WoT:PbP XVIII

This one will be short, maybe, I didn't get a chance to listen to it as much as I wanted to as bitches had to keep calling me and racking up my cell phone bill that much more! That and there was no way I was gonna listen to this thing @ 10pm driving home, it would've sent me off one of the bridges into the Gulf!

So we are back to Matt's quest to get the fuck outta Dodge City but everytime he leaves he keeps getting sucked back in (think the scene from Godfather III here). He goes down to explore that door that Egwene talked about and didn't see squat, saw himself one of those girls with a phat booty and decided he need to 'break me off a piece o'dat!' and hussled away to get him some gin n' juice.

We soon find out that Elayne and Rand have been keeping quiet kissyface time whenever they got a spare amount of time, she's making him into a better ruler and telling him "Now remember Rand you can't butcher the villagers and burn them all down because they may have taken your stapler!" and generally making herself quite useful to him as he mutters along about "Power, Fajita I will you!, no you are not my Father!" His brain goes to mush as days pass and knowing that Elayne is leaving and that he'll have to do something when she's gone. How about take her into the room and show her your Dragon of Power there wonder boy?

Rand wanders back from a meeting with the lords of Tyr, threatening to hang them in pairs if they don't obey his commands, he's teetering on the deep end of Stalinistic power here, if he mentions the Gulag, I'll get ecstatic! He moves to the window to look over the hot and nasty city of Tyr, I'm thinking it's like New Orleans in the summertime, when he hears a voice telling him "Hello there hotstuff!" He whirls to see it's Lanf...I mean Selene and she's looking at him all lustfully telling him "Now you are MINE! Now and FOREVER!" Rand gives her his typical "Hi there Selene! We were friends, good friends, happy friends, 851 cherry blossoms go on that tree in the window, what do you mean you want me forever and stop calling me Leroy! I'm Rand!" "No Lews Therrin Tellephone you are mine now and forever! Don't you remember me! You loved me before you loved those other whores!" and she changes into her other form to a hotter MILF, I'm thinking of Wifey here, "I AM LANFEAR!" "Nahhh you can't be her, why would you say that? I like to eat drywall." Rand retorts to her remarks. Then she strikes him with the True Power and he realizes "Damn, the bitch really is Lanfear!" (see, anyone with half a fucking skull cap knew this already a book and a half ago, forgive him, he apparently lacks all common sense) So when he tries to get to his Magic Swod Callendor +5 Kinslaying UberWeapon of FIRE! he is blocked, she means business! Moving closer to him she tries to turn him to the Dark Side by promising him power, riches, the world, a bj that would cause his head to pop like a melon, but he adamantly refuses like that damn vulture on Bugs Bunny "Nope, nope, nope, nope, doohhhhh nope, nope, nuhuh, nope!" At that very moment a hand appears through the doorway with a knife just as Lanfear was about to cop a feel! Rand summons a sword, shoving Lanfear aside and lobs off the guys hand and stabs him WITH A TRIDENT! (bad Anchorman reference) in his heart. He wonders how anyone can get through his legion of trained Ninja assassin Pipe Hittin' Nigga Badass' when Lanfear says "You don't have to go out there, you can stay here and we can make whoppy and you can have TEH ULTIMAT POWR!!!11!!11eleven!" but he decides to go out and get killed with his new flaming magical sword he conjured up. He opens the door and see bodies and the sounds of battle!

Trollocs and Fades are killing Aiel and Guradians of the Stone. Hacking those mutherfuckers apart is more like it, but Rand calls out to the Fade giving him the typical "COME GETSUM MUTHAFUCKA!" and the Fade happily slinks over to him and Rand lobs his sissy lil head off. He calls out "The Stone must not FALL!" and the men rally around him and stab the rest of the Trollocs as they are now uncontrolled by the death of the Fade. He shouts "Rally to me! More to kill! BLOOD FOR THE BLOODGOD! Skulls for the Throne of Khorne!" (maybe the last bit is an improv) and the men charge up behind him and stalk off for more killing! Exciting!

The groups of men are joined by Aiel, some stay, some die, others go off their own way as Rand storms around the Stone of Tyr killing everything in his path. He looks over a balcony and sees Moiranne and Lan fighting off wave after wave of Trollocs, when Rand turns and see Trollocs busting through a door aside him! He whirls and does his Flipper Sliding through Porthole combined into Tree Snake Slithers along Sally on one of them and crashed into the second as he slips on blood. Another Trolloc comes to cleave him in two but a great big hole appears where it's head would be as a third Trolloc kills the one about to kill Rand! "Ironic, don't you think?" as Rand sets the last one on fire and then spots Lanfear looking like a humble lil maid. Again she promises him "Power unimaginable!" but he decides to pin her to the wall with Saidin and laughs at her, but then he is throw back and nearly chokes to death as she undoes his work on her and moves toward him "Stupid boy! I know more in my pinky than in your whole body!" Is Rand screwed? Will he be raped by this hot Wifey look alike? Will he finally lose his cherry or be sodomized by some Trollorc gangbang session??!?!? Stay tuned!