Wheel of Time: Book by Book

WoT:PBP XX

2005-06-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

I had planned to do a massive update over the weekend. I had a 3hr drive down south to pick up some porno tapes I was editing for this one chick, but sadly the MP3 deck I was using decided to run out of batteries so all I heard at one point was "Faile turned and faced Beralain and " and that was that halfway there. I was forced to listen to the radio till I bought some batteries today and used it that way. This is just another reason why I need to put in my damn head unit in the car instead of fucking around with a tape/cd combo deal!

Let's see...what was the last thing that happened to our merry band of fucktards. Oh here we go, it's all coming back to me in an epiphany of creative writing goodness!

Perrin, whom after fighting stuff, killing lots of Trollocs and other stuff is packing to go away from Rand and head back to the 2 Rivers. Why? Well he thinks that the only way to stop the White Cloaks and their rampage through the area is to go there and offer himself up as a sacrifice to die. Not to fight them or drive them off the land or slaughter them with brilliant tactical subterfuge, no damn no! He plans to go there and offer himself up as the proverbial lamb to the slaughter, home boy has a Jesus complex. Just as he's about to pack his furry wolf outfit away for a nice session of yiffing Baralain, the first of Mayan and a total cock tease, tries to tell Perrin how brave he was and that she really needs him to come back to Mayan and 'put some hard iron in her bedroom' He tries to shrug her off and keeps packing and tell her "Go get yer own damn blacksmith to pound out some iron elsewhere!" when Faile walks in as Baralain was playing with Perrin's hair. At this point Baralain whispers "You ass is mine boy." and fluffs out the door. Faile pulls out a dagger and prepares to carve out Perrin's heart when she asks Perrin what he is doing.

"I'm going home to the 2 Rivers, and you aren't going"
"So when do we leave?"
"In the morning and you can't come"
"Which boat are we going on?"

it goes back and forth and then Perrin says "You shoulda seen it earlier when I had Baralain under the sheets toying with the Happy Thunder Rod!" Faile throws a knife at Perrin and leaves and then Perrin gets all weepy he was mean to his gf as "I didn't want her to come, she would see me die!"

Now I'm going to stop for a second here and comment. If I had someone whom I cared for a great deal, loved, wanted her with me, and she was tough as nails, why the fuck would I kick her aside? Yes I know, male pride and all, but look at it this way. You've got someone whom can watch your back, she is fully well versed in killing any mutherfucker that messes with you, and she's fun as hell in bed! These are winning combo's here in the medieval stages that who wouldn't want them on their side??? If I had these problems I'd be saying "Saddle up honey, we are heading on out to kick some ass, make sure you got your shit packed." and if I was in one of Robert Jordan's books she'd be all flushing and blushing and then pulling hair and then call me Master as she does what I say as women here have no spine.

So Faile runs out and confront Baralain in the hall, she breaks out a dagger and says "Stay away from my MAN Bitch!" and the First takes the knife away backhands her and flips her over her shoulder. This doesn't sit well for Perrin's Babies momma, so she attacks her with another dagger before Rhuarc steps in ninja like. He takes the daggers, tells both of them that they need to get their shit straight, go the fuck to their rooms before he's gonna break himself off a piece. Baralain protests but he reminds her if they need to have a talk again, she runs away. Faile laughs, asks for her daggers back, Rhuarc bitch slaps her and says "You played with toys, now you can't have them" Faile sulks and asks about the 'talk'? Baralain was a bad girl when she got there and he made her shovel shit as a reminder that she can't break the rules that Rhuarc puts in place, and that if you disobey the rules you gotta pay the price, and he tells Faile to get the fuck out of his sight.

Matt, scurvy lil bastard, decides to tempt fate and go through the door that people ask 3 questions on. He's all decked out in his bling to a T after sassing up one of the kitchen maids for a bit, but it was dark and really she was rather rough on him and had an adam's apple to boot but it's neither here nor there. He steps through the doorway and lands in a large spiraled room with a snakey man who hiss out "So they have come again, so it as it was supposed to prophecized that all those.." "I'm here to get my questions answered, shut the fuck up and take me there before I stab you" "Ok! But do not bring the light in here or the pretty music my precious" We can see Matt is still sore after the rubdown he had earlier and wondered why he felt bristly hair on her while she was down on him "Could be me, I didn't shave today. Damn." he ponders while walking aimlessly after the guide. They reach a chamber with 3 of those hissing people and as they have an epileptic seizure shouting "Ask the questions!" Matt shrugs and says "Should I go save my family" All 3 shout out "Go to Rumidon!"

This wasn't the answer Matt wanted and he says "Why the fuck should I go there? What the fuck is that place! Answer my fucking questions" one of the veins on the hissing people's heads explodes while answering his question babbling and Matt presses on, forgetting the rest of his 3 questions which I was praying was gonna be fore more loot or poontang, inquiring "There ain't shit there! It's in the wastes! Are you fucking serious?!?!?" as his guide appears tugging on his coat sleeve. Suddenly all three of the speakers shake, rattle, and roll and gurgle out "TRICKSTER, GAMBLER, DO NOT DENY THE THREADS OF FATE! GOTO RUMIDON! THE STRAIN!!!' as Matt is lifted out of the room and tossed out through the doorway. This angers him greatly and he charges back through the Ter'An'Greal trying to get back there to answer his questions "Fuck Rumidon! Mutherfucking tricking ass fucktards!" as he hurtles through the door...and lands on the other side of the wall going straight through the door as if nothing was there. So he tries the other side and nearly smashes a barrel with his lamp there. Then a foot comes through the doorway. It's Rand!

Rand steps through with FireSword (tm) in hand. He spots Matt and says "Oh you were in there too? Did you get any answers?" "Fuck no, those snakeskin fags didn't tell me nuttin'!" he rants on as he breaks out the rolling papers for a phatty, "What 'bout you?" as Rand smiles, another foot comes through and it's Morainne! She stares at them all with that "I hate men, but since none are around you 2 will work!" look and then huskily asks them with her he best Estrogen enhanced voice "So you both were in there! No wonder the place erupted! Fools! You should no better than to mess with stuff you do not know! How did you find this device?" Rand looks at Matt "In a book, titled 'Shit the Aes Sedai don't want you to know about Vol 8'" and he gives Matt a high five and asks for a toke on the happy herb. Morainne shifts to Matt as he puffs out "Book..yes..stuff...reading.... Did you get answers in there?" She haughtily looks at him before giving him some vague "I may have, perhaps, could've, did you?" reply. "Didn't understand jack shit in there, what about you Rand." "I now know what I must do, to become The One." as he points out the shape of Jesus in the pot smoke and then leaves the room flame in hand. Morainne storms off after him while Matt shakes his head and thinks about some lil honey who need to have his Love Boat flow up her 2 Rivers.

Egwene, Elayne and Nynaeve are packing for Tanchico when the door is kicked open and Lan barges in. He demands to know why Nynaeve is going to Tanchico! By this tone we gather that Tanchico is like Compton and Nynave being a honkey from the farm will get gangraped faster than a Islamic prisoner at Abu Garhib. Nynaeve waves her hand to dismiss him as she pulls a "I never said where I was going, you only ASSUMED, stupid man." and then Lan is on her smothering her with kisses, and lovey dovey happy things, I guess all that time alone with the horses is getting him kinda ansy as Morainne keeps telling him to put it in her browneye and doesn't kiss him afterwards. Nynaeve struggles but she likes it rough, as he confesses his undying love for her and the women all coo at this as he leaves telling her "You had me at hello..." and then vanishes. How romantic, I think I'll smash my face into the cube wall for 10min now.

Sorry for the long delay...editing porn is harder than it sounds...

WoTPBP XIX

2005-06-10T08:03:00.000-05:00

As last we left poor Rand in the midst of getting his ass handed to him by LanFear and some Trollocs, LanFear blabs on for a few minutes that Rand forgot all about his precious Callendor and that since he left it there some of the other Forsaken might be willing to take it from him, she then lets him go, again for the umpteenth time telling him that he will be hers, now and forever, lovey dovey peach bunnies in a barrel, and laughs as Rand gives a "OH SHIT!" look and darts off to get his magic SWORD!

Rand flees from a laughing Lanfear and she vanishes farther into the Stone as Rand ignores soliders, Trollocs, Aiel all fighting but Rand flies past them all trying to get at his magic Crystal Sword of PWR +12! He kicks the door open and he sees his pretty precious sitting right there for him to take with him. He rushes over it to cooing "Yes, they take you, my pretty red sword, precious, sweetling." while petting it over and over again. He hefts it high and we get a backdrop of the castle of Grayskull while he shouts out for Mum-ra to check himself before he wrecks himself while drawing in a shitload of the Midichlorians to kick some whoopass with.

A Fade walks into the room where Rand is, Rand turns slowly, the Fade gets the "Oh fuck" look on it's pale eyeless face, it's wearing black trousers by Jean Paul, a black tunic made by Armani, and those sexy lil gloves by OJ. Rand says "TIME TO DIE SUCKAH!" and blasts him to atoms with Saidin, Rand then proceeds to storm from room to room blasting shit to firebased atoms but finally stops and thinks "I must do this faster, yes faster, definately, definately." and conjures up a lightning storm somehow. Moiranne walks in on him with Lan in toe and sees Rand doing this and before she can stop him he unleashes hell upon the enemy there. Lighting courses throughout room to room obliterating Trollocs and Fades like they were made of nothing. They catch on fire and we hear Rand chortling, "burn it all down, burn the building, I'll burn it all!" when he spies a dead girl on the ground.

He decides that after he's incerated hundreds of enemies he's not done enough and plays Jesus and tries to bring the girl back to life. Moiranne calls him a fucking idiot and that he can't play God, but Rand holds up the sword Callandor and says "WATCH ME!" and gets her heart beating, her limbs moving, and her chest rising, but her eyes show her soul is gone. He gives a Darth Vader "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and let's her die on the ground, again. He then cries. Boohoo. Moiranne asks "What are you gonna do now?" and Rand mumbles "I will explain all on the morrow, yessssss..." and stumbles off to his room to pass out.

Flipping sideways over to Nynaeve, Egwene, Aviendha, and Elayne we see that after the battle Egwene wants to goto Tel'An'Rihod (fucking a what is with these names!??!!) the Dream World. They figure that they can go see what the Black Ajah are upto as they jack into the Matrix and leap on over to Tanchico to check it out. Egwene passes out without the ring so she can test her powers and not rely on the ring to help her out. She appears in a museum with an elephant skeleton, only they don't call it an elephant but whatever, and she decides to try on new clothes like a barbie doll. She goes form wearing red bondage garb stacked with leather boots, a riding crop, and a devil tail to bare ass naked and then to some sort of MC Hammer type pants and getup. We hear all in gushing detail the quality, texture, sparkly jewels, and other inane fashion statements about her clothes until she settles on something. She goes out exploring, walking, running into people and then she wonders about how the wise ones do the dream walking.

Next thing we see is she's in the Aiel wastes and some woman with a spear is going to stab a boar and Egwene flips out and runs away yelling at herself to concentrate and not be stupid. I kept saying the same damn thing. Wandering around the city, she sees more stuff, even though she's in a dream world and can do ANYTHING she walks, and then runs and guess what she thinks of? Yup back to the wastes we go!

Chiding herself as the boar rushes her and she screams and flails on the ground having a seizure praying she won't die, the lady with the spear says "You shouldn't be wearing that garb!" and then Egwene is naked! Egwene then puts on some other clothes magically, tells her "I mean you no harm!" and flees back to Tanchico.

Looking up in the Matrix she says "Woah!" as birds fly around and she thinks, "If they can do it so can I!" and she flies around like Peter fucking Pan looking for the Black Ajah. She's pulled to earth by some strange force and when she lands she sees the woman with the spear, only she doesn't have the spear but a pissed off look in her face. The woman, known as Amys (don't quote me on this one, I gotta recheck that) yells at her for being a fucking dumbass for flying like an idiot and telporting around and what the fuck is she doing here anyway and what the fuck is her fucking name! Clearly the Aiel woman is pissed and not going to take the hair pulling, blushing, stupid eyed shit from anyone. I like her! Egwene begins to confess everything, gushes is out like a fountain, remind me never to clue her in on anything, her whole mission, her life story, even that she sleeps with a Pikachu doll at night. Amys then tells her she doesn't know what the fuck she is doing and she needs to come up to the Cold Ass Sept where she is staying and learn before she kills herself. Then Egwene feels herself pulled back out of the Matrix by Elayne smacking her across the face Rick Flair style (WHOOOOO!) yelling at her "we didn't know if you were going to wake up we were so scared! " They cuddle and hold each other for a moment, and Egwene relates all the things that went down. Egwene tells them that she's going to go for this training and that the other girls can go on without her when Moiranne opens the door.

Moiranne informs them that the capitve Black Ajah women are dead and that she's got a message for Aviendha: She is to report to the Wise One's hold in the Aiel Waste ASAP and to STFU and not say anything bad. Aviendha pouts and rants saying "I'm a Warrior Princess! They can't do this to me!" and storms off. Nynaeve informs Moiranne of their plan: Egwene to the North to the waste with Aviendha and Elayne and Nynaeve to Tanchico to search out the Black Ajah that Egwene reported being there and feeling "E V I L!"

>>Rand's bout of trying to raise the dead was priceless. I hope he does it again, sometime soon, and then sets them on fire and flings them around like a battering ram! "FIRE SHIELD THIS ASSHOLE!" Oh to only be a NPC in this book...

WoT:PbP XVIII

2005-06-09T08:01:00.000-05:00

This one will be short, maybe, I didn't get a chance to listen to it as much as I wanted to as bitches had to keep calling me and racking up my cell phone bill that much more! That and there was no way I was gonna listen to this thing @ 10pm driving home, it would've sent me off one of the bridges into the Gulf!

So we are back to Matt's quest to get the fuck outta Dodge City but everytime he leaves he keeps getting sucked back in (think the scene from Godfather III here). He goes down to explore that door that Egwene talked about and didn't see squat, saw himself one of those girls with a phat booty and decided he need to 'break me off a piece o'dat!' and hussled away to get him some gin n' juice.

We soon find out that Elayne and Rand have been keeping quiet kissyface time whenever they got a spare amount of time, she's making him into a better ruler and telling him "Now remember Rand you can't butcher the villagers and burn them all down because they may have taken your stapler!" and generally making herself quite useful to him as he mutters along about "Power, Fajita I will you!, no you are not my Father!" His brain goes to mush as days pass and knowing that Elayne is leaving and that he'll have to do something when she's gone. How about take her into the room and show her your Dragon of Power there wonder boy?

Rand wanders back from a meeting with the lords of Tyr, threatening to hang them in pairs if they don't obey his commands, he's teetering on the deep end of Stalinistic power here, if he mentions the Gulag, I'll get ecstatic! He moves to the window to look over the hot and nasty city of Tyr, I'm thinking it's like New Orleans in the summertime, when he hears a voice telling him "Hello there hotstuff!" He whirls to see it's Lanf...I mean Selene and she's looking at him all lustfully telling him "Now you are MINE! Now and FOREVER!" Rand gives her his typical "Hi there Selene! We were friends, good friends, happy friends, 851 cherry blossoms go on that tree in the window, what do you mean you want me forever and stop calling me Leroy! I'm Rand!" "No Lews Therrin Tellephone you are mine now and forever! Don't you remember me! You loved me before you loved those other whores!" and she changes into her other form to a hotter MILF, I'm thinking of Wifey here, "I AM LANFEAR!" "Nahhh you can't be her, why would you say that? I like to eat drywall." Rand retorts to her remarks. Then she strikes him with the True Power and he realizes "Damn, the bitch really is Lanfear!" (see, anyone with half a fucking skull cap knew this already a book and a half ago, forgive him, he apparently lacks all common sense) So when he tries to get to his Magic Swod Callendor +5 Kinslaying UberWeapon of FIRE! he is blocked, she means business! Moving closer to him she tries to turn him to the Dark Side by promising him power, riches, the world, a bj that would cause his head to pop like a melon, but he adamantly refuses like that damn vulture on Bugs Bunny "Nope, nope, nope, nope, doohhhhh nope, nope, nuhuh, nope!" At that very moment a hand appears through the doorway with a knife just as Lanfear was about to cop a feel! Rand summons a sword, shoving Lanfear aside and lobs off the guys hand and stabs him WITH A TRIDENT! (bad Anchorman reference) in his heart. He wonders how anyone can get through his legion of trained Ninja assassin Pipe Hittin' Nigga Badass' when Lanfear says "You don't have to go out there, you can stay here and we can make whoppy and you can have TEH ULTIMAT POWR!!!11!!11eleven!" but he decides to go out and get killed with his new flaming magical sword he conjured up. He opens the door and see bodies and the sounds of battle!

Trollocs and Fades are killing Aiel and Guradians of the Stone. Hacking those mutherfuckers apart is more like it, but Rand calls out to the Fade giving him the typical "COME GETSUM MUTHAFUCKA!" and the Fade happily slinks over to him and Rand lobs his sissy lil head off. He calls out "The Stone must not FALL!" and the men rally around him and stab the rest of the Trollocs as they are now uncontrolled by the death of the Fade. He shouts "Rally to me! More to kill! BLOOD FOR THE BLOODGOD! Skulls for the Throne of Khorne!" (maybe the last bit is an improv) and the men charge up behind him and stalk off for more killing! Exciting!

The groups of men are joined by Aiel, some stay, some die, others go off their own way as Rand storms around the Stone of Tyr killing everything in his path. He looks over a balcony and sees Moiranne and Lan fighting off wave after wave of Trollocs, when Rand turns and see Trollocs busting through a door aside him! He whirls and does his Flipper Sliding through Porthole combined into Tree Snake Slithers along Sally on one of them and crashed into the second as he slips on blood. Another Trolloc comes to cleave him in two but a great big hole appears where it's head would be as a third Trolloc kills the one about to kill Rand! "Ironic, don't you think?" as Rand sets the last one on fire and then spots Lanfear looking like a humble lil maid. Again she promises him "Power unimaginable!" but he decides to pin her to the wall with Saidin and laughs at her, but then he is throw back and nearly chokes to death as she undoes his work on her and moves toward him "Stupid boy! I know more in my pinky than in your whole body!" Is Rand screwed? Will he be raped by this hot Wifey look alike? Will he finally lose his cherry or be sodomized by some Trollorc gangbang session??!?!? Stay tuned!

WoT:PbP XVII

2005-06-08T07:32:00.000-05:00

Or "How Rand Learns to Use the Force by Wimen"

Sometime later in the morning after the whole Rumble in the Jungle went down we find Elayne and Egwene knocking on Rand's door. First thing I thought of "Rand's gonna geterdone 2 4 1!" but then I remembered "MORON! This is RAND! He only just in the last 2 books had 1 nut drop and he kicked a half-naked latina out of his room, what do you think he'll do with 2 hotties!??!!?" Silly me I must be thinking like a guy again. Rand invites them in, they see he's got tons and tons of books stacked up all around his room, piled high like some EQ junkie piles up Pizza Hut boxes. Egwene spots the titles of some "Treaties on Using Swords!" and "Dummies Guide to Being a Man" and she raises an eyebrow at a few copies of "Cherry Poppers" that he's tucked under the pillow. They inform him that they are there to teach him to use Saidin. He looks at them stupidly with a "It's like teaching a man to give birth to children! Can't be done!" (actual quote from the book!) But they try anyway.

Elayne and Egwene command (oh that's great!) him to use the True Power Source Magic on them as they try it out to see if he can detect them using it. Sure enough he can sense them using it but they can't feel it on them. Egwene blows up at him "Are you using it NOW!??!" so he uses a bit of it to pinch her ass, she blasts back with a cold cock on him sending him down. That pisses him the fuck off so he roars at them "you want to see the TRUE POWER OF THE DARKSIDE!!!??!?!" so he picks them up, cuts off their Saidar power source pool of magic and begins to randomly set things on fire and blow stuff up. I feel that that's a justified use as he's melting gold and making tables dance and catch on fire, good boy! Meanwhile the women are nearly shitting themselves as they can't use Saidar at all and are scared until he puts it all out and sets them down smugly.

As soon as he does they charge up Dragonball Z style going to 18billion quads of power and tell him to never do that again, Egwene then lays down the bombshell that she loves him like a brother and doesn't want to marry him anymore. Rand takes this a bit hard and tells her "Well I didn't want to hurt you with the Power and that's bad, and poopysticks " and then Egwene kisses him on the cheek and walks out. Rand then looks over at Elayne after she makes a lil "Hi, Rand" Now we see the true duplicity of women!

Elayne scoots up to him, tells him "I'm very very very like totally unholy fond of you Rand". I get the impression that's she's a fucking valley girl here from CA and this makes me loathe her even more. Rand says "Well DUH I'm fond of you too! HYUCK!" stupid ass fucking hillbilly bastard. Elayne takes this as a sign that Rand is confused, bewildered, doesn't know what to say, fuckstick he NEVER knows what to fucking SAY! RJ can't write a man and a woman holding a decent conversation no more than George Lucas can write a fucking love scene! GAH! So Elayne says "Kiss me Rand, oh just Kiss me!" as he stammers "But I only just met you and I'm FOND of you!" while the tricksy woman's mind comes up with "Oh does that mean you don't know how?" Now this is the universal way to manipulate a man, tell him "You don't know how to do it do you dummy!" and watch as he bumblefucks his way to do it to PROVE he can and sure as shit Rand scoops her up and puts a liplock worthy of Monica Lewinski on her. How sweet, I pulled off the interstate and vomited.

After a brief make out session that didn't even get Rand up to the plate, Elayne tells him that she's leaving in a few days and wants to see him some more, and before he can say "NO...OK...I mean..Fond! YES!" the lords of Tyr come in and Rand has to throw down some new laws on them as Elayne dips out. Rand in front of men==Strong, tough, stern! in front of women==bowl of 8 day old Laguna. Shit goes down, Rand yells at them and they do what he says, blah blah blah noone cares.

Egwene while wandering out in the gardens spots Matt trying to score some tail for a nooner, some plumper he's got his eye on and Egwene 'hmmphs!' at him and he tells the woman "Be back in a bit baby, got's to take care of some biz on the side, shizzle!" and smacks her on the ass as she hustles off and Matt gives her a "That's my baby's mama right HEUH!" as Egwene chides him on not spending time with her and Nynaeve. "You want me to spend time with a bunch of bitches that do nothing but root through my shit and wrap me up like a jimmy hat? You out your mind woman!?!?" he guffaws at her but she presses on and tells him about the MAGIC door that can answer 3 questions. This has him wondering about how he can make a BAJILLION dollars, and Egwene smacks him in the face for thinking of "being so greedy and selfish all the time! Honestly!" I was shouting "GO MATT GO!" while he said that as that's what I was gonna do, I'm liking Matt more now! Egwene asks about Perrin, and Matt says he's been in the same shithole taverns as he's been talking to sailors, merchants, and 'strange men from out of town'. I think Perrin's gone over to the side of the Village People when we find out he's been trying to find adventure for Faile his girlfriend or whatever she is.

Perrin, thinks it's a BRILLIANT idea to get rid of some hot asian broad who wants to share his bed with him, ride him like a stag pony, while he gets his rocks off to wearing a furry suit and yiffing with sailors. What fucking kind of idiot is this, but NO she's got to go because "she'll be safer away from me and Rand as I MUST follow RAND!" Give me a break, take her with you, if she dies, it's her fucking fault, she prolly has a twin sister somewhere! Fuckin A upgrade man! UPGRADE! Do you know how much trim you can get by saying "Yeah I'm with Jesus, I mean the Dragon Reborn!" fucking A! So Perrin is looking for an adventure to ship her off so she'll go away, far far away, so he can get back to playing hide the anchor with the sailors or his wolves....Saucy pervert..

WoT:PbP XVI Book 4 continues!

2005-06-07T07:18:00.000-05:00

After nearly a year of taking time off from doing this and doing other things, my few fans have come to me kicking, screaming, and begging for me to do more. I know I know, I shouldn't tell people that my own mother kicked me, but hey, she's mom, what can you. Without further ado, I bring you Wheel of Time: Play by Play, now with more BUBBLES!

Yes, that's right bubbles. As we last left our fearless group of fucktard nitwits, they were all in Tyr as bad shit was happening all around them, very bad shit, naughty things and all. After Rand's whole debacle Moiraine comes in and explains to Rand, Perrin, and those Aiel women that it's due to 'evil bubbles in the Force"! The dark one Shitan, is breaking loose and his 'evilness' is bubbling out like me after eating a whole plate of spaghetti, mama mia! This EvilFarts(tm) is what caused the whole period of madness! It must be! That has to be it! It couldn't be due to the fact that there are other forces at work that want to kill all 3 of the boys, some Black Ajah left over, people who hate the boys for taking over the Stone of Tyr, someone who really didn't like Perrin's yellow eyes staring at his new Great Dane lustfully. Nah! It's gotta be Evil Bubbles!

Matt, whom I am liking more and more in a non homo way, decides that he's had enough of this and dashes off to Thom Maryland in the servants section of the Stone. Just as Thom was crafting up a letter to get one of his new hoes beatdown for giving him a case of the Itchy Crotch Rot Matt starts banging on the door and Thom toss the letter in his case. Matt describes his whole scene of flinging daggers at cards and "blasting shit as this shit was seriously fucking shit the fuck up! FUCK!" So now we all know that Matt was doing lines of Cocaine off one of the maids asscrack before he got drunk and played cards, I know this because Thom knows this and Thom tells him so. Matt says "I gots to get me the fuck outta this muthafucka!" but Thom persuades him with a game of Dominos and of course we all KNOW that throwing a brother a set of Dominoes immediately distracts him from doing something else than what he was supposed to be doing.

Rolling out to Egwene and Nynaeve, they are questioning the Black Ajah bitches about what they were doing and who they were going to see and what was going to happen by telling them "Tell me again but don't use the same words! Different words!" really harsh Gestapo tactics I know. They get that Leanndrin, this red ajah woman, is going to use another guy to impersonate Rand and then cause all sorts of hell by stating he is the Dragon Reborn and then rampaging across the land. The other woman whom they 'question' states that in the city of Tanchico something is going to go down there. Moraine bursts in with Elayne in tow looking like a beat down hoe after her man had to tell her twice, yells at the 2 captives that they have 4 days left before they are shipped to the white tower in Tar Valon and they better confess before they get 'REAL MEANLIKE!' on them. The women piss and shit themselves scared, (oh wait they don't, fuck that must've been the George Martin book I was reading,oops) and then are hustled out by the guards back to their cells.

Nynaeve blows up at this point yelling at Moraine that she storms off when they need her than comes in and dismisses their captives like she was in charge. Moraine looks at her and says "But I AM in charge, who is the Aes Sedai and who WANTs to be one?" Nyneave's vein on her forehead attempts to go Mt. St. Helens when Elayne mumbles something about Rand is hurt and that she saw a half-naked woman in Rand's chambers. Of course everyone stops and looks at Elayne, drama fucking queen, and asks about who this woman was and why she was naked and what about Rand. So she tells them and finishes up "I can't believe he did this to me, I LOVE HIM !" Egwene goes over to her and tells her that she doesn't want Rand anymore and that Elayne can have him as he's like a brother to her now and that's about it. Elayne gets all perky and they make out hot like until Moraine says that now that it's done what have they found out what's going on yet.

Fast forward to 20min of useless banter about nothing, (I want those 20min back goddamnitt!) and we hear Moraine ordering the women around to go down into the cellars and look at Ter'Angreal and about a door that can Answer 3 questions: 1 past, 1 present, 1 future. Of course Nynaneve starts frothing of "WHY DID YOU NOT TELL US BEFORE!" and Moraine calmly states it can only be used once and if you use it to ask about questions concerning the Dark Side of the Force then all shit breaks loose. Elayne thinks "I can ask it if Rand will ever marry me!" and other dreamy thoughts.

Siderant:
Ok, you got this fucking door right? It's powerful, any idiot can use it right? So what do you think you'd ask it? Me? Past: What was the name of that girl that I banged in the back of the Cop Car, I forget and I was drunk at the time. Present: How can I make a BILLION dollars? Future: How can I make a BILLION dollars? Common fucking sense questions here! This is why men rule the fucking world in this story and women are nothing but sniveling lil emotional ticking time bombs. I pray for when there comes a woman with a head on her shoulders besides Moraine!

So all 3 women are wondering where to go and why Moraine wants to push Rand toward warring with another nation, and Elayne begins to say "War is bad, but if you do this, it's ok , but it's bad" nevermind that she's the fucking queens daughter and will rule a fucking nation but she can't keep her head out of thoughts of butterfly fucking kisses with Rand, when Moraine states "If Rand attacks FIRST the rest will fall and he will rule them all" Good policy I think, but Rand is sitting on his ass reading books on prophecy and nonsense and won't make a move until he knows for sure.

All in all, the shit about the women took about 45min to listen to and it involved a whole fucking lot of fucking nothing. GAH! It coulda been done in 10min or less! More when I turn that thing on on the way home if the internet is working when I get there!

WoT:PbP XV Book 4 begins

2004-07-06T08:52:00.000-05:00

Long overdue update. I had to stop listening to it over the weekend even though I drove a shitload. Sucks being 60 miles from everything in the middle of nowhere. But in the end my dear 3 readers can get a nice long update!

Book 4: Shadow Rising

We start the book off with some nonsense tale about the Dragon Reborn doing bad things to bad people. He'll kill everyone and then eat the rest with a fork and then blow up the world. I really think they are giving Rand waaayyy too much credit as he's good, but sure as shit not that good. I'll wait till he at least pops his cherry before I would even begin to call him newsworthy. But then again these are prophicies and they don't count for shit anyway.

Dain Borhald of the White Klan Cloaks is moving his troops across Andor toward the 2 River's. Apparently it's been some time since this place has 'seen the light'. Yes I know, Jesus is coming, but they want to spread the word quickly. So who do they hook up with? Of course! Ordeth/Paddon Fain. He is now in charge of the delegation to bring the Light to the towns that the original group of Rand, Perrin, Nynaeve, Matt, and Egwene came from. With Dain on a vengence hard-on for Perrin as this is where he came from we learn that he doesn't trust Ordeth as he's already tortured and killed 3 people. Perhaps the son of the guy that got killed when the White Cloaks attacked the Seanchan at the end of book 2. Using deductive reasoning that escapes normal human intellect he blames Perrin because Perrin was there and therefore he killed his dad.

So let's reason this out.

1. Dain's dad led a battle group against Seanchan army.
2. Perrin was in the town of Phalma.
3. Dain's dad died at Phalma.

So if we use Wheel of Time: Logic we deduce that because 1,2, and 3 are true therefore 2 caused 3 to happen. Logical? Hell no! It's all about vengence apparently. Dain suffers emotional pains about hanging innocent people but his thoughts all revolve around Perrin and butchering him in his sleep.

Lil miss Min heads to the White tower dressed not in butch but in a dress. Her hair has grown, she's got a nice body, unfortunately she hates wearing dresses and long hair as that conflicts with her Rainbow Rights ideology and she bitches constantly about it. She goes upto the White Tower requests to see the Amyrlin seat and suprisingly she gets in right away. Along the way she is hussled onward by some idiotic novice who keeps jawing away and right as she gets near the door to go in she holds a 10 minute conversation with Gawyn, Elayne's brother. I timed it, I sat there looking at the display as it clicked onward while her and Gawyn. It's not an important conversation, it's barely relavent to the topic at hand, Gawyn asks where's Elayne and Egwene and Min says "I've got no fucking idea" but she admits he's hot and starts to get all hot and bothered by him. Meanwhile the Amarylin, she's like the pope for god's sake, is sitting there waiting while Gawyn tries to grill Min where the fuck she has been and now that she looks hotter than hell. Finally the door busts open and the Keeper demands Min come in and talk to Suon Sanche, the Amyrlin. Gawyn scampers off cursing he didn't get the digitz but he knows where she is.

Min sees the Amyrlin and gets an earful of "Don't you be prettier than a silverpike flashing a blowfish in the spring rains! YAR!" which causes Min to wonder if her sanity is slipping, that or she wants some more 'hand's on' readings. Min tells Suon what's going on with Rand that he tore off to Tyr and Morainne is following him with Perrin. Suon thinks that's a good idea and an even better idea would be to keep Min here in the tower and ferret out some more information on what is going with Min's viewings. Min has been seeing Dead People (tm) all day as every Aes Sedai she looks is either coated in blood or in chains. Suon needs eyes and ears and says Min's going to be them. Min bitches she wants to go see Rand as she looooovvvessss him , it's a cover, but Suon says "What do you honestly think you can accomplish going to see him besides getting in his way?" and she agrees with her. Suon tells her she will go by her full name of El'Mindra, some hero who probably saved 1000 people but really butchered villages and ate babies alive, and keep dressing like a woman. Min is about to blow a gasket but Suon gives her the stare down and Min humbly agrees.

Back at the Stone of Tyr, Perrin is trying to settle down for the night. Faile is throwing a tirade about wanting to leave the Stone because Rand might flip out and kill everyone. Perrin tells her that she's being an idiot as Rand wouldn't do that. She starts pouting and Perrin gives her a hug and cops a feel, seems like Perrin has a gf! Holy shit! While Perrin's tryint to plant one on her Faile screams and Perrin whirls to see his axe coming at his head! He dodges it and pushes Faile out of the way, but the axe comes back around at him! He wrestles with it in one hand and forces Faile kicking and screaming out the door to their room. Once it's locked and barred he manuevers the axe to grind right into the door, tricky guy! He opens the door to see Failes face a cunt's hair's length away from the axe blade sticking out the door. They agree that Rand did this as it's part of him going mad, yeah, it's not that anyone is out to kill them as they just killed a Forsaken and captured some Black ajah, nahh that's got nothing at all to do with it!

Matt's turn. He's gambling, got his game of cards going on, his oponents, rich snobby lords and sons of lords of Tyr. He's taking all their money, he knows it, his luck is going apeshit here cards are going his way all nite, he knows it. The rest of the boys around the table are getting sloppy drunk and when Matt is dealt his last card he feels a pinprick on his hand. He looks down and see the Amarylin card has cut his hand. All of a sudden all the cards are growing out into human size with their swords and knives trying to stab him! Matt throws the cards into the air and using his throwing knives staples the cards to the wall. The images fade away but Matt finds himself lying on his back with all the cards speared and the lords looking at him as if he is insane. He gets up, grabs his loot and storms off as this is all Rand's fault for going insane. Logic 101 courses begin in 10...9...8...

Rand's turn. He's sitting in his rooms relaxing, mumbling over and over in his sleep that he is the prettiest princess in the land and that he will burn it all down, with fire, till they're dead! He wakes up to see the First of Mayan there. Picture Jessica Alba with seethrough clothes on. She tries to come up to Rand and more or less tells him that she wants him to fuck her brains out, but of course he being a 2 Rivers' boy, blushes and furiously will not take some free and easy poontang pie. AS she's about to rip open his pants and deepthroat his dragonspear, she screams and points behind him, all the mirrors in the room are growing images of Rand and stepping out of them. Holy duplicate of Conan batman! Rand conjures his sword, and the duplicates conjure swords of fire too. He breaks all the mirrors and locks the First in a cage of Air out of the way. Seems women are only useful at getting in the way as of late. Rand fights furiously with them wounding them all but they keep coming on. He puts his hand on the table near his bed which gets turned into feather puree rather quickly and is stabbed by a mini-Rand. He picks it up and absorbs it into him! He drops his sword and the others drop theirs and tackle him. He's taking a furious asskicking of epic proportion but he summons the Force and pulls the dupes into him. He rises, coated in blood from hundreds of cuts by glass, releases the First, she begs forgiveness for being so rude and gets down on hands and knees. Now if it were me, It'd be the perfect time for a blowjob, you just got done kicking some ass, your beatup, shit call in some dinner and a bj and it's a good nite! Nope he sends her off telling her to leave him the fuck alone and she runs away scared shitless.

Perrin comes stomping up to the door to Rand's room, tells Faile maybe he should talk to Rand alone and she agrees, she runs off as he gets to open the door. He sees the first come bolting out of there like a bat out of hell, he sees Rand all cut up mumbling stuff about "Burn it all, take my red stapler, bastards, 9941 toothpicks..." and Perrin screams for the Aiel to get Morainne. He questions Rand about what is going on and he says that he saw many of him and he killed them all. Morainne comes in and heals Rand and he screams as the glass comes out of him and his bleeding has stopped. He passes out and Perrin and Morainne leave as Rand becomes oblivious to all those who came to help him out as the whole room is full of glass shards.

Sorry this took so long, works sucking the life out of me.

WoT:PbP XIV Update 1 End of Book 3

2004-07-01T19:37:00.000-05:00

jesus h. christ. I had to goto my accountant today, he's about 1.5hrs away so I finished up book 3 today. Yeah, I'm impressed, sarcasm mode on.

Nynaeve, Egwene, and Elayne spend a few days hunting around and when Nynaeves comes back from the store with the theif hunter she sees the Black Ajah there in the house, she's been betrayed by the theif hunter. She attempts to blast them to pieces with the Force but it's cut off, so she does a good impression of Tanya Harding Boxing and mauls one of them and gives the other a backhand. Eventually she gets subdued by another woman giving her Bruce Lee force punches and goes down bloodied and brused. They drag them all off into a coach and carry them off to the Stone of Tyr as bait for other Aes Sedai, perhaps to be turned to the dark side. "Come to the darkside!" echoes faintly in the coach...

Matt's wanderings around town are fruitless and Thom's death wheezes are grating on his nerves so he looks for a doctor. He finds a wise woman that everyone mentions and she gives Thom some nasty black vile shit to drink. He cusses her out for a while and Matt laughs at him. She recognizes his accent and Matt gets all tense. He inquires about the girls and the wise woman says "You can't help them they've been take by a Highlord!" Matt has 0 idea what the hell that means and tells her "Tell me know before I tie you to a lightpost and set you on fire!" he's gone mad due to the stress by the way, his gold teeth all fell out. She tells him that they are in the Stone of Tyr and that they are 'guests' of Highlord Sammael. Matt thinks "Ok! Thom wait right here and I'll go spring them from an impenitrable fortress, using fireworks, a staff, and my wits!" Thom starts gagging on some phlegmn and the wise woman agrees to tend to him. He grabs his shit and goes off to assault Fort Knox!

Perrin meanwhile comes back from a hard day's work and sees Morainne and Lan all frantic. Zareen asks what's going on and she tells them that Lord Sammael has the black ajah there with him and they plan on going to assualt it. She tells them that they need to goto Tar Vallon as they will be safe there, Perrin says "Okie dokie" and Zareen runs upstairs to get the fuck out of Dodge. Perrin goes upstairs as she is taking her sweet ass time and when he sees her on the ground dead he attempts to goto her but Morainne holds him back. Appears she's been dragged off to the Land of Sleep by a ter'angreal that looks like Sonic the hedgehog. Perrin throws a temper tantrum but will not leave her, Morainne shrugs and takes off. Perrin grabs Loiel and tells him to watch over his body as he's going after her. He leaps in shouting "RAWR!" like a big cat and when he touches her he's teleported to the Land of Sleep. Here I thought as soon as he touched a booby he'd turn beat red and explode. Well there he is with Hopper and tells the wolf that they need to find Zareen and he morphs into a wolf and bounds after her! Amazing how one woman that he fucking hates just turns him into the path that he has been trying to avoid for the last XXX pages! Love is a fickle mistress, thank god my girlfriends Rosie and Manuela will never leave me, I love them both, sweet lil things!

[OK this part is a mass of plots and pages flipping all around, so instead of doing all the plot threads flipping back and forth I will run out each one till they intersect and finish there. Much easier to read and makes sense. If not you'll end up having a 1/5 of whisky like I just did! Wooyah!]

Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne awaken to find themselves still shielded from the Force (but they can still sense midichlorians! Oh the humanity!) so they see they are in some cell but they got all their loot. Doesn't anyone loot the bodies anymore? Fuckin' a! Egwene thinks that she can find a way out by going to sleep and using her ring ter'angreal to get them out. So she passes out in a coma and goes exploring. She manages to catch one Aes Sedai Black Ajah napping and she wraps them in Spirit and Air and cuts them from the One Power. She screams like a queer finding out they got dollar deals on rainbow spandex and she lies there as Egwene goes out more. She comes back to tell the girls that she can do more but she needs more sleep. She wants Nynaeve to lull her to sleep. So we get some good Jenna Jammeson action and Egwene passes out and finds the one sister guarding her door. She fuckstarts her brain and when she is done she comes back awake to see Matt and the theifcatcher there rescuing them. They get all huffy as they don't need rescuing but all agree that he's an idiot. Matt rolls his eyes as they leave to cause more trouble and hunt down Black Ajah, before they go Nynaeve cold clocks the Black sister by the door and their power is returned. I would've just stabbed her but that works too.

Matt peers outside on the roof overlooking the Stone of Tyr. it's a massive fucking fortress that isn't supposed to fall until the Aiel come and the Dragon Reborn takes the sword Excalibur, I mean Calandor. As Matt is about to 'assault' the castle all by himself he gets a spear to his throat, he tries to do a flip kick gimmick Jet Li style and ends up having 4 more spears on his throat. Turns out the Aiel are there to take down Tyr and Matt happens to be in the way. Matt says "Hey I'm going your way man! Why you keep a brutha down?" at that point the theif catcher Julian (sure that's it another expendable!) says "Hey I'm going there too to rescue the girls, I turned them in, I owe them" Yeah he's a mental genius, he's got a penis so 'nuff said. The Aiel agree to give them a pass and go assault it from another side saying only "The time of the Dragon is at hand, we go to seek him" and disapear Ninja Stealth style. I love those guys. How does Matt plan to get into the Stone? Easy! He straps all the fireworks into one hole and lights the fuse. One pound of C4 later and there's a nice huge hole which him and Julie go in. They tackle some guards and some Highlords all looking for the dungeon. They find a secret doorway as Matt was about to toss Julian out the window for wasting his time and they find it and find the girls after seeing the Aes Sedai that Egwene cut off from the One Power the first time. She's writing in pain crying "Help me!" Matt cops a feel real quick as he's getting the keys off her and frees the girls. They all go look for death.

Perrin in his wolf forms hunts for Zareen, whom he now calls Faile as he is all luvy dovey now, [vomit] and finds her in a room, frees her and she disapeers. This concept of "hahaha we hid her all over the place moron!" escapes him and he gets all furious and smashes shit to bits. He then hunts her down several more times till Hopper says "Time grows short, you've been here too long", Perrin growls "Then find her for me!" and they goto a big brass door. Perrin hits it with his hammer thrice and it crashes down. Inside is a falcon tied to a pole and hundreds of other hawks harry him while he gets to her. He makes it there and rips apart her chain as he's sliced to pieces by the birds. I hate birds by the way, filthy fucking creatures that eat and shit every where. You can't pet them, they bite you, best bird is a fucking dead bird run over by my car...ahhh memories... Anyway, Perrin awakes as Zareen is wiping up his blood mumering "My poor moronic blacksmith has saved me!" and he fades out into obliviou forgetting her name.

Rand, haven't spoken about him in ages, finally gets to the hall that holds Calandor he goes to pick it up and meets Belal. Again we get the whole "Do you remember me Lews Therrin? I was your buddy, we fought together, now take the sword Calandor or I will kill you!" Again with the whole "Do X or Die!" routine. They fight with Rand with a red sword of flame and Belal with a black sword. Eventually Belal forces Rand to take the sword by nearly using Black Balefire Hydooken on him. When Rand touches Calandor, besides the sound of angels going "LAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", he unleashes a Mega Blast on Belal and he screams as he is rended apart from all time. Rand starts to set down the sword and guess who fucking shows up? Just take a fucking guess? Come on we've all seen this fucking coming and I prayed it wasn't going to happen. Yes folks, that's right, fucking Baazelman. Jesush on a pogostick can't RJ find another fucking guy to throw at Rand for the Final Fight 2k4! climax? So here we go again with the whole "Since you won't serve me you die! I shall suck your soul and you will die! Serve the great lord of the dark in death so die! I hate you daddy now die!" routine. Rand keeps wondering "Didn't I kill this fucker twice already?" and then Rand shows him Calandor splitting some Baelfire as Baalzeman goes "Oh shit!" and teleports out of there. Rand grunts "It's time you fucking stay dead asshole!" and teleports after him. They end up doing a running battle similar to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom while Indy's escaping. Long story short (no shit right?) Rand unleashes Balefire, for 3000 year old technology it's popping up every fucking where!, and blasts Baazelman to bits. Darkness fades and Rand's back in the Stone and Morainne appears. Rand shouts "I killed that muther fucker dead!" and Morainne says "Nope, you killed A MAN not Satan himself" Rand gets all pissy and storms off. Overhead the flag of the Dragon flies overhead. Shouts of "AL'THOR!" and "DRAGON!" echo the town as the Aiel explain they are the Children of the Dragon (tm) and that none other know how to serve Rand than them.

So ends book 3. Overall a decent book, not the best pulp I've read, but it can all be summed up like this: Everyone goes apart, then comes back together again for some odd reason and plot hooks pull them together. Rand kills Satan again. The End.

If Rand fights fucking Satan at the end of Book 4 I am going to set the CD on fucking fire! Kill someone and keep them dead for godsake!

Good fight and Good nite! Time to hit the whisky!

WoT:PbP XIV

2004-07-01T07:46:00.000-05:00

or "Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's off to Tyr we go!"

First up is the women Nynaeve, Elayne, and Egwene dock at Tyr after nearly killing each other over the fact of who would be in charge. They get on their horses and ride off, Nynave telling them they are not staying at an Inn and Elayne getting huffy at the fact that she won't get her beauty sleep and Egwene isn't being an uber cunt toward them all. Nynaeve leads them to some herbal shop, some great big, fat, old woman is sitting there looking surly. Nynaeve and her get into an hour long pissing contest about herbal remedies and Egwene politely asks them "How do you cure someone that has the shits of the mouth?" and they get the hint. They secure rooms and tell the old woman about looking for the women and items that were stolen. The old witch says she knows a Private Investigator and goes out and gets him. Nynaeve tells the guy she's looking for 13 women and tells him that "These women will fuckstart your head if you EVEN think of fucking with them." He gives them a glazed over look, he's a male so of course by default he's a moron. The women settle down for the night in the shop and proceed to use the Ring of Sleepwalking to scout.

Egwene dreams herself into The Land of Sleep and goes straight to the Stone of Tyr. What she sees astounds her, 13 sisters all sitting around the sword Calador and when she looks around one of the sisters looks right at her, smiles, and then Egwene wakes up screaming! Oh no! Nynaeve and Elayne calm her down a bit by getting her all drugged up and then giving her a warm "rubdown". Lesbians all of them. They ponder over what it means that there are 13 women that know that they are there, that know what they know that they know what it is that is known by the unknown knowns! RJ should work for the defense department!

Matt's boat comes into Tyr after leaving Wherever in a hurry, him and Thom get their horses, pay the captain his gold and go looking for the girls. Happenstance they wander by the same place that the girls are at but he doesn't find them yet. Nope, we get another 30+ pages added to this tome about him hunting them down. Matt and Thom find an Inn and set their shit down. They then go out into the street and go Inn by Inn, gambling and asking about the women and Komar. Thom's got bronchitis, or probably Tuberculosis, death comes soon for Thom! MUHAHAHAHHHAHAHA! Eventually, half about to pass out they agree that this is the last Inn they are going into, and stagger into it. They see Komar dicing and talk to the innkeeper. He's bitching about Komar cheating at dice as he seems to win a helluva lot more than what he loses. Matt figures that if he can get Komar to fight him he can kill him and stop him from hurting the women. In reality we all know Matt wants to bang Egwene as she always talked about how Matt had the best 'staff' skills in the 2 River's, what a cocktease.

Matt gets his stroll on and sits down at the table with Komar. His gold teeth gleam in the light and Komar says "Well farmboy looks like you want to play? How about this?" and rolls the dice, 3 6's and 2 5's. Matt takes the dice and gives them a shake and gives it a "BOOYAH SUCKA!" and watches the world go crazy as the dice roll up 5 6's! He then tells Komar that he best not try to kill the girls and to leave town now. Of course this just pisses Komar off and he attempts to kill Matt but Matt flips him over the table and he breaks his back when he lands. Yeah Ok. Komar's dying words were "I am not alone, others are coming" and then he dies and Matt and Thom have to flee before trouble comes and finds them.

Perrin's group arrives in Tyr tired and exhausted. They've traveled nonstop to get to this place, I don't remember if it's by boat or not, does it even matter at this point? They find an Inn to stay at and get the penthouse suite. Morainne calls them into a private dining hall for them to 'talk' about the plans are. The conversation is priceless so it's worth parphrasing it out.

[Scene opens: Perrin has just walked into the room and closes the door, Loiel sits on the ground, Zareen sits on a chair in the back, Lan stands near the mantle watching all.]

Morainne: Perrin, sit down we need to talk.
Perrin: Um what is this all about.
Zareen: What the fuck did you drag us all into here for?
Lan: Shut the fuck up both of you.
Morainne: [Icy gaze silences Perrin and Zareen] There is a forsaken in Tyr, Belal is Lord Sammal. Loiel what do you know about Belal, short answer only.
Zareen: He's a fucking ogier what the hell does he know about Belal
Morainne: [Icy glare to Zarren, Zareen goes to look at the ceiling at how nice it is] Ogier know more about what's happend in the last 3000 years than humans ever will.
Loiel: Oh boy, Forsaken here in Tyr, shit fuck shit fuck shit! I coulda stayed at home and married someone mom told me to! Fuck forsake! Fuck fuck fuck!
Morainne: You going to help us furball or not?
Loiel: [Ears folded into hair] Sure, I know very lil about him, he's Netcatcher or soultaker, fuck the forsaken!
Morainne: Netcatcher huh? Never heard of that before. Ok here's the plan, I will assault Tyr and find out what is going on, the rest of you look busy and stay out of trouble.
Perrin: Look....Busy..?? [Long sentance has baffled his lil brain]
Zareen: We are supposed to fucking just sit here and not do shit?
Lan: No fool girl. You are supposed to sit here, me and Morainne are going to scout out, and don't try to stop me Morainne. Now if you will excuse me, I have to do recon. [Lan leaves]
Loiel: Shit fuck shit! The forsaken [weeping occurs]
Perrin: For..saken? [He sits down]
Morainne: That is all, I must be off. [She leaves]
Zareen: Fucking bitch better fucking watch herself before I knife her. [Morainne looks at her cooly, Zareen looks at that interesting window that she's just discovered]

So Perrin in order to keep himself busy goes down to the blacksmith across the street, straps on a red and white apron and begins to do work while Zareen watches him like a hawk. Days go by...

WoT:PbP XIII

2004-06-30T07:36:00.000-05:00

Updates at night are seeming to be next to impossible for me, I'm a lazy bastard it seems.

Perrin, Lan, Faile/Zareen, and Loiel go back to their rooms, Lan gathers up his gear to go out and find Morainne due to the fact that they found this big ole dog print and it's a shadowhound hunting them down. Lan figures it's good enough reason to go find her and warn her about it, really he's just pissed cause when she dies he's got to hang around with an ugly chick, and there's nothing worse than being around ugly women day in and day out. Perrin goes up stairs and gets all curled up in bed with his lil wolfdoll and goes to sleep. He tries to dream of Hopper, his wolf totem animal, and all he keeps coming up with is nothing until Hopper appears and tells Perrin he's too young and he's got to go back. Perrin, being the moron that he is, doesn't understand this as he hasn't had 30 min to understand that "This place is bad now, go home" really means "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" until Hopper pushes him over a cliff and he wakes up to see Zareen staring at him with a knife. For some odd fucking reason this 20+ yr old ma (HAHA!) pulls the covers upto his chin like some B movie actress that just showed the world her tits and a vampire is going to drink her blood. Perrin asks her "What do you want?"

Now pardon me here I'm going to go off on a lil rant. This series is based off of midevil/fantasy folklore right? By the time boys were about 14-16 they were already getting their groove on. Girls as young as 12 were getting their cherries popped by 30 yr old guys whom their parents married them off to. Why, dear God save me, in the name of all that is holy do these 3 fucking men (well besides Matt now) see a woman blush, cringe, or shy away. Perhaps they are all gay and don't like the attention. Perhaps, like this example with Perrin, they all have an infeority complex due to a small penis. I leave whatever conclusion you can draw from reading these Sumreviews I am doing, but it's fucking ridiculous that a grown man seeing a hot babe in his room staring at him would pull the covers up like a 4yr old who just wet his bed.

Zareen casually responds "Nothing, you squirm in your sleep wolfboy" and another round of blushing goes on. The door bursts open as Zareen is about to get what she wants from Perrin one way or another, agressive lil Talibaner ain't she?, and Morainne tells them to get dressed as the hounds are hunting them as Lord Sammael is in town! They get dressed, rain pouring down outside, Lan is out there already with the horses and Zareen asks "Who the fuck is Sammael?" Morainne points out that from now till the end of the Wheel she is bound to them and tells her that Sammael is one of the Forsaken come back. Perrin announces shit about the Horn of Valere and Zareen's "YOU'VE KNOWN ABOUT IT THE WHOLE TIME AND DIDN'T TELL ME!??!?!!" outburst shocks Perrin but then the sounds of baying echoes throughout the city. The Shadowhounds are
coming! Morainne yells at the innkeeper to get the fuck out of town now as bad shit is coming but she's either too fat or too fucking stupid to understand that FORSAKEN==BAD+DEATH. Concepts like this would probably get me to get on the first ship out and kill anyone in my way.

The party rides out into the woods, finally stopping on a high hill to fight to the death against the hounds. Perrin takes out his bow and 5 arrows, he pisses away 4 of them before he hits one of them, big like a pony but looks like a wolf all in shadow. Yes, he's useless I know. Everyone gets ready to fight it out and then Morainne unleashes Balefire to burn them all to atomic crisps! She remarks that noone in the last 2000 years has been able to to do that, yet we have seen it done 3 times in the last 300 pages for christ's sake! They remount and ride on in the dark away from the city never to be seen again.

Matt and Thom reach Caemlyn to see hordes of refugees stream in, they ask around and it appears that war has hit home and that allot of people are looking for protection from the city walls. Matt tells Thom to find the Queen's Blessing Inn and he'll meet him there. Matt gallops up to the front gates and tells the front guard that he's got a letter from Tar Vallon to the queen. The guard says the only letter he better be carrying is one of surrender by the White Tower, Matt tells him to go fuck himself and he's chased down by guards until he escapes. He find the Queen's Blessing, with the sign of a man giving the queen a blowjob it's not that hard to find! Ole Master Gil is playing Stones with Thom, Matt wishes there was some dominoes that he could play and a malt liquor slurpee but that's time for later. He slams down a coin and says "I got a letter from Elayne to her mom, I will be back for a room and some Thunderbird!" and walks off as Thom and Gil just shake their head.

Matt scouts the castle and finds the same wall Rand used to get into the castle, like we didn't see this coming, and hops over it. He puts a flower in his hair so that will frighten the guards away, he's a master of camoflague and terror... He scoots near a window and overhears a Deep Voice telling Komar that he wants Komar to kill Elayne, Nynaeve, and Egwene before they hit Tyr. Matt has to wait for some guards to pass by using his Mad Ninja Stealth Powers that her learned as a 2 Riva Soldah and sees Komar but not the Deep Voice. He then thinks "Shit I got to warn the Queen!" and goes to look for a guard. Well now there isn't any.

He finds one just done taking a dump and he shows him the letter saying "I GOTS ME A LETTER DON'T FUCKING KILL ME!" and he is then escorted to the queen herself. He looks around and sees a helluva lot of gold and silver items and as he is trying to figure out a way to rob the place blind he's presented to the Queen Morgase and her 'advisor' Lord Gabriel. Matt hands the solider the letter and he hands it to her, she reads it, gets pissed, then happy, then pissed, then sad (must be menopause time). She tells Matt that if she were to see Elayne again that to tell her that "What is said in anger is not kept in anger and can be forgiven, Red mushrooms, Purple Unicorns, and grapefruits". Matt is lost as this is some sort of secret uber code and says "YUP!" Lord Gabriel gives him some gold and Matt marks him as the Deep Voice when he talks! Shit! Morgase's boyfriend wants to kill her daughter! Matt's about to speak but then common sense kicks in and he get the hell out of there.

Back at the Inn, Matt tells Thom and Gil what happened and that he means to be bound for Tyr ASAP. He's not sticking around to see him hung like the black man that he is! Gil and Thom tell him that he's white and what the fuck is he talking about but Matt throws some more money around and gets ready to leave, after his meal and some Colt 45 of course.

WoT:PbP XII

2004-06-29T07:32:00.000-05:00

Long update, slacked off yesterday nite for an update and it's kicking my ass.

Rand sits staring at a fire, he's a bit chilly, still muttering to himself on how he's got to get to Tyr and can't let any Aes Sedai stop him from getting there. Out of the darkness comes a traveling merchant with her dozen or so guards. She asks Rand if she and her group can warm themselves by the fire, he says "Sure, why not!" and as she says "Good, I was starting to get cold..." and then Rand springs up with a flaming sword in his hands and lobs off her head, he then proceeds to do a good imitation of Crouching Tiget Hidden Dragon on the dozen people and they all fall before his firey blade. He looks back and sees all the bodies falling off the horses. He gathers his belongings and positions the bodies to have head bowed to the ground kneeling, but he counts 13 instead of 12, a strange plain looking fellow he killed and didn't even know it. "Damn, I am just that fucking GOOD!" he says. His reasoning for having them bow before him? The world will soon do that so the sooner the better.

Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne find a boat sailing down river or up river, I can't tell RJ doesn't give you a fucking map to follow so they could be going into a skyship for all I know. They are going under cover as Aes Sedai, which they are damn close and with all the talk of them being "TEH MOST PWERFUL EVAR!" by every fucking lesbian sister there they might as well start acting the part. There's some conflict over who is in charge, Nynaeve being the old Wisdom of the village (read: Old bitch who heals people) thinks she is and Egwene has to keep telling her that she can't boss her around. Overall, we get a sense that there's a power struggle going on and it's not the best time to do it in front of the captain, perhaps they go down later and kiss, cry, and cuddle and makeup? One can only imagine.

Their boat gets stuck so they decide to row to shore and have the captain meet them at another town down the way, they will walk. Mind you there is a war going on with Andor fighting Carieghn and Elayne being daughter heir of Andor so they decide to goto the Carieghn side, brilliant... They dismount start walking and there is a voice up ahead that says "Stop, I know you are Aes Sedai, my sister needs healing" and out pops an Aiel woman who Egwene finds highly attractive with her red hair, dark skin, tight fitting clothes. Nynaeve agrees to look at this woman as Aes Sedai are bound to help those that ask and up pops 3 more Aiel women all hidden in the brush. They take her to a wounded Aiel woman and Nynaeve gets all worked up to heal her while Egwene gets a lesson in Aiel culture. It appears that women can become 'sisters' when they speak the 'words' to a wies woman in their land. This is amazing as this is the first time we have seen open acceptance of lesbians being married! Massachusettes eat your heart out! Apparently this is common as once they are Wedded to the Spear they can take no man as a mate unless they give up the spear, but that doesn't mean they have to hate men. I find that this confirms my notion that Aiel women basically are Samurai as in fedual Japan and can do what they want with either sex and noone really gives a damn. Egwene get's all excited about this fact as she is desperate to get her freak on with Rand and since they look kinda like him she doesn't care. Around this time Nynaeve heals the woman and Egwene pulls her shift up, pissed off that she didn't get to mount the Spear by Aviendha (woman who met them first). The 3 women move on stating that their work is done, the Aiel pledge that their water and blood and spears are theirs and Egwene is all goey about getting some Aiel tongue lashing but they have to move on. They go a mile and then men appear out of the brush and they are captured!

Egwene wakes up to find herself bound, she's praying that Aviendha and her sisters just didn't want to let them go without some local lovin' and captured them. The ropes were a lil too tight but "Hey they are foreigners they can be kinky too!" so she tries to look around for her Red haired goddess and a man comes over and says "Shit they are awake" and smashes her over the head bringing her to oblivion.

Egwene wakes up to find that they are held prisoner in some wooded fort, she finds that there are men out there that know they are Aes Sedai and that they are going to sell them to some 'man'. Egwene gets' all huffy and wakes up Nynaeve who finds that Elayne is dying as when they cracked them all over the head they fractured her skull. Some how, some way Nyaneve gets herself all worked up in a tizzy, shouting, yelling, pulling her braid, headbutting stone, that she is able to heal Elayne without her herbs. They all agree that it's time to whoop some ass and they go peek out to see who they are fighting. They see 3 Myrdrahl out there, with their white pasty faces and empty eyes bartering for the women to take them away and do very bad, yes very bad things to them. As they are about to kick down the door in comes the Aiel! Shit! I was praying for a beating!

So the Aiel, black veiled and all, storm in like Islamic Ninjas on a Jihad to kill the white man, barge in and slaughter the men while stalking the Myrdrahl. Before they get a chance to attack them Nynaeve lashes out with Balefire (nuclear powered sunshine) while Egwene melts them with a flamethrower spell. They then kick the bodies aside and meet up with Aveindha and her clan chief who laughs that they didn't get a chance to butcher the infidels. They claim they are on their way to Tyr and then get some horses and begin the trek again.

They get to another town, their old boat is still stuck so they commandeer another one and mount up bound for Tyr.

Flip on back to Perrin and he's with Zareen and the rest going toward Illyan. Morainne tries to get rid of the woman but, like all women in this series, she's stubborn and refuses. Morainne makes her swear that even though she's not going to tell her shit that she must serve her and that's the bottom line cause Stone Cold Says So! Zareen agrees and Morainne cops a feel and Zareen gets all tingly cold. Guess Morainne is out of practice. They find an Inn and bunk in for the night. Morainne inquires to the innkeeper why everyone is so pissed off as all the people they passed were frowning, angry, about to stab one another in this usual peaceful city. Innkeeper, call her BigMomma, tells her that since Lord BibbleBlip (another useless name) has come to power people are uneasy and things felt odd. They sit down to eat and then Perrin smells somthing nasty, like Loiel just took a giant shit on a platter. Souless assassins draw daggers and attack while Perrin rips apart a chair and beats them down with it! Combat drags on and they are all dead by Perrin's club, Morainne's fireball, Zareen/Faile's daggers, and Lan's MadSamurai skillz. Eveyone now knows that there is Aes Sedai in the city and Morainne has a task to do. She leaves, Lan throws a fit, she smacks him across the face and tells him not to behave like Rand and goes off to die, probably. One bitch down many more to go!

Phase out back to Matt, his boats docked and him and Thom leave the boat while their Capt. HoopleThppt tries to find out more for his Lord Whosit back in Tyr. Matt shows him the ole "Bitch Shut yo mouth!" move and the Capt. leaves them be. They find an Inn called the Striped Pearl Badger and gamble their way for a room and some food. Matt, of course, wins as he's bliding the innkeeper with his newly minted gold teeth "Genuine GOLD till I gets PLAT!" he says while rolling crown's to win the room in the stable. They settle down for the evening and just about to nod off when some strange woman pulls in with a cart and is pursued by a gang of hoodrats.

Matt sees that the woman is in trouble and he jumps to her rescue swinging along some rope like Sloth from Goonies going "HEY YOU GUYYYSSS!!!" and then beats the living shit out of them with Thom's staff. The woman introducers herself as an Illuminator, they make fireworks, and as a reward she gives him some that can blow stuff up good. Matt tries to give her money, it's been a while and Thom just isn't as cute as he once was, and she laughs and takes off. The figure they can't stay anymor eas the guards will be on them shortly, they pack their new horses that they one, don't even bother looting the fallen thugs, and ride into the rain. Morons.

1st rule of every combat is that after combat you LOOT THE DEAD! Sheesh.

WoT:PbP XI

2004-06-28T08:24:00.000-05:00

Listened more over the weekend, too damn exhausted to write it all up, hope I got it all as work is sucking ass today.

We return back to Perrin, Lan, Morainne, and Loiel journeying though the tracks and paths of Rand's chaotic wake. Everywhere he goes either the village is blessed by strong rains, water, good crops or cursed with fires, plagues, and ugly women. Some towns say they have seen Rand others have not, appears he's been busy playing the flute wherever he goes to earn his meal if he does stop and eat.

They manage to stop at one village that has a captured Aielman, kids are tossing rocks at him while he is locked away in a 4' x 4' cage off the ground. Perrin frowns at that as he thinks noone should be caged like an animal, and here we thought he hates the wolven side to him? They book rooms in an inn called the Staggering Virgin or something with the innkeeper groveling and asskissing the whole way. It relates that two brave seekers of the Horn of Valere fought 20 aielmen and captured one of them. One of them stumps downstairs, bitches for the nurse, and tells his tale of kicking a whole shitload of Aiel ass. They go off to their rooms and settle in for the night. Before Perrin goes up the stairs he sees a strangely exotic Mideast woman with a big nose but deep brown eyes, and [insert full page long length of garb of woman] this causes Perrin to wonder if she's looking at him or wants to kill him. Weeeee common sense escapes all major characters!

Perrin can't sleep, in fact he's been thinking of what to do since noon that day on how to 'fix' the problems. Appears that he really is as dumb as he tries not to let on, as he can't figure out how to solve a simple "Man in box, man go out of box!" solution. So he finally gets up, grabs his axe and marches out to the square where the Aiel is. He goes to the post and lowers the cage down to the ground telling him that he is free to go. The Aiel looks at him telling him his name is Gaul of Clan Ghost Bear of squadron Alpha Omni..Wait that's Battletech sorry...and tells him that he thanks him for letting him out and his water and wives are his. Of course Perrin's never had pussy since pussy had him so he blushes, probably a deep fucking scalding fiery red, and then we see a dozen White Cloak Klansman shout "The Aiel is free!"

Now for all 6 of you that have read this from the beginning or so, we know Perrin has a hate on for the Klan, we've seen it a dozen times, in fact whenever there is killing of White Cloaks to be done Perrin is there. How very odd that this is the only time that it really occurs, or maybe piss poor planning, who knows, anyway the White Cloaks have a deathwish, as the Aiel tells Perrin "Today is a good day to die!" and goes Ninjamode style pulling on his veil. He pulls some Jet Li moves and people start dropping, I guess the White Cloaks are speedy as they are on Perrin too. He growls a ferrule growl and slices into them hating the axe the entire time it is dishing out heapings of death. Why does he hate the axe? Shit, it's keeping his sorry ass alive! I'd be happy I got that thing. Within the span of a minute or 2 all the White Cloaks are dead and the Aiel tears off promising Perrin 77 virgins upon reaching Nirvana if he ever sees him again. Great, Islamic Ninja Desert Warriors....

Perrin sees the dead people and runs to the Inn and Lan catches him and calls him a fucking moron and to go get their horses they are leaving, he calls him "boy" allot, kids will be kids with sharp sticks I say. He yells at Loiel to getup they are leaving and they grab their horses and skeedattle! They mount up and find the first boat heading out, called the Snuffy Owl or Snowy Fuzzbucket I forget, captain by Captain ShivermeBritches (does it ever fucking matter what the hell their names are? Too many==confusion?!? Ever thought of that there RJ?!!?) and right as they are about to leave a strange figure sprints onto the dock and leaps aboard, she says she wants to book passage and pays the Capt. his fare, why it's the woman from the Battered Houswife Inn! Holy Plot Conversion Batman! Morraine and Lan go downstairs and Perrin is left alone with the woman on deck, god only knows what's going through his mind wondering if he ever will touch a Booby! They talk and it turns out that she's a hunter for the horn as well and that she figures where someone goes with an Aes Sedai, a Warder, an Ogier, and a guy with Yellow eyes well mystery and adventure sure will happen to lead to the horn. This rational confuses Perrin as he hasn't had 3 hours to 'work things out' in his head and he grunts. The next conversation is classical idiotry by Perrin:

Perrin: What's your name
Her: Zareen Al Azeery Jalal Al Shaquanda but you can call me Mondarb
Perrin: HAHAHAHA YUO HAVE TEH NAME OF LAN'S HORSE HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Her: !@%!#%^%^!!!! [BLUSH] Well you can call me Zareen
Perrin: HORSEGIRL! HUH HUH HUH!!! I goto bed now, goodnite horsegirl!
Zareen: Well you can call me Zareen then or Faile which means falcon!
Perrin: [walking down the ladder falls and busts his head open] Damn Min warned me about a caged Aiel and a Falcon! [SOB]

Yes folks, Perrin is a moron, as much as we think he's a decent guy, I fully believe that if he were ever alone in the wilderness with a full steak dinner in front of him he'd starve to death.

Perrin goes to his cabin and falls asleep and dreams of a dead wolf called Hopper. Hopper leads him to a room where Baalzeman/Satan is meeting with some servants of his, one of them didn't keep Matt from leaving Tar Vallon so he rips his soul out and tosses it in an infernal blender. MMMM Puree Dark essence! Lanfear comes in and bitches that Satan is taking over her realm. Satan bitchslaps her and tells her that he better not have to remind her again that this is the Great Lord of the Dark 2k4 's [queue evil spooky music] room and that she better remember who she serves! She tells him that she serves the Great Lord of Inky Baddness and then Perrin is back in his body. He wakes up and goes to find Morainne.

He finds her sitting there reading and he tells her about his dreams. She the tells him that some Red Ajah sisters would most likely gentle him rather than find out how he can dreamwalk. Perrin gets all pissy about "Why do you say that when I tell you shit like this!" and she just nods her head like talking to a 4 yr old. He tells her about Zareen and he wonders why she is following him. Morainne says to him "Perrin you fucking moron, did you ever think that she might have the hots for you? You're a strapping studmuffin and some chicks lust for that." Blushing commences, I hope that Perrin's blood flows from his heart to his face causing it to explode like red fireworks. Perrin thanks her and goes back to his bed to jerk off to his Furry Wolf Cooter and dream of bestiality with Zareen.

Perrin is the next coming of Jeffrey Dahlmer...i sense it now.

WoT:PbP X

2004-06-26T16:06:00.000-05:00

And we turn 10 today! Hot diggity! Need to party like it's 1999. I guess putting in that I have "Hot XXX Pix of Kobe Bryant" worked. On with the update.

Egwene returns and tells the women "That is puzzling, the Amarylin told Els to tell us that. How odd, didn't know she truste her." They think that it's just something that Suon would do [Mental NOTE: Do not trust women in RJ to find their way out of a paperbag] so they venture to a dark part of the library and find the door locked. Egwene is about to open the lock and leave everything so it can be found like noone is there but Nynaeve's braid tugging must've worked as she breaks out the Crowbar of Bashing and splits the door off the wall. The find all the women who left the towers' bags and rummage through them. Bits and pieces of each sister point to Tyr the city that holds the golden sword Calandor, but it's a bit odd that 13 people who don't know each other would have lil clues laid out in their bags to be found for people who would find them missing. Skills in pointing out the obviousness that this is a trap elludes them so they rationalize (is that possible?!?!) that they must goto Tyr to spring this trap because they know that the Black Ajah knows what they know is not what they know, ya know? They agree that they must go but Elayne's mom must know that they are going on work for the tower and not to worry, but who will take this letter? Why Matt of course!

They barge into Matt's room, ask him sweetly to take this letter to Elayne's mom, Matt's response of "That fucking cracka ass cracka Amarylin is keepin' a brutha down!" inspires Egwene to give him her letter to let him do what he wants in the name of the White Tower. He starts packing immediately and the women scurry off to plan to depart.

While in the midst of cooking dinner the Amarylin comes in and is relayed the information by Nynaeve who is cursing and bitching that she knows that Elayne is involved and was going to be involved anyways. They are to be provided with money and supplies and will be said that their punishment will be increased and shipped off to a prison work camp. Suits them right!

Matt get's his stroll on out of the castle and knows he needs some serious gold before he can leave. So he hits up the first inn on the way, sees some brothas playing dominos and starts gambling...and winning allot. He goes to the next inn, they got spades, he cleans up, moves on. Sees another inn, they got some dice game, cries of "7 NIGGA PAY UP!" echo out the inn. He moves along, gambles, wins, moves along. He's loaded to the hilt with money and keeps paying out tips to girls telling them he likes their eyes, their smile, their ankles (no I ain't making this up) and eats and gambles. Finnally his luck runs out as he is being tailed, he scurries upto the rooftop and climbs over a bridge running between 2 buildings and is attacked by a souless! Matt does a triple barrelroll nosedive lundey and the guy lands with his dagger impaled in his chest. Man I wish that were even remotely possible while Matt was ontop of him and the dagger was on the other side of the guys body ARRGGHH!!!

Matt staggers into an inn, orders some Ye Olde Colt .45 and hears the telling of "Three kings meet a woman with Brains" and looks up and sees ole Tom Maryland! Tom's pissass drunk and when he stumbles over to Matt's table he tells him that he wants to drink himself into stupidity because his woman got killed and he killed someone for revenge. Finnally a character that works on vengence! Shame he was someone how miraculously placed here by FATE (or lack of creating another character). They gather their things once Matt says to Tom he can kill himself quicker in Camelyn and they go out to find a boat.

At the harbor they jump on the first boat leaving, bartering their way into the captain's room by giving him enough gold to keep a village warm for the winter. The captain gives him his stateroom and assures him that if they ever were to slaughter all Aes Sedai the High Lord Sammy would grant them a boon. "His words not mine ya know?" the captain says.

Matt and Tom attempt to pass out but Matt hears a noise, he awakens to find more assasins trying to kill him, the breaks off a piece of Samurai Jack action in them killing them both, then takin their cloak and telling the leader "Punk ass cracka is dead, you got my shit?" The other guy looks at him and says "Your not Bill!" and tries to kill Matt. Matt wonders why everyone doesn't think that he's black and wants to kill him and crushes the mans skull like a ripe watermelon. At the thought of watermelon Matt gets hungry and looks up to see some man with a sword about to run him through! The man twists and falls suddenly as a dagger point emerges from his chest and Tom's standing there naked posing for a nudist colony picture.

The captain wonders whats going on and Matt says "These men exist no longer captain for I have saved you from River Bandits." and slinks back into his cabin with the theme song from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly playing.

WoT:PbP IX

2004-06-25T08:54:00.000-05:00

Another day another drive another post. I had that song "Muthafucking P I M P!" by 50cent in my head during my drive for some odd reason.

Matt's wager against Galad and Gawyn met fierce resistance. They felt like they were taking advantage of a poor, sick, farmboy and didn't want to take his money. The Warder master at arms called them chicken shits and said he'll cover their bets if they are too scared to take on a boy with a stick. That was fine with Matt "bitches better have my money when I whoop their ASS!" was his thoughts. By now the pride of the 2 'princes' got the best of them and they agreed. 2 minutes later and with cries of "BITCHES CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU RIGGITY RIGGITY WRECK YOURSELF!" and "What does the staff to the face? {SMACK!}" by Matt and the boys are down and bleeding. Gawyn got his skull cracked and Galad had some bruised ribs and Matt nearly tore out his throat with a staff, appears that Matt used to be in Jean Claude Van Damme in an earlier life. He collects his money and staggers off to get his grub on as he is starved and none of the women are even paying him any attention after he beat the living shit out of Gawyn and Galad.

Egwene, Nynaeve, Elayne all comb over the documents that they got from Verrin regarding the Black Ajah. Nynaeve throws a tizzy about there not being anything 'important' in the documents while pulling her braid the entire fucking time. Doesn't anyone say anything about this to her?!?!?! They learn that the Aes Sedai that left came from all different lands, no 2 from the same country and no more than 2 from the same Ajah with the total of 13 sisters gone! Coincidence?!? 13 is the magical number it takes to still a woman or gentle a man, although I'd hardly call it gentling more like castrating to me. They recieve a message from that country bumpkin Els who tells them that the Aes Sedai's stuff is in a store room and that the message is from the Amarylin. They puzzle at this while Els runs away. Egwene goes and chases her and bumps into this tall black haired beautiul woman who makes her feel like she's got a big red scarlet A on her chest. "Who is this woman?" she wonders. ITS FUCKING LANFEAR DUMBASS! DONT YOU WOMEN TALK TO EACH OTHER BETWEEN BLUSHES AND SOBBINGS!????!!?! So she asks her if she's Els, Lanfear gives her the staredown and shoos her off and then disapears and Egwene is puzzled who that woman was {groan}. They put away their paperwork and go scrub pots and pans as punishment. Caning Robert Jordan use Caning as punishment! That way we don't have to sit through 200 pages of women scrubbing floors while Nynaeve spasms with her hair braid. Verrin almost blows her cover, what a flake, I know she works for Satan, she's as bad as Egwene for flakienes. Another Green sister keeps asking Egwene about joining green and all about "men, men, men, MEN!" Yes Green should be named the Kappa Wanna Banga Ajah.

More when I go home for boxing!

WoT: PbP VIII Update 1

2004-06-24T18:46:00.000-05:00

As we last left the Whore of Tar Vallon, Egwene was stepping into the last archway to her DOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!! All of sudden she is whisked away to some land and she is the new Amarylin Seat! Hot diggity! Not only is she now in charge of all the men, she's a Green ajah it appears, she's now in charge of all the women! So her first act that we see her do is sit down to court, and guess who she has to judge, that's right sportsfans, it's Rand, like you couldn't have guessed that. Elaida is shouting for him to be neutered or spayed or is that gentled, gotta be gentled as home slice doesn't have a pair on him.

So as cries for Egwene to sentence him ring out through the hall, Egwene refuses and she is attacked by her keeper and drug away. She awakens to find herself on a wooden table, naked, again for the upteenth time this day. I severly want to be in this world. The women run around naked 80% of the time and are dumber than a box of rocks, Win/Win I say. There are 13 Black Aes Sedai around her, some Half-Men, and she knows they are trying to turn off her connection to the one power. Honestly, if I was there and this hot ass woman was spread eagle on a table naked and unconcious and I was EVIL taking away the One True Power is the LAST thing on my mind, time to get my Swerve On! She screams, they look back at her, battle tactician that she is, channels the Myrdraal on fire and then escapes by having a cave-in on the door after getting out of it.

She runs back to her room, grabs some garb, finds out that they are gonna castrate Rand and she zooms off to save him. She sees him chained and they are sentancing him to death by gentling and before she can act she sees the Silver Arch appear and screaming/sobbing/blushing (sure why not add that) she plunges through it.

Back in the White Tower she has passed her test, she becomes Accepted and then is shipped off back to her room to read her notes but not before she suspects everyone of taking her stuff and flipping through it. No doubt, Elaida the Red was sniffing her panties and putting them on her head shouting "MMMMM COUNTRY FRESH SCENT!" before finishing the ceremony. Appears that there was a glitch in the Matrix, I mean, arches as something coulda happened to kill Egwene, could it have been that cockring? Unknown! But Egwene blushes anyway.

She travels to Nynaeves chamber and she sees Elayne bawling her eyes out with Nynaeve petting her shoulder saying "Good girl, no cookie" and then she turns to Egwene, and like fucking clockwork, the floodgates open and she starts sobbing like fucking Mount St. Helens had just erupted and Nynaeve has 2 sobbing women on her skirts while she consoles him while they talk about killing Rand, marrying Rand, having babies with Rand, driving Rand insane, doing a Three-some with Rand and a donkey, and various other acts.

I have come to the conclusion by now that the women in this story have what I will call the 3 Phases of Robert Jordan's Women. These are the 3 possible states/mood/phases that women are always in in this book at one time or another.

1. Weeping: They cry, over something, over spilled milk, over a fucking splinter, over seeing Rand do a backflip. Pick something, instant tearbath.

2. Blushing: They blush, they blush when a man's name is mentioned, they blush when they read a book, they blush when they see the sun come up and then turn beat fucking red when the moon rises.

3. Pissed the fuck off: They are mad, mad at life, mad at the cow that just shit in their path, mad that the hem of their dress is cut, made that Rand still hasn't popped their cherry, pick something.

Another corrollary is the 3 Phase Shift which indicates that a woman can be 2 of the 3 phases but not all 3 at once.

Example: Nynaeve tries to come up to Lan and tell him that she wants his manbabbies right then and there and to mount her like he does the horse and ride her like the wind. When he stares at her and tells her "I do not wish to give you a funeral shrowd as a wedding present." she goes through phase 2 and 3 but will not enact 1 until she is alone.

These principles have held true througout these 3 books and for the life of me I highly doubt they will change. I think RJ's wife was going through menopause and everytime he got shit, these women just decided to randomly to a Phase Shift and there we have it. Now back to the story.

Matt wakes up and decides it's time to get his game on, so he ices his ass out, throws the bling in the grill, and saunters down where his guard homies are. I keep picturing Vanilla Ice going up to a group of Compton thugs and saying "What's up dawg" everytime I see him talk to people. The guards tell him "That's nice boy, get your ass on outta here as you ain't getting into the city." Seeing as how his game has been dealt a blow he throws down some gangsigns with a "2 RiVa Soldah!" and stalks off to find some bitches, cause he's got a pocket full of rubbers and his homeboys do too (ooh ah ooh ah!).

He sees some girl he met back in book 1, a farm girl named Dell (so unworthy of any Sub-character status) and says "What's up my sweet ivory princess, you wanna have some chocolate in that cup o'milk?" she gives him the eye of "Is he really black or just fucking stupid?" and tells him to step on off. Matt gives her the "'s all good woman! all good!" and goes over to the practice field to see Gawyn and Galad sparring with a Warder teacher. He sits down sees all the hot women gawking over Galad and mumbles "Shit, if them bitches don't know what they be missin' over HEREAH!" and he breaks out some rocks and starts juggling them while practicing his new beat pattern. Gawyn and Galad see him when they break and come over and say hi. They ask him how he is with the sword and he responds "Shit, you don't see this nigga breakin' out with that shiny shit? Fuck that! I got me a fucking BIG STAFF that fucks shit up! Ya dig?!" and he grins. They obviously think he's talking about a quaterstaff here, and it appears that they think that he thinks that he's got the galls to say they don't know what they are doing with the sword.

CONT...

WoT:PbP VIII

2004-06-24T07:28:00.000-05:00

Big update, went home late, too tired to post, hope I remember all the shit that went down...how can I forget the braid tugging....

Nynaeve and Egwene head back to their cells after being dismissed from Sheriam's sight. When going back to their rooms they stop by Elayne to check in on her. They find her there with her brother Gawyn and her half-brother Galad.

Sub-Characters:

Gawyn: Elaynes' full brother by way of his mother Queen of Andor. Decent boy, slightly mischievous, seems a normal fellow really. Probably eats live bats and burns babies alive in his free time but for now he's got a hard on for Egwene. He is next in line to be Prince-General-Commander-Fuhrer of the Armies of Andor. He's gotta be about 18-20 age like the rest of the people surrounding Egwene. Training to be a Warder.

Galad: Ahhhh this guy, I hate this fucker on principle alone. He's a goody tooshoes, no not just because he does 'right', but because he ALWAYS does 'right'. He would tell on you for taking a biscuit to feed your starving baby as you were a robber and betrayer of the 'light' or some such nonsense. He's the pretties prince of the whole land and all the women go back to night and pray to be buggered by him. Secretly he likes seeing boys naked and rubbing his body down with Axel grease and then pretending he is a giant gerbil in 4-way gay enema session, but he keeps that bottled up by doting on Egwene. This goes to prove my point that Egwene is either a cocktease or a whore, take your pick. Another training to be a Warder.

Both of them are pissed off that Elayne torn out of the White Tower without telling them, mother scolded them pretty badly and promised to take away their toys if they didn't find Elayne. So they inquire about helping them out, Nynaeve gives them the Stone Cold Staredown and they get the hint after she promises to show everyone where Gawyn goes at nite to find birds to torture and Galad's obsession with the men's bath houses. Egwene and Nynaeve then go into great detail to Elayne about helping out hunt down the Black Ajah after the Amarylin told them "Don't tell anyone or I'll kill you." But who said that the women in this story were bright? In walks Elaida, the red sister who consuls Elayne's mom and questions them, but they don't tell her jack shit and Sheriam busts in on their session with a summons down to where they are healing Matt.

Now while they are walking down there, Sheriam tells them sternly "Don't say anything, Don't try to help, Don't even attempt to interfere with this as you can kill him." So they get dragged down into the bowels of the White tower and see Matt on a table and a bunch of powerful women surrounding him. The 'healing' begins and Matt starts garbling in what appears to be a mixture of Spanish, Haitian, and Ebonics ranting and raving about "Kill all Aes Sedai, no meat for an Aes Sedai!" So what do the 'girls' think about this? Oh they all whisper about 'saving' him from this as he is in soooooo much pain. Gah! Cane them all and teach them to be disciplined and not trying to butt in all the fucking time! So he's healed and the women all want to go over and hug and hold him but the Aes Sedai shoo them off rolling their eyes at them for being morons.

Matt wakes up and has a vision that he was a big ole General leading an army charging down the hill slaughtering Trollocks. He seems to think that he remembers this too well every though the only time he had to fight was when his sister wouldn't give it up like his Da told him she would. Bitch had too black eyes for being reminded twice! He's hungry and he devours food while wondering where he is and he's in the White Tower he rationalizes by all the white stone (go figure!) and in comes Suon the Amarylin. She questions him and he plays dumb and says "I don't want to be a meat puppet for the Aes Sedai!" Suon gives him the ole "Don't be a snook weeding through the reeds while evading the lionfish! YAR!" speech and he agrees that she's right and he blushes, blushes, blushes. Can't we get something besides reddening instead of blushing? Can't we say "Matt is so pissed off at her that his face reddens with the sheer thought of ripping off her head and moutning it on a spear"? Go along way to making these boys seem like anything besides the next 'Men Who Blush!' cover story on Vogue. She tells him that he can't go far as his name and face are plastered over town and that appears to cramp his style.

I might start trying to picture Matt as a Gangsta next time so that when he says "Blood and Bloody ashes!" it would sound like "Shiiit nigga!" or "MuthaFucka fuckin' fucka!" and prolly picture him with the 2-pac bandanna around the head, but is he a Blood or a Crypt? Going for Blood here as it's all about the Blood in being a "2 Riva's Soldah!"

So Matt bitches about his life being all done in by the Aes Seadai and controlled and manipulated and [insert Rand-like bitchfest here about women ruling their lives] and starts hatching a plot to get the fuck outta there.

[NOTE: This parts a lil hazy as I hadn't had my coffee this AM and I might be missing something, but it's probably another braid-pulling session or male-whinefest or perhaps Suon putting on a bridle and harness on Verrin and shouting "YIPPIE KAY AY AY!" while hanging fish guts as a hair weave.]

Egwene is summoned to Verrin's studies so wanders off down the hallway of the insane builder of the Brown Ajah's hall. Looks like Alfred Hitchcock designed it as it's all rambling and passages going off this way and that and just goes to prove that the Brown is either the most insane or the laziest. Too busy filming the next "Aes Sedai Gone Wild 2k4!" video apparently. Egwene goes in and Verrin asks her about her dreamwalker abilities. Egwene blushes (As if we didn't see this coming) and then tells her what she knows. Verrin gives her a stone [cock]ring and tells her to wear that to help her in her abilities to dreamwalk. Sheriam comes in and hurries off Egwene for her final testing to be Accepted.

Egwene goes down to the hellhole that is the Accepted proving grounds. Personally I would've thought it was some great area to see how long Egwene could be paddled for by all the Aes Sedai while they are in their robes and nighties chanting prayers to the "GREAT WHITE LIGHT!" but instead she must go through 3 arches which test for "What Was, what Is, what Will Be." First test Egwene goes through after being stripped down naked, no it does happen I swear, she sees her life as a Trailer house wife breeding out for Rand's brood while he goes insane. She of course wants to pop out babies by the dozen and so when Ran flips out and she sees the way to go back she has to go back weeping. Darn, guess she misses the White Trash existence. Door #2: Egwene views the Andorian capital in ruins and she sees Rand trapped under a mound of rubble. She says she can help him but she needs help and he says "Bitch Kill me pleassse I luuuvvvv YOU!" and he tries to get a dagger to stab himself in the heart, again he's insane. She sees the portal and flees weeping [sensing a pattern here? Rand goes nuts Egwene weeps, someone was watching allot of episodes of Cops while writing this].

Portal #3 to come!

WoT:PbP VII

2004-06-23T07:10:00.000-05:00

Small update, not much going on so far, more braid tugging on Nynaeves' part, I guess that's practice for bobbin' on Lan's nobbin' as by now she must be looking like she's having seizures!

We join the women of the White Tower just as they are getting an earful of what stupid bitches they are for letting themselves get caught by the (SHOCKER!) BLACK Ajah and suckered off to go somewhere else. Supposedly there are 7 Ajah Blue, Red, Green, Yellow, Brown, White, Peppermint, Indigo, and Mango or something along those lines. Perhaps another day I'll cover them some more but so far after 3 fucking books we don't have a complete picture of all the colors, although Mango does sound appropriate. Suon berates the women further for leaving, going to who knows where doing god knows what, putting their "trout snares out when they should be thinking of silverpike lures! YAR!" and so forth. She tells them that not only do they have a shitstorm around them but the Black (GASP!) ajah have fled the tower with ter'angreal and 13 sisters after murdering some people. So what type of punishment do they get? Well they get promoted to full Accepted, one step above Bitch-Slave level, and they have to hunt down the Black Ajah and find them out. Suon gives Egwane and Nynaeve each a letter and a pat on the ass with a helpful "Remember to set the paddle in the water using the downward spirals to keep the redfish from sensing the water in flow!" and sends them on their way. The letter is a writ for them to whatever they want in the Amarilyns' name, signed and noted. Man I would be having a field day with that shit! Find the hottest Green Sister and get a 3 way action with her and maybe a Blue and have the Brown record it! BooYah!

While Nynaeve and Egwene are contemplating what to do next on their way to their rooms they are attacked by a crossbow bolt. Again, divine inspiration follows these people, Egwene stops and it nicks her ear and hair while impacting into the stone behind them. They find the culprit and stun him and when they locate him they find he's got a dagger in his heart! How'd that happen??!?! Up comes Sheriam to see what the hell is going on and she touches the man and shrieks in pain. Both Nynaeve and Egwene give her a "WTF is this bitches problem?" and Sheriam says "This is one of the soulless a Gray Man. He's an assassin for the Dark Lord!" Great, now we've got soulless assassins who can sneak in under Aes Sedai radar as they can't be found, I am waiting for my Dinosaur Pirate Ninjas next, it's coming! Don't disappoint me RJ! Egwene goes back to look for the crossbow bolt but it's gone! She returns to find Nynaeve questioning Sheriam, no doubt digging for Black ajah but Sheriam tells them to get lost before she takes a switch to their hide. I keep hearing about this switching, I wonder if it's like people getting caned in Thailand. I know you crack that fucker across someone and they are going to feel it for WEEKS on end. I pray to whatever powers that be that we can hear about these 3 women getting caned. I would have new found respect for the Aes Sedai then!

WoT:PbP VI Dream a lil dream of me...

2004-06-22T12:55:00.000-05:00

Called in 'sick' today. I was dying, yes, dying on my death bed, ignore the sunburn and the new haircut, death is calling me so I had to drive around to see my last sights before death takes me...or something in bikinis.

As we last left our helpless Wolfboy Perrin in the clutches of dreams he is seeing people dying in the them and the wolves are telling him "Um hey there fellow with a hair colored yellow, what you trying to prove?" when he starts nosing around in peoples dreams. He meets up with Lanfear, but of course he doesn't know who she is, and then the wolves bite him in the balls to get him to wake up. He then sees that he is coated in blood and checks his pants, yup Mr. Winkey is still in one piece, but we all know he doesn't know how to use that. He then tries to go back to sleep and not dream, but once again he nods off to nightmares. Hasn't anyone ever invented Ye Old Crank or Magic Crysal Meth yet?

We find that Rand has learned how to channel better now, practices on obliterating a dog into atoms. He giggles like a 7 yr old after discovering that sticking cats in microwaves==fun times. He then rants about heading to Tyr, where his purty sword is so that he can RULE THE WORLD! and such. He's walking not riding now, who the fuck knows why he does that. Prolly this who taveren thingy that makes all the horses go insane if he touches them or something. Overall, Rand's on his way to becoming the next Sociopathic Ruler of the World v 2.0. Calligula would be proud!

We cut on over to the ladies travelling to the White Tower. Egwane, Nynaeve, Verrin, Elayne accompanying Matt, who is about dead, and Hurron who'd rather be anywhere but there as they keep checking out his ass but he keeps telling them that he had eyes only for Ingtar, the Shainarans are close we know. They get stopped by a group of Klansman White Cloaks who think that 4 women is too good a chance to but them bitches back in the kitchen where they belong Souther Style! So when the leader approaches who is Dain Bornhold, son of the guy who led the cavalry charge against the Seanchan in the last book (picture custer leading his charge against Sherman tanks) tries to get them to cowheel to his needs, Egwane blasts out with a "NEVER BE CAPTURE AGAIN!" and causes volcanic earth gysers to appear scattering them. Of course Verrin is pissed as she coulda talked them out of it and Egwane give Dain the whole schpeal of "We came from Phalma, we saw much, your daddy was there?" and Dain gets to carve them a new one while Verrin looks like she's about to throw the girls in a sack and drown them. I would, woulda saved a helluva lot of time to kill one to have the others learn a lesson, but I'm a cruel teacher. They ride on thinking they did nothing wrong, ahh the folly of stupid women in fantasy novels.

OH! and we have found the source and starting point of Nynaeve's hair pulling. She sits there on her fucking horse, PULLING ON HER FUCKING BRAID! DAY IN AND OUT THATS ALL SHE DOES PULL ON HER FUCKING BRAID BECAUSE SHE IS NERVOUS OR MAD OR WANTS TO LOB OFF HER HEAD! I post in caps because I remember the later books and she does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and it drives me batshit. WHY? Because for some unholy reason it makes her mad and able to channel, like giving Wally Cleaver a shotgun and telling him "It's ok to kill Beaver, he's a naughty lil boy, the other kids too." I know I am not alone in this.

At Tar Vallon Egwane, Nynaeve, and Elayne all get asigned to lockdown as they can't keep their fucking mouths shut. Why must all the women want to prattle on about everything. So Verrin goes and sees Suon Sanchay, not to be cofused with the Nazi Seanchan, I think RJ decided that he like the name and tried to squeeze it into both and his wife forgot to edit it.

New Sub-Character:

Suon Sanchay: Leader of the Aes Sedai/Amarylon/HBIC. She grew up fishing and was her daddy's first 'mate' on board his ship, she talks on and on about fish references and sailing terms. Suprised she doesn't shout "YAR!" allot. I know I would. She's relevant as she leads the Aes Lesbians into the next coming of Christ..I mean the Dragon Reborn era.

So Verrin relates her tale to Suon about Rand being Jesus and gonna blowup the world and that he fought Satan overhead in the battle of Phalma and that everyone is rallying behind him now. Suon then informs Verrin that "a fisher king nips at the pikefish throughout the net of the river trout YAR!" which equates to "I already know that bitch, gimme something I can workwith". So the other False Dragons are captured or killed on the same day that Rand declared he was the Dragon Reborn 2k4 and all is inline with their plans to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Suon goes on about her information explaing that "Lionfish in the dens of Netcatchers tear apart boats and paddles like they were seaweed! YAR!" and tells Verrin that she wants to deal with the 3 'runaways' (oh lord) now. I sense 30 pages of crying, weeping, hugging, and then lesbian makeup sex with Suon in a Wetsuit with a Buoy shaped dildo telling Nynaeve, Elayne, and Egwane "Avast there hard to starboard! Shove the keelhaul in the gangplank! Yar!"

WoT:PbP V Update 1

2004-06-21T19:38:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate traffic, and I fucking hate filler and that's what this fucking chapter(s) feel like a shitload of filler.

So the Group of Lan, Moiranne, Perrin, and Loiel go out tromping around the fucking flaming fucking wilderness looking and searching for fucking shithead Rand. Stupid redhead cocksucker is waaayyy ahead of him and we here this over and fucking over. I swear to the bloody virgin mary that I will personall, if god grants me the strength, to rip out these pages from every fucking book and burn them. Meanwhile, we learn that Moiranne has no idea how to catch fish and Perrin and Loiel teach her. "Fishing? Isn't that interesting" like a fucking 18 yr old retarded kid who learns he has a penis and what it's used for besides sticking it in a jar of Mayo.

We come upon a village where Rand is and guess the fuck what? Lot's of wierd shit is going on, marriages are occuring like wildfire, people going batshit, white cloaks declaring that they like women and don't like being buggered by their bosses, Cat's and Dogs living together, mass hysteria, end of the world. Ok that last bit I stole from Ghostbusters but the rest is god's honest truth, who am I kidding. About 20 solid fucking minutes of this prattle while I am stuck behind some shithead who can't drive over fucking 30 in the left lane. This is why god invented guns.

The innkeepers bitch servant has a kookie brother he wants Moiranne to look at, Perrin drags her ass down to see the Gimp and looky looky we got hooky it's a guy just like Perrin, with YELLOW EYES (GASP) and he's gone completely to the wolves (DOUBLE GASP) and Perrin goes nutty mumbling about "Wolves, running, blood, dancing, running on the hills, meat, blood, must remove fur lined panties..." while blood streams down his nose. Moiranne tries to help him while fatboy innbitch looks on. Turns out the boy is too far gone into happyland so they decide to free him into the wilderness to rape and pillage on his lonesome. How sweet of them, they've got their PETA membership cards don't they?

So Perrin goes upto Moiranne's room and instead of seeing if it's smooth all over he asks her if he's going to go wacko jacko like lupinboy. She sighs at him, prolly in the midst of changing her MonsterVibe ter'angreal batteries and tells him "Maybe". "How bout I shove my axe down your throat and then twist and pop your fucking head off and bathe in your blood for a MAYBE!" Perrin shouts. No he doesn't, no male character has a ballsack on them, he just mutters about "Aes Sedai never tell it to you straight." and then she goes on about how deadly his dreams are as wolves talk and work in dreams.

So Perrin vows to never fall asleep and dream of wolves, just like he vows to never talk with wolves, and prolly vows that he will finally ask Rand how he gets all the bitches while he is at it. Perrin better keep track of all his vows, and then he passes out and dreams...about wolves.....

WoT:PbP V

2004-06-21T07:15:00.000-05:00

fucking road construction sucks for me, good for all 3 of my readers ,mom and dad I love you but it's ok you don't have to read, honest.

We left off with Perrin stomping off to meet Rand in a glade in the middle of some forest in god knows where doing god knows what. He's standing amongst the trees mumbling stuff about "99 bottle of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer, take one down set it on fire, strap Aes Sedai to carts and flog them with a tire iron..." Perrin asks if everything is OK with Rand, and Rand responds "Yup, everythig is hunky dorey! Watch this!" and then the mountain goes all topsy turvey like an earthquake is happening. Perrin falls on his ass and Rand stands there in a trance surfing the shockwaves like he's hanging 10 in Hawaii. Perrin, of course, can't get too mad at Rand, calls him a fool and moves to see Moiranne.

Perrin finds them in a hut, she's busy with the tinker woman and still can't be disturbed. I am sure Lan is on this action as no doubt a Tinker is hella easier to break off a piece from than Nynaeve. So Perrin sits with Min and Min gives him the "I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" and "Why does Rand doesn't Rand love me?! I should leave him!" schpeal and Perrin says "Um ok, but you can so why don't you go?" Of course this is like talking to a white trash housewife with 4 kids, living in a trailer, and the hubby asks "You'll love me more everytime I beat you" and seeing if she goes. And as always Min cannot leave Rand, on no, she LUUUUVVVSSS him. Why? Who the fuck knows. Somehow in the last few hundred pages of the last 2 books Min has gone all mushy for him because she Sees Dead People. Yeah, ok. RJ secretly wishes he was Rand or maybe since his wife edits his books perhaps he's hinting at something for her to maybe bring in her sister who makes the purple dresses that look so good with his sequin pumps? Dunno.

Perrin, goes to bed, dreams of wolves and swords and get's all uppity about it. He believes that talking to wolves is a bad thing. Correct me if I am wrong but if you can control packs of wolves as big as small ponies who would die for you you wouldn't want that power??? He awakens to hear the cry of Lan shouting "Trollocks in the Camp!" and with Perrin's ears being what they are hears him mumble "And I was JUST about to get mine too!" Battle ensues Perrin rushes out in his nightie and starts hacking apart Trollocks and in the midst he starts communicating with the wolves that come in and rip the critters to bits. Perrin charges upto Moirannes cabin to save the Tinker woman and out comes a Fade/Half-man/Neverborn {Please give me more names to confuse myself!} The Tinker woman rushes out the cabin to save Perrin. Right, a barely clothed woman, tries to get in the midst of a one on one duel with some mega bad guy and another guy that looks like Conan with an axe to help him. Of course the enevitable happens, like you couldn't see this coming, and the Fade says "Bitch check yourself!" and lobs off her head. This causes Perrin/Young Bull/Kevin Costner to fly into a wolven fury (I made teh funney!) and tears the Fade a new asshole. He then charges down the hill to fuck shit the fuck up! Go Perrin! Be one with the wolves oh Bull Who Fucks Shit Up! Of course this being a true title in true wolven/RJ fashion I can't say that. It's Bull Who Storms Down Hills Through Trees Across Moonlit Water in the Dead of Night with Scent of Pine Cones Through Strong Winter Breeze Amongst the Rushes of Rivers Flowing From Mountains Freshly Melted by Snow from Winter Sun Gleaming Upon High. There we go, much better. Tor get that contract ready!

After the battle, Perrin goes to find Rand. He finds him in the same place he left him earlier, mumbling out loud "Don't touch my Swingling stapler, I'll set the building on fire, I'll burn them all" and all around Rand is burning trees. Rand whines that he wanted to help but couldn't control THE ONE P0Wr! and set everything else on fire instead. Perrin calls him a little bitch and tells him to do what he's gotta do and Rand starts talking about "Blood, Blood, Blood for the Blood God!" and in storms Moiranne and Lan who sees Rand bleeding, somehow they see it while Rand is wearing a Blood Red velvet coat they spot him bleeding, and Moiranne heals him, faints and Rand passes out.

Perrin wanders back, swearing that he will never ever be Young Bull who Dances with Wolves again, and sees Min. Min warns him about meeting a beautiful woman, and Perrins dim witted mind jumps to the conclusion (shock!) that she wants to geterdone doggy style! He tells her that "Um, baby, I um, like, um, what I mean to say, is um sister like love, stuff ya know, ummerrr um..." Min of course responds "Moron! I love Rand, not you! Stop thinking with your dick!" and storms off. This of course leads to many hours of blushing, shirking, and weeping by Perrin, sobbing "If only Rand told me his secret with Women, If ONLY I KNEW!" and goes back to his cabin to put the spiked doggy collar on and suck his thumb.

In the morning Perrin wakes up, swearing furiously that he won't be the doggy again, and goes to see Moiranne. Loiel is there with Lan. They found a note by Rand:

Dear Devoted Disciples of Me,
I had to go away now because noone would let me set stuff on fire, and everyone is cramping my style. So since
I can't get any action alone here, I've decided to go off on my own, and not tell you where I am going.
Duty is like a diaper, it's full of shit, but I gotta wear it.

Hugs and Smoochies,
Rand "The Dragon Reborn XP" Al' Thor

This sets the Aes Sedai into a tizzy. She of course was looking for a lil morning action from the Tinker and her Toys but she's dead and Lan's gone all longing for Nynaeve. They make plans to ride out and hunt down Rand but inspiration occurs "Let's divide forces!" she says. She ships off Min to Tar Vallon to talk to the Head Bitch In Charge, Uno (maybe make him sub-character later) a Shainaran off to some corner of the fucking planet that is barely mentioned to see if Rand goes there, and then the rest will hunt down Rand. They gather their shit and begin the trek of The Great Hunt of the Dragon Reborn! Didn't he just use that title?

WoT:PbP IV Update 1

2004-06-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

The wheel of time turns and the pattern weaves as the pattern wills and the seats of the bus go up and down, up and down up and down!

Have to work on a Saturday so that means another trip, another post and we start Book 3: The Dragon Reborn or Rand Drops a Nut!

New Sub-Characters:

Perdon Nail: He is the Grand High Lord Captain Wizard of the Children of the Light aka White Cloaks aka Those Who Wear White Sheets. He has plans upon plans about having his organization rule the world of WoT and all by him. Picture him built like Magneto from X-men with all the characteristics of a man seen his plans go awry but refocusing and redeploying assets. Yeah he's a 'good' bad guy and worthy of Sub-Character status as he is done in other books too.

We open up back in Atlanta, I mean Amador, where we have the KKK/White Cloaks HQ and being told the story of what just happened when we left Book 2: The Great Hunt with the NorthSide Shinarans. We hear one of the soldiers telling Perdon Nail that it's all Perrins' fault that a few hundred white cloaks died, that Rand was there, and that everyone is a darkfriend and when he can get his cookie. Perdon takes the info, wonders if he can toss this idiot out the balcony and summons another member of the Klan: A Inquisitor of the Light! He berates this guy for fucking up his plans and then goes on to tell him that he needs to keep Rand ALIVE (GASP!) and not kill him but kill all Aes Sedai with him. The Inquisitor looks like he's about to have a heart attack but agrees and leaves.

In from the shadows comes Ordreth or WyrmShit in Amador tongue. Guy somehow has all the downlow on Rand and his Krew but keeps nasally calling them 'darkfriends' like somehow he got kicked in the ass by Rand and then they laughed at him. Turns out that this guy is Padan Fain just with another name, I am sure anyone reading the last 2 could've found that out. He's now got the White Cloaks as his new patron and doesn't plan on letting Rand get away. I am sure he'll go back to his chamber, jerk off, and cry aloud "WHERE O WHERE IS MY RUBY DAGGER!!! MOMMY!"

Back to the Inquisitor, and discover that he's a big dark friend and that he's been naughty and not nice for ole Satan Claus! He then receives orders to kill Rand within a month and remembers that he was just ordered to keep him alive for a month by his boss Perdon but Satan says 'OBEY ME OR I KILL YOUR FAMILY!' which is a change since he usually just stomps around telling people he'll kill them if they don't serve him and those that do he kills them or their family. So the Inquisitor is up shit creek without a paddle.

We float onward on the seas of insanity over to the Dragon Reborn's base camp. Seems Morainnes' been having people come and go and they are all women. No doubt her supply of batteries has run out on her 9 inch ter'angreal MonsterVibe and only the women can bring it. Perrin as always does the bitch work to go out and get the women that come in and refuses to talk to the wolves that he can. Shit, give me the power to talk to wolves and I'll be the richest bastard alive! He bitches about that for a bit and when they meet a Tinker (read: Ghandi peace lovers who won't fight but would rather die if you tried to stab them) and he tries to tell her about how being violent is Cool and that she is so out of touch with reality. I really don't think any guy who blushes when he sees a BOOBY can say shit about being out of touch with reality. He leads her back to camp blushing and fuming and prolly going to curl up in a ball while floggin himself with a collar on sobbing "I'm a good doggy, yes a very good doggy!"

More when I drive home from hell!

WoT:PbP IV And so it ends Book2!

2004-06-19T07:47:00.000-05:00

Last drive home was a ballbreaker. Left work late and stuck in traffic for 2 hrs from 9pm-11pm. Barely remembered who I was after listening to the completion of the story of Book 2. It may not be in correct order but I am organizing it by plot on this one as I am still laughing mentally at some idiot that tried to cut infront of a semitruck for 10 min straight while traffic was merging and then flicking them off and then all of a sudden a bunch of trucks appeared around this guy and just crept along slloooowwww. Mental note: Never piss off a trucker in a traffic jam.

We left off with Nynaeve, Elayne, Min, and Egwane all teaching each other that putting collars that cause other women not to channel is good and to make sure the double-headed butterfly vibrator attachment is good. In comes Egwanes Suldam and she pounces on her (RAWR!) and puts the collar on her. She then begins to enact her vengence on her by strapping on the bracelet and lets her feel what she's been feeling for the last few weeks (?!??!). She begins to enact the pain session from Night Moves IX: Pain is Her Friend and then stops and starts weeping telling Nynaeve she can't do it. All the women agree that these Dominatrix bitches are lowlier than shit on a stick and that they need to be expunged off the face of the planet but they decide to hug and then leave them there all collared up so they can be found later. Wow, what vengence remind me to piss them off whenever I meet them next. I might have to smack them a few times but at least I'll get a handjob on the makeup session!

The women run outside to find 2 100 man platoons of Seanchan coming at them from 2 directions. It is commented that "Look they don't know about us let's run!" but instead of just doing the obvious, Egwane says "ITS TIME TO MAKE THESE BITCHES PAY!" and she throws up earthquakes and tornados and guess what? Yup the Seanchan retaliate by launching fireballs at them. They flee, it pisses off Nyanaeve and she blasts them with lightning bolts while all the women seperate and then look up and see a DragonBall Z fight raging in the clouds.

Over to the Horn Coast Raiders we find that they manage to track the horn down to the palace of the Seanchan Fuhrer. They decide that instead of going in the front they'll invade from the back. They all hop over the wall, kill a few guards and sneak into the house. Matt tracks down the dagger picks it up and the horn and all of a sudden guess who shows up? Herr Seanchan Samurai and his merry men! A battle rages on after Matt stabs some guy with the dagger and the guy turns into a big steaming pile of black death. Everyone but Rand decides to fight their way out but Rand decides to go for the Big Bad Evil Guy of the day and do his signature sword moves on him. Ya know counter Bull Meets Leaf with Ruby Dashing Pond Willow followed by a Flamingo Green Lemon parries Leopard Strikes Bookshelf. I think there is a program that RJ uses that randomly asigns names to these moves and he just tags a swing of Jim Bean and says "WoooHOOO doggy! What we gonna call this next one!?!? {PRESS ENTER}" Rand wins and the party retreats outside to an alley.

Here in this dark alley when they got the horn, they got the horses, they go the dagger, patrols may or may not be coming. Ingtar reveals that he is gay and that he's got the manlove for Rand like he wouldn't believe. Rand hears him say he's a darkfriend instead, he's insane you know Rand is, and comforts Ingtar while Ingtar charges off to die in a blaze of flaming glory while the party escapes to the hills overlooking Phalm(a).

The group gets to the top of a hill looks over and Rand starts having a panic attack of "Gotta go back, my girl is there, got to save her, pattern incomplete, all not together, 76 pencils, my name is Raymond.." over and over again. Not only that but it looks like the White Cloaks are advancing on the town in a slow "We are modeled after British troops marching in line to die" march while the Seanchan stare at them laughing and then bombard them with fireballs and death machines. Matt says "Fuck it, we got nothing to lose" and blows the Horn of Valere.

Out comes smoke and fog and the White Cloaks keep dying stupidly in a charge up to the town and the Heroes of Legend (TM) come and serve the horn blower, but Rand tells them what to do anyway. Basically he says "Kill them Seanchan then help me find my girl, I love her, but she can't be mine, but there's others, 348 staples {drool}" and the Heroes: King Arther, Red Sonja, Conan, and Sinbad all go off to do battle under the banner of the Dragon Reborn that is held high after wiping Rand's chin off with when they looked for a bib.

Does Rand fight? Oh no! He get's teleported overhead to look at the battle on high and who does he fight? SATAN! {DUM DUM DUHHHH!!!!} We rehash everything that Shaitan/Baazelman/Strawberry Shortcake say for the last 2 books: "Serve me or die, don't serve me and die, You will bow or die, die, die, die" is about 10 pages or so of text speach for Baazelman while Rand has an epleptic seisure and keeps telling him: "Nope, not gonna do it, no, no, wouldn't be prudent at this juncture, bad man go away!" They fight and it appears whomever wins this wins the battle below for they are linked as Satan is linked to the Seanchan and Rand to his Rough Riders! And you thought I was joking about that Nazi connection to Satan!?!??!

The battle overhead draws to a close as Rand begins his Prace Like a Pony stance to draw Baazelman to strike at him. We get another DragonBall Z 5 minute speach that "YOU ARE GONNA DIE! YOU'RE POWER LEVEL IS 10 BAJILLION TERRAQUADS! SERVE ME OR DIE!" deal and then he attacks Rand with his staff in the side and Rand stabs him in the heart.

We cut away to see Rand being cuddled by Min in an abandoned building in the town who is trying to give Rand a rubdown but in comes Selene who happens to be LanFear another one of Satan's followers! Min tries to get all "Bitch Checkyourself!" on Lanfer but shrinks in fear as Lanfear says "He's mine whore! My baby's daddy from 3000 years ago! And he's gonna stay it!" and marks him with the symbol of the Dragon and then vanishes. So in busts Egwane and Elayne all hot and bothered that Min is about to mount up and perform her own versio of Lonely Ranger Meets the Sheep on Rand and tells them off that "Hey I gotta get my own time as you don't want him!" and they all agree and hug and Min wonders "Don't they know that there's more?"

So Rand wakes up finds that Moirainne and Lan are back in town and that he's all pissed off that people are calling him the Dragon reborn and that he is tired of being used and blah blah blah whine whine blah. She tells him to sack up and do your duty and stop whining. It of course does no good but he goes outside, the woun on his side is still raw from where Satan gave him a pokey, and finds that the Shinarians all want to pledge their loyalty to Rand as he's the Oathbreaker and they don't want to travel home anyway as it's too far and the pussy's better on this side of the world anyway. So Rand can either accept them as the followers of the Dragon reborn or go back to being a whiney bitch. So Rand MAKES HIS CHOICE!

Final cutscene of one of the White Cloaks riding back to Atlanta to report to the Grand Wizard that it's all a clusterfuck and it's Perrin's fault for it. Who the fuck knows how he got that conclusion but that's what he's telling the captains son as well as delivering a letter to the Grand Wizard.

So for all 9 people who looked at this page lately ( i know I tried refreshing from 7 different places damnitt!) we complete book 2: The Great Hunt! Book 3 starts up today and prolly have an update later tonite!

WoT:PbP III

2004-06-18T08:50:00.000-05:00

North again into the beyond!

So we got ourselves a lil disasterbacle going on. Appears that Rand and his Krew of Eomonds Field Gangstas strolled up into a town to get their know-on and find the DL on the shizit that was happening with the Seanchans gang. (I watched The shield Season finale last nite can't ya tell?) So who all shows up just as the party is just about to find out? The White Cloaks! Make way for the Spanish Inquisition!

Who are the White Cloaks? Well they pretty much are the people who say "Do you believe in Jesus?" If you say yes they torture you. Then they ask you again, and if you say no they kill you and say "See he doesn't believe in the Light (Jesus), told you so!" and move on. Basic people out to be used as those who think they are righteous and mighty and will kill all the Aes Sedai and those that don't believe in Jesus. I compare them to Southern Baptists except with swords, horses, and big flags...KKK anyone?

So the party flees for the hills and one of the commanders sees Perrin and remembers that he slaughtered 2 of his fellow klansman and says "Fuck 'em! We gonna get ourselves some Seanchan and hang 'em high! Wooodoggy!" and ignores them and the party all frets and blushes and grimaces and wringing of hands think that the Children of Light will kill them. I think they all need to get over themselves or go on Prozac.

They return and it is decided for Rand, Ingtar, Perrin, Matt, and Hurron to goto Phlam and find the horn and dagger and then come back and report. They all mount up and rollout {queue Nate Dog and Warren G music}.

We cut back to the women in Phlam and they manage to get a captain to sail out on the ocean away from the Seanchan when Min, Nynaeve, Egwane, and Elayne are all aboard. The captain agrees reluctantly. He hates giving up his wine, women, and song. Well perhaps 2 of the 3, he's got a hard-on for the first mate, but that's another tale.

The go and kidnap a Dom and a Sub on a leash and then tie up the Dominatrix and slap the collar on her to mimic the whole S&M bondage session that RJ's been weaving for a few hundred pages and find out that Nynaeve can free people from the collar and then use the collar and find out that the Dominatrix/Suldam can channel! Holy Shit on a Shingle! Does that mean anything? Hell no, but it's obvious that that's what it means and they are all hypocrites, but at least the women don't start crying and hugging each other and promising them all that they can share Rand like some Utah polygamist wet dream [mental note: Find what state RJ lives in!]

So they begin their march into the lions' den, Nynaeve with the wrist bracelet, the Suldam weeping to take it off as it chafes and she's so used to being the Dominant one and off they goto free Elayne.

Wot:PbP II Update 1

2004-06-17T17:35:00.000-05:00

Another drive another debacle in the making.

So we finally figure out that Rand and the North Horn Posse (trademarking that before some westcoast banger does!) showed up on Toman head after going through their polar phase shift. Personally I think all of them got whacked out on 'shrooms and started seeing shades of Christmas past, but that's just me. So they are sitting there in the rain bitching about what to do, they get to villages that have all been razed by the Seanchan (I love these guys!). Not only have they been burned to a husk but these cold hearted Nazi bastards rounded up scores of people and kept them in buildings while they set them on fire! Seriously assholes on epic scale! Yay for RJ!

So they find some shelter for the night and then Rand gets a visit from Satan. Yes, our boy Baazelman is back with a vengence and again he keeps on trying the same shit on Rand over and over again "Serve me and I'll show you power, wealth, control, glory, etc." Same tired ass shit that we have seen since book 1. I mean by now after months don't you think he'd try a new tatic? Rand's all googly eyed over women when they flash him their tits so why not try getting to have one othe Shinarian soliders to get a Man-Train on him? I am sure Rand won't blush like he does whenever he sees DAH BOOBIE!!! So he turns Shaitan again down on his offer of ULtiMaT P0wER! and goes on about his life.

Nynaeve and Elayne are in the streets of Phlam and wandering around in garments made of wool, Nyaneve in a green with high tufts of AARRRGGHGHHGHH! So they find the place where they are keeping Egwane and Min and wait. Inside Egwane is getting the first lesson on how to be a proper Submissive by her Dominatrix and her body is all racked in pain but she doesn't see any bruises, the leashes they are on transmit it via the ONE POWER! Damn I need to get me one of these leashes! So we find out that Egwane's going to be shipped out soon and then Min tries to get her to board a ship but the leash prevents her from leaving no more than 3 ft from her room. DAMN these bitches make some quality stuff! Do they got a webiste??!?!?!

So the Dom comes back and sees that Egwanes been a naughty lil novice (queue the Pr0n music) and she decides to call her by her ole pussy cat's name Toola (RJ is a saucy perv!) and begins to unleash hell on her as Min cries and flees to find Nynaeve and Elayne outside.

At least there was no hair pulling and hugging and blushing!

WoT:PbP II

2004-06-17T08:45:00.000-05:00

Another 1 hr drive another update

Looks like the women of the White tower got the shaft this time around.

So Egwane, Elayne, Nynaeve and Min followed the Red Sister who I think is called Elaida they go through the Star/Way Gate and make a nice lil hoppity skippy journey throughout the ways. Nothing eats them, I curse the Black wind for being slack in it's duties to rend those annoying women's flesh from their bones. They leave through the otherside without any violent actions to them (CURSE YOU RJ!) but not without full details on their outfits from the top of their dress to the bottoms.

Folks I gotta get something off my chest here. Robert Jordan thinks he's a fasion consultant. I have never in all my life seen an author who will go into minute detail concerning the buttons on some woman's chest or the colored hem of her friggin dress. It's not like me as the reader needs to know that "The double breasted swans inlaid with gold trim reflect the pearls on the bodice that are hemmed in silk and lace." It's maddening and probably doubles his word count in every friggin book. This is why this guy gets paid the big bucks. I secretly think he wants to design women's clothes, or wear them. You take a guess.

Back to the book.

So they come out the other side and lo and behold Elaida has the Seanchan or Knights of King Arthur 2.0 there to capture the women! Oh nO! So Nynaeve tears off with Elayne and Egwane and Min are captured. Egwane gets 'collared', which has to be some sort of bondage S&M fetish that he wants to get in while dressed in women's clothes. So Egwane can't channel without recieving some sort of pain induced trauma if she fucks up. Like getting strapped in the electric chair if she displeases her Mistress..I mean Suldam. Through this whole meeting we find out that Elaida and this Seanchan Lady all work for Satan and they begin a big ole pissing match on who's fault it is that escaped. 20min later they all scurry off in a huffy, no doubt RJ ran out of words to describe women feeling all ticked off at each other. Nothing gets resolved. The Seanchan cart off the women and we move onto Nynaeve and Elayne trying to locate the trail to Phalm (where they all are now) and find the other women.

Update Later tonite.

WoT:PbP I Update 2

2004-06-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

or "Why I think that Robert Jordan is a peter puffer!"

We got 2 more subcharacters in this mix. Yippie...10 down, a metric buttload to go.

Elayne: She's the daughter of the queen of Andor. Think of Canada, now take away the snow, and the canadians, and those damn maple leaves but leave the red coats and you got Andor. She's a princess, she's studying with Nynaveve (tired hate that name) and Egwane at the white tower. She wants to fuck Rand.

Min: Picture your avg baseball player. Now give him tits. You've got Min. She dresses like a boy, acts like a boy, she sees things that can happen by looking at you. Like a mystic only she looks like a boy. RJ rams that down our throat quite a bit. She wants to fuck Rand too (well shit so do I at this point!)

Now onto the story:

So Rand's posse goes through the gate, it's all fucked up, doesn't work, he then takes the party flickering through this portal stone gimmick and ends up 3 months into the future. Should've read the fucking manual huh Rand? Sucks to be him and everyone is bitchy about it. Personally it's time to get them all inline and I wish someone, please by Perrin!, beats them all into some semblance of form. We leave them as they arrive at Toman Head where Padin Fain is, old Artur Hawkwing (no not fucking King Arthur but it's a blantant rip off, it's pulp people!) has his current army of nazi soliders kicking ass and taking names. Pain's given the horn to some HNIC (watch Lean on Me) guy there trying to schmooze his way into getting him to blow the horn and summon the 101 undead legions from hell/heroes of enternity/masters of the universe or whatever. We leave them now. At least noone in Rand's group wants to fuck him...I think.

Pack to the women in the White Tower. So we got Nynaeve and Egwane sitting in a room with Elayne and Min all chillin like hoes on the corner of Compton and Long Beach. Elayne and Egwane are passing glowing balls back and forth (groan...) and Ninnyve gets in a pissing contest with Min over some stupid shit, and Nyneave blasts her with the ONE POWER!!!! They talk, they makeup, hug, have lesbian sex, and I'm selling it for 19.99 on my blog. Well most of it happens, but it's still 19.99 goddamnitt!

Is it me or is it every fucking time these women squabble they hug and play "I'm sorry, let's be friends, I like your clothes, let's just cry together"? I swear would it kill someone to write me a powerful woman figure here? I know these girls got to be about 18-20ish and they still act like 12 yr olds squabbling over "Who's my babies daddy?!?!"

So in storms the Red Ajah woman who demands that Elayne and Min leave the room as she wants Nynaveve alone with Egwane. No doubt she's going to induct them into the White Tower secrets by breaking out the 12" double headed didlo and watching them fuck each other. She won't join in as she's butch and got her own penis stored somewhere to use, she hates men. All the Red hate men. I am utterly convinced that the White Tower is a place where women become lesbians and they learn that men are scumbags and those that chanel are worse than pedophiles with leprosy. Except for Greens. They are the whores of the lot and are bisexual. They'll fuck men and women, and probably their warders horses if it comes down to it. But I digress.

So the Red demands that the 2 women go off to help Rand in Toman's head (we all know what she is thinking!) tells them to skip the training tell noone, and off we go tommorow! She leaves, Elayne and Min come in and tell them they overheard everything. Prolly Min was pissed as she's just found out she has a penis she never knew she had before and wanted to see how it stacks upto the Red sisters. So they all decide to go on a merry fucking adventure out to the middle of nowhere and they bluster through one clusterfuck after another to get to a waygate/stargate SG-1 portal and then go through.

WoT:PbP I Update 1

2004-06-16T16:38:00.000-05:00

So on the way home to the house listened some more, sporadic updates is what's the name of the game here. Hope all 2 of my adoring fans love me for this. Yes I know I don't count and neither does mom so oh the hell well.

Looks like the posse de Rand (I know spanish!) is trying to goto the place where the horn is and they have to go through this whole waygate that is in charge of by this big black evil wind demon. PIcture Hannibal Lector but more insane and you got this black 'wind' that wants to rip them to pieces. I prayed with all my heart that they'd shove Matt in first but they closed it in time before the wind escaped. Lucky bastard.

So now they are trying to go another route, using something like a teleport pad from one world to another. I think ole RJ hit the Jim Bean and was watching some bad reruns of Star Trek: Next Generation and came up with this idea. Now we got Rand doing some flashbacks to what COULD happen if he wouldn't have been where he was. Yawn. Skip ahead for christ's sake and do something useful instead of this crap. Rand dies in one of his alternate reality from insanity. I am about 1/2 way there too. What I wouldn't give to be a voice in his head. It'd be like Ron Jeremy meets King Authur: "No Rand, you perfectly want to take the princess and her sisters and declare them yours, screw proper ettiquette, Train them all with some good ole Ass 2 Mouth action and sell it via the town crier!"

Update II when I drive the last leg home.

Wheel of Time: Play by Play I

2004-06-16T07:30:00.000-05:00

So I drive about 2+ hrs everyday and I am bored as all hell with the latest news that is out there. I listen to NPR and sometimes Rush or other news broadcasters of the day but lately it's all the same bullshit so I just tuned it off. Latest music sucks ass and it's all beginning to sound the same. So I 'acquired' the Wheel of Time books by Robert Jordan on MP3 and burned them to disc so I could listen to them in my car. As each disc is about 40 MP3's long or longer and each MP3 is 45 min I figure I got a good 20 days worth of 'reading' for each book. It keeps me awake and really that's so much better than listen to newsrags yammer about the latest bullshit in the world which I could give 2 shits about.

Now what is the Wheel of Time? Well since noone else is reading this anyway it's a big ole story about a bunch of Podunk farmers/shepherds/village people who get whisked off to do magical fairy pixieland things over the course of 12 (how many is he up to now???) books. Your basic fantasy setting with the hero and the heroine and all the blah blah blah that goes with it. What's the difference? Well ole RJ likes to throw in a metric buttload of characters, flesh them out with some info and toss them in there and then rehash them over and over again. Overall it's a decent and if you like fantasy I recommend starting from book 1 and reading it from the beginning to the end.

More info and the encyclopedia (god these people have too much time on their hands) can be found here: http://www.photeus.com:8090/~ewot/index.html

So after reading all these books years ago, I read upto book 8 I think, I threw up my hands the first time around cause I couldn't remember all the main characters. Literally there have got to be about 100 important people in these books but there is no fucking index that says who is what and does what and where. It's not bad, it's just that you want to shoot these people and hit them with a bat and go "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT???!!?!?" I am still doing it this time around but I figure if I write down how each one is then I get better gauge how each one changes...well if they change.

So where am I at now? Well I won't bore you with a synopsis of book 1, I am halfway through Book 2 and that's where I'll pick up from. You want more info, google for it, I am sure you'll find a helluva lot more than what I plan on doing. If I spell their names wrong, so what, I'll fix them later. I don't have the book in front of me.

Basically I'll just update each character when/if it's imprint or else just surmise who and what they are doing. Gives me something to do during the AM boredom.

ON with the show!

Characters:

Where are they now: It's halfway through book2 and they are at the ogier steading ready to go through the way gate after about getting their ass handed to them by the Aiel women. I remember them from later books, they were badass bitches. If the group would've fucked with them they would've had their shit fuckstarted. They all came from a land of Shinar up north hunting this horn that will raise the dead warriors and will kill anyone whom the hornblower says to kill. Basically a ripoff of LoTR:RoTK Aragorn's deal with the dead folk. The main group was separated, now it's all together. The 'women' are all training in Tar Valon to become uberspecial bitches (Aes Sedai) but they are still low on the totem pole there.

MAIN CHARACTERS:

Rand Al'Thor: This guy is the main character. Just a simple Podunk Shepard boy who got drafted by the Aes Sedai in book 1 with the others. He's supposed to be the Dragon Reborn or Head Ninja Over the Moon Sun Dawn Light Warrior King or some nonsense they keep giving him different titles. One day, they all say, he'll blow up the world and rape, pillage, and magically obliterate everyone. "ROCK ON!" I say. Right now he's come from being a whinny lil fuck who keeps getting flustered about women as all them 2 rivers boys do and is having an identity crisis of whether to take charge of just sit there and whine about Aes Sedai taking control of his life. On and on he bitches about not having control. One day he's gotta sack up and maybe his balls will drop but right now one ball is on the way down the pipes but he's still a whinny lil bitch who I want to bitch slap and tell "STFU!" Apparently all the women lust after him but he couldn't find his balls with a flashlight and tweezers.

Matt Cauthrin: Another one of the 'main' characters. He's still trying to find his dagger that he stole from this place where everyone said "IF YOU TAKE SHIT FROM HERE IT IS BAD MKAY?!?!?!" So he's gonna die if he doesn't get this dagger that will eat his muscles and body away and rot out. I say "Bully!" for he deserves it. He's pissed that Rand gets to act like a big shot and he has to be his bitch. Not Rand's fault that Matt is a whinny cocksucker but you are what you are. Matt's used to getting away with shit and he hasn't had a chance to pull some prank and laugh at someone. Guy reminds me of every other 'thief' like character ever wrote down. He's the 2nd of the 3 two rivers' boys.

Perrin Aybara Ok I like Perrin, really I do. He's strong, simple, easy going, and doesn't whine like the rest of them. He beats up Matt and tells him to shutup when Matt is acting like a dumbshit. He can talk to wolves due to his yellow eyes, how this has any reference to talking to wolves you got me, and really wants to club someone with his axe. He's a decent fellow and doesn't piss and moan when shit doesn't go his way. He's a good steadfast character that one can easily like and work with but he's slow like a bull so take it for what it's worth. He's the last of the two rivers' boys.

Currently all 3 are hunting the horn and dagger and are together in one group.

Egwane: She is one of the two rivers folks who fled with the Aes Sedai back in book 1. She is now at Tar Valon training to be an Aes Sedai and learn to rule the world or some nonsense. She's a novice right now, kinda like a Brownie in the whole Girl Scout scheme of things (where do I come up with this shit?). Not too much dealing with her now. She's still got a love on for Rand, and Elayne's brother Galadrad. In fact any half-decent guy she sees that talks to her she becomes quite horned up about. Definitely the lustful wench of the tale.

SUB CHARACTERS (all billion of them):

NOTE: People, who am I kidding, like anyone will read this!, will bitch that "XXX is really a Main character!" Well if you look at it only the above 4 really count as they control the main story, the rest are just taggers along. If they got more than 3 chapters devoted to them or starring them then I'll include them below. There's too fucking many to deal with. Live with it!

Moiraine: Blue Aes Sedai, which means she likes men but doesn't want men but would rather help men out and guide people and stuff. Yeah, her character is really deep. She led the Two Rivers' folk out of there and put them in place like chess pieces. She's stuck in some place contemplating death and so forth with her warder Lan.

Lan: Moiraine's bodyguard. He's the king of some dead kingdom who acts all stiff and has a deathwish Steven Segal style and is all tuff and gruff and supposed to be a badass. Somefuckinghow (?!) he has fallen in love with Nynaeve and he's playing the whole "I love her sooooooo much but I will only bring her pain so I can't love her!" deal. Come on. This guy's a hardass and he's getting all weepy over this whole deal. I have no idea how or why or what the fuck they fell in love for. It makes NO SENSE at all! Another fucking love plot just appears from nowhere! I say take the women, pop out babies and live like a fucking king!

Nynaeve: Another two rivers' person. She was the old healer woman who is at Tar Valon training to be an Aes Sedai with Egwane. Somehow she and Lan got a lovefest going on but she's too fucking bitchy and contemptuous to admit anything. She weeps and bitches at everyone and I want to smack her as she acts like a cunt I want beat with a shovel. I pray she dies before her and Lan get together, perhaps Lan can meet someone else who makes sense to get involved with!

Loiel: He's an ogier (read Robert Jordan speak for: I really meant Ogre but the publisher wanted something different!) who can talk to trees, is like 90 years old, and is 8' tall, bushy eyebrows, with tufts of fluffy white...(NO MORE ADJECTIVES FOR GODSAKE!) He's another follower along with Rand and his posse to hunt down the horn. He reads books and packs a big staff and now that the party is at this Steading (homeland for Ogiers) he's all in a tizzy that he will get upped and married to someone. God damnitt another fucking lovefest that just appears. Can't these guys focus on the fucking task at hand?!?!!?

Tom Maryland: Picture Sean connery in the first James Bond movie with a big white mustache and plays the flute and harp. He's helped Rand and Matt out of a jam or 2 but now with his women dead he's on the prowl to tear someone a new asshole. I wish there were more strong characters in the book like him that don't give a shit about some broad here or pulling hair there. Tom's got a purpose and he's going for it.

Ingtar: Shinaran warrior with the party to retrieve the horn. Another sword wielding warrior from the North. Not much to say about him besides he's driven to get the horn back and kill anyone in his way. Direct, simple, efficient. Gimme more!

Hurren: "I smell dead people!" is all I picture when I hear his name pop up. He's a soldier, lower than Ingtar, same place, but he can 'smell' when murders occur, and when bad things happen. I hope the Aes Sedai crucify him when the time comes. It'll be fun!

Padden Fain: slimy, wormy, vile lil bastard who is currently making the lives of the party hell by stealing the horn and whisking it away to give it to some warlord. He reminds me again of Wyrmtongue from LoTR (RJ must've been drunk and read that series and thought he invented this character). He's controlled by Shai'tan or Satan, whomever and plans on killing any who get in his way. I like raw evil at it's finest.

Baalzeman: Satan, BBEG, guy who plans on tempting the main characters and converting them to the "Dark Side". I hope he wins tired of all these whinny lil bitches complains. Evil is good mkay?

Got500gimme500highbidder520gimme550

2004-06-07T07:14:00.000-05:00

Went to an auction on saturday for some video games. Couldn't fucking believe how much these damn things went for. Ms. PacMan mint game went for about $600. Unholy if you ask me. Lost a bid on a Ninja Gaiden game by $10. Oh well he didn't want that bitch anyway so no biggy. Another one in september to goto, first auction I ever attended. Something everyone should at least go do in their life.

I'm here for the porn

2004-06-04T14:45:00.000-05:00

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Naked Kobe Bryant
Naked Anna Kornikova
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Naked Robert Jordan (SCAREY!)
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Naked Kobe Bryant
Naked Anna Kornikova
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Naked Robert Jordan (SCAREY!)
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XXX Weblog
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Naked Miss America
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Robert Jordan XXX

Naked Kobe Bryant
Naked Anna Kornikova
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Naked Robert Jordan (SCAREY!)
Naked Wheel of Time
XXX Weblog
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Naked Traci Lords
Naked Miss America
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Robert Jordan XXX

Naked Kobe Bryant
Naked Anna Kornikova
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Naked Robert Jordan (SCAREY!)
Naked Wheel of Time
XXX Weblog
Naked Porn Star
Naked Traci Lords
Naked Miss America
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