair has grown, she's got a nice body, unfortunately she hates wearing dresses and long hair as that conflicts with her Rainbow Rights ideology and she bitches constantly about it. She goes upto the White Tower requests to see the Amyrlin seat and suprisingly she gets in right away. Along the way she is hussled onward by some idiotic novice who keeps jawing away and right as she gets near the door to go in she holds a 10 minute conversation with Gawyn, Elayne's brother. I timed it, I sat there looking at the display as it clicked onward while her and Gawyn. It's not an important conversation, it's barely relavent to the topic at hand, Gawyn asks where's Elayne and Egwene and Min says "I've got no fucking idea" but she admits he's hot and starts to get all hot and bothered by him. Meanwhile the Amarylin, she's like the pope for god's sake, is sitting there waiting while Gawyn tries to grill Min where the fuck she has been and now that she looks hotter than hell. Finally the door busts open and the Keeper demands Min come in and talk to Suon Sanche, the Amyrlin. Gawyn scampers off cursing he didn't get the digitz but he knows where she is.

Min sees the Amyrlin and gets an earful of "Don't you be prettier than a silverpike flashing a blowfish in the spring rains! YAR!" which causes Min to wonder if her sanity is slipping, that or she wants some more 'hand's on' readings. Min tells Suon what's going on with Rand that he tore off to Tyr and Morainne is following him with Perrin. Suon thinks that's a good idea and an even better idea would be to keep Min here in the tower and ferret out some more information on what is going with Min's viewings. Min has been seeing Dead People (tm) all day as every Aes Sedai she looks is either coated in blood or in chains. Suon needs eyes and ears and says Min's going to be them. Min bitches she wants to go see Rand as she looooovvvessss him , it's a cover, but Suon says "What do you honestly think you can accomplish going to see him besides getting in his way?" and she agrees with her. Suon tells her she will go by her full name of El'Mindra, some hero who probably saved 1000 people but really butchered villages and ate babies alive, and keep dressing like a woman. Min is about to blow a gasket but Suon gives her the stare down and Min humbly agrees.

Back at the Stone of Tyr, Perrin is trying to settle down for the night. Faile is throwing a tirade about wanting to leave the Stone because Rand might flip out and kill everyone. Perrin tells her that she's being an idiot as Rand wouldn't do that. She starts pouting and Perrin gives her a hug and cops a feel, seems like Perrin has a gf! Holy shit! While Perrin's tryint to plant one on her Faile screams and Perrin whirls to see his axe coming at his head! He dodges it and pushes Faile out of the way, but the axe comes back around at him! He wrestles with it in one hand and forces Faile kicking and screaming out the door to their room. Once it's locked and barred he manuevers the axe to grind right into the door, tricky guy! He opens the door to see Failes face a cunt's hair's length away from the axe blade sticking out the door. They agree that Rand did this as it's part of him going mad, yeah, it's not that anyone is out to kill them as they just killed a Forsaken and captured some Black ajah, nahh that's got nothing at all to do with it!

Matt's turn. He's gambling, got his game of cards going on, his oponents, rich snobby lords and sons of lords of Tyr. He's taking all their money, he knows it, his luck is going apeshit here cards are going his way all nite, he knows it. The rest of the boys around the table are getting sloppy drunk and when Matt is dealt his last card he feels a pinprick on his hand. He looks down and see the Amarylin card has cut his hand. All of a sudden all the cards are growing out into human size with their swords and knives trying to stab him! Matt throws the cards into the air and using his throwing knives staples the cards to the wall. The images fade away but Matt finds himself lying on his back with all the cards speared and the lords looking at him as if he is insane. He gets up, grabs his loot and storms off as this is all Rand's fault for going insane. Logic 101 courses begin in 10...9...8...

Rand's turn. He's sitting in his rooms relaxing, mumbling over and over in his sleep that he is the prettiest princess in the land and that he will burn it all down, with fire, till they're dead! He wakes up to see the First of Mayan there. Picture Jessica Alba with seethrough clothes on. She tries to come up to Rand and more or less tells him that she wants him to fuck her brains out, but of course he being a 2 Rivers' boy, blushes and furiously will not take some free and easy poontang pie. AS she's about to rip open his pants and deepthroat his dragonspear, she screams and points behind him, all the mirrors in the room are growing images of Rand and stepping out of them. Holy duplicate of Conan batman! Rand conjures his sword, and the duplicates conjure swords of fire too. He breaks all the mirrors and locks the First in a cage of Air out of the way. Seems women are only useful at getting in the way as of late. Rand fights furiously with them wounding them all but they keep coming on. He puts his hand on the table near his bed which gets turned into feather puree rather quickly and is stabbed by a mini-Rand. He picks it up and absorbs it into him! He drops his sword and the others drop theirs and tackle him. He's taking a furious asskicking of epic proportion but he summons the Force and pulls the dupes into him. He rises, coated in blood from hundreds of cuts by glass, releases the First, she begs forgiveness for being so rude and gets down on hands and knees. Now if it were me, It'd be the perfect time for a blowjob, you just got done kicking some ass, your beatup, shit call in some dinner and a bj and it's a good nite! Nope he sends her off telling her to leave him the fuck alone and she runs away scared shitless.

Perrin comes stomping up to the door to Rand's room, tells Faile maybe he should talk to Rand alone and she agrees, she runs off as he gets to open the door. He sees the first come bolting out of there like a bat out of hell, he sees Rand all cut up mumbling stuff about "Burn it all, take my red stapler, bastards, 9941 toothpicks..." and Perrin screams for the Aiel to get Morainne. He questions Rand about what is going on and he says that he saw many of him and he killed them all. Morainne comes in and heals Rand and he screams as the glass comes out of him and his bleeding has stopped. He passes out and Perrin and Morainne leave as Rand becomes oblivious to all those who came to help him out as the whole room is full of glass shards.

Sorry this took so long, works sucking the life out of me.